The Musings of a Drama Queen

Misplaced

2007-02-06T01:07:00.000-05:00

There is soo much going on right now.. soo soo much, and I think it is consuming me. I have lost track of my priorities and have started making other things my priorities... Misplaced I guess you could call it. I feel misplaced in life. Let me share some of what is going on...

Right now I am dealing with a dilemma, a dilemma of massive proportions.. so huge that I am hanging in the balance, waititng for the verdict, waiting for the other shoe to drop and tell me what the next 6 months of my life are gonna be like, Hell with a bit of heaven on the other side, or just hell.. Either way, there is going to be a lot of hard work ahead, work that none of us want to do or want to contemplate, but nontheless very important, back breaking labor that is absolutly necessary and vital for us all to heal.

I guess that is a good way to describe it.. I feel raw.. totally utterly raw.. like remember back to the good old days when people were lashed by a whip and then salt water was poured onto them... that is what I feel like. It burns and stings like the holy mother of god, but there is virtually nothing I can do about it to make myself feel better, no icepack big enough, or tylenol strong enough...

I hate it, I feel like at any moment I could fly off the handle, constantly checking, constantly making sure that nothing leaks through, nothing gets out, because if it does, there is no holding back, and I dunno what is worse, the fact that I am afraid of what will happen if I do, or what will happen if I don't?

Now I know all of you are there for me and I love that and appreciate it, but how do I explain that my world has fallen apart? How can you help me feel better? I hate it, this helpless feeling in the pit of my stomach that things are gonna get much worse before they get better, that things are only just beginning and can I tell you how much I am petrified about it?

I have all of you wonderful people to take care of me, and i think I realized it this weekend, when I was forced to take a nap for fear I would blow up. You guys genuinely care, and I appreciate it soo much. I haven't ever had anything like that before, people who unconditionally care about me and what I am going through, and for a change it is nice to be the child in the relationshop and be taken care of by others like I take care of everyone else. Momma needs her batteries charged.

I had a wonderful person come into my life, in much the same manner as the best person in my life. And he has made me realize that I do too much. I offer and just give and give. I am burnt out right now. With all the other things on my mind, I can't handle the stress of being alone. I feel like if I am alone I will break, I will fall apart and be washed in a barrel of despair, over what could have been and what should have been.

I am so exhausted too. I haven't been sleeping or eating well and it is wreaking havoc with my system.. it is horrible.. but I am trying to get it back on track, key word trying.

So I guess the point of this long run on sentence that has become my blog, I wanted to apologize for not being me and for being absorbed into other things. You guys mean so much to me and know me so well, almost better than I know myself.

Love,
Lish

Tease

2007-01-11T23:18:00.000-05:00

So I started this blog with so much to say and now I don't know where to start, what is the most important thing or what it was even that I wanted to say... I guess you could say I am a beginning whore...

I start things and never finish, a tease if you will... only in the sense that a teaser is given, enough to whet your appetite, but not enough to finish the whole story. I was reminded and demonstrated to, today in fact about my tendency to do this... and all I can say is I am sorry... sorry for doing it to people. The fault actually lies with me and it is the very fact that I speak before I think that gets me into this very predicament. I say something and yet I can finish it either because of the people there, or the situation, or what not. I am not naturally an open speaker about things close to my heart, talking to me about things of astronomical importance or of value, is like pulling hens teeth.

My parents get annoyed with it, and I tend to annoy friends with it too, and for that I am truly sorry. And truly sorry for brining up today, what I brought up... *sigh* I am the Queen of awkward situations... No wonder I was a loner most of my life.

I guess I’ll start at the beginning and maybe work my way through the number of things taking up space and clutter in my sluggishly slow brain.

I have to say I love my RS class... Meena is the most wonderful woman in the world and her class is so much fun... partly I think because I had Karim in my group who is the most intelligent person that I happen to know... in the sense that he articulates so well and knows so much.. All I can say is wow! hahaha Anyway, he was the reason our group did so well and that we had soo much fun.. So thanks... Getting back to the class... it is my favorite... and not because there are discussions or Meena, simply because it is an atmosphere of complete knowledge, from very little, to a lot, from one subject to another... these people are really the best of the best, who recognize that knowledge is a gift with which can only grow and expand and whom are hungry for more in whatever form they can get it.. And to be there is truly awe inspiring... not to mention humbling.

I also have a rather large gross actually stack of plates in my room, which I really have to clean (again)... ya I know... oye vay... I really have to work at this "do it now so it doesn't pile up" theory... I think there may actually be some truth to it... who knows *shrug*.

Have you ever wondered about friendships and where they lead and how you got to a certain place with certain people? I have this wonderful friend, I mean really truly wonderful, who went from being this total asswipe, to being the kind of person I can actually rely on to get things done for me. I guess this seems kind of random, and really it is, but he just called me and is really doing me a large favor and I think I might actually owe him for this favor... but the fact that he called me back and said yes blows my mind. I mean this coming from a guy I can now talk to about anything, and he can talk to me about anything and does it totally amazing to me... really and truly... I am amazed... Haha. That is not to say all of you are not important or I can't rely on you and what not, I can and I do and I appreciate you guys more than you will ever know, awkward moments and all :).

This reminds me about how much work I have to do... I mean I am buried in it... From applications which are due Monday, to first drafts of research project due, to everything... I am going insane... literally going insane... And so afraid... that it won’t get done, that I’ll disappoint, others as well as myself... God this is getting insane...

And to think I actually signed up for this....

Life is so complicating you know, one moment things are great and the next something happens, and the first couple times you maybe ignore it, but after a while it is right up there in your face and your are faced with decisions, decisions that may ultimately change your view and your life as you know it... like major life altering decisions. Their outcomes impact your life either in a positive or negative way, unless of course you get caught in the crosshairs in which case life as you know it is not there anymore. I am afraid about that... like crawl under the bed and then jump into the closet, only to realize there are monsters everywhere and your aren't safe... Kind of afraid. Things are about to change in a drastic way... and really I have expected them too and expected this decision for a while, but still when it came, it was hard, it still is hard and I don't know what to do about it. I have tried to sort through it, but I can't and I have a feeling the outcome is going to be nasty.

Suddenly my future doesn’t seem protected, it is totally blown open… I am faced with this question of, what the hell do I do next? And the genuine answer is I don’t know. I have some ideas, but then what to do with them? How do I get from here to there with the least number of scraps and bruises on my emotions? I am an emotional person only in the sense that I can’t handle them, in myself or others. I feel pain, everyone’s as my own… Haha... I mean I love it, I guess that makes me masochistic, but in the sense that I can do something about it for others; I can be that objective person. Except that it doesn’t work when it is you and you are the one telling yourself or experiencing things. My parents get so frustrated with me because I can’t talk to them about important things because I can’t handle it... it freaks me out... Decisions! Like what the hell man! Haha... Sorry... but it is true nonetheless.

Like I said earlier a tease... that is what it is, what classifies me… *sigh*

I am also helping with EOT... and I have to say it is going to be good... like really good… and you will all be excited about it... I know I am... and no one is going to pull details out of me... because really, this deserves to be kept until it is revealed… so inshallah you will all come and party and be marry… after all, who isn’t up for a night of good clean partying… I have to say though that this is going to add to my stress level... but oh well…

It is actually kind of funny… well not really, but in a perverted way I suppose… I was telling a friend of mine today that I have inherited two traits from another friend, a loss of memory and procrastination… (Any guesses on whom that could be??? A cookie to the winner!) I have lost motivation, and drive... I have none, I know I need to get things done, but it is like I don’t care, or want to care, that little voice in the back of my head who tells me I have to do things, isn’t there, or is un-blessedly quiet... Really I need him to jump up and make some noise, because really at the rate I am traveling, I will not intersect that plane at any kilometers/hour... Sorry lame attempt at math humor... I should really leave that to you guys! But seriously, I have to start getting into gear; I mean this is my life I am talking about, and really… I want it to be worth something to the guy who is going to marry me for my money and job... (Conceited? Ahh, yes thank you very much)

Argh! I think that my mind is scatter brained at the moment, and really… I can’t seem to keep a hold of any idea for longer than a second so this blog was probably a waste of time and effort, but t’was a blog nonetheless…

So good night everyone, and I shall try to do this better next time :(!

Your tease forever :),
Lish

Trust

2006-11-15T19:40:00.000-05:00

Liars... I hate them passionately... Almost as much as I hate cheaters, but come to think of it that would make me a hypocrite. I mean come on.. Everyone at some point in their lives has lied or cheated once. It could have been a bad experience, or a good one.. The fact remains that whatever it is that you were protecting the world from was being protected by either the actions or the words you used to accomplish the goal.

On the whole I would have to say that I am an easy going person, I worry excessively.. But I mean common I am 'mother' personified (it would be wired, no?, if I didn't worry). I am also commissioned and I forgive people a little too easily and trust implicitly. I am also exceptionally naive...

These facts ultimately set me up to take rather large falls when I end up trusting the wrong people or having people lie and me accepting what they say. I have an inherent need to be wanted, to feel needed and for some reason people take advantage of that. Ok maybe the fault lies with me as well because I mean I have to be able to recognize the fact that it happens, and yet I still let it happen anyway. I mean take the one friend of mine. I have pretty much passed University for him. I mean without me I don't think he would even be getting his degree. And what pray tell did I do it for? For some reason most of the time I had this thinking, that it was a fair trade that some how for me to deserve a friend like him I needed to be the one who put all that effort into the relationship. I realize now that I was no better than a 50 cent whore.. You spend a little time with them, give them a small (read miniscule) token of your appreciation and then either pat them on their way or not and that is that, until the need that had you driving to the whore in the first place comes back, sometimes redoubled, or worse. It becomes and addiction that you can't break. Then again, look to the whore, he or she also becomes addicted to that lifestyle because without those 50 cents, meager though it may be, he or she wouldn't be able to support themselves otherwise, or so they think whether it be because of self-esteem issues or lack of skill. Either way, pretty soon the Whore is justifying the worlds response to him or herself and it becomes an addiction, just one more time becomes, not whispered, but ingrained in the narrow passages of what passes for a brain these days.

I know that sounds bitter, but that is what it is. Those people who use the whores are no better than liars, which brings me back to the original cause of setting me off. I hate them, I abhor them like nothing else especially when the lie or the cheat is directed at me. I guess I have a bit of that princess-ness stamped on my genes too, but it really rubs my craw to realize that some of the people you have given your trust too have taken it and squashed it between their fingers as if it ment nothing to them or to you. But let me tell you, it may appear as though I give my trust easily and without prior judgment, but I don't I consider it carefully. I have been hurt way too much in my life by friends who I thought were very good friends when they have decided to take what I have given them and squander it away as if it ment nothing to them.

Take this friend I have, This friend is, albeit a weird friend in that I never knew whether to trust him or not, but lately I feel like he is playing this game with me. A game of feel for me, and when you don't I will say or do something to get your attention, so that I can be the center of your universe because really I need all the attention I can get from everyone and everything. I don't know why, call it woman's intuition or something like that because I can't help but shake the fact that what it is that this person is going through is a hoax, it is something that Isn't really there and if it is then he is playing it up to me to keep me on my toes. It is getting tiring.. Most people don't realize that I worry.. So maybe I shouldn't. But I can't turn my back on the intrinsic good I have within me, if I do I would become a cynical person, and while I can be, I like to think that worry is a good thing. It implies caring and concern. Should I condemn my mother for wanting me to have these traits, should I become more like my sister?

Another friend of mine may have lied to me and I am not sure why. Again it is an instinct thing, why lie when I have proof that it isn't the case that was being sold to me?I know the reason that was told to me, but I have a conflicting report that what he said wasn't true. So who do I believe. Should I believe that my friend, who is a very good friend of mine, or should a believe the person who recently came into my life? It is all so confusing and then to think why should I not believe him, why should I question it? Is it because I feel as though lately I have been lied to more often than not? And so I just take everything I receive with a grain of salt? I don't like living this way, balancing and weighing everything that is said to me.

The main issue here is Trust. Do I trust that what is being told to me is a lie or not a lie, and if it is a lie, should I trust the lie or the person doing it? Is the lie there to protect me from something or is it there to harm me? Why was the lie necessary if feelings were never there to begin with? And if they were why should it matter why the lie was stated in the first place?

I may not have a lot of very close friends, but I do have a large network of friends who I know care about me simply because I have cared for them. Did it not occur to these people who lie, that eventually the lie would come full circle and get back to me with the other side of the lie? Like a coin, a head or a tail, both sides of the same lie, but different in the molds they were used. I hate two faced bastards... *sigh*

The thing I hate more than anything is that this experience has led me to believe that I have to question everything that has ever happened to me and every relationship that I have. I hate questioning, I hate not being able to trust those that I have chosen to trust. Why is it that there is no exhilar to help those who what to lie, not to lie?

It all boils down to Trust once again. We have to be able to trust that the people who are lying to us are doing it for a reason and that the lie they are telling us isn't important. But then the question remains, if we allow one lie, what is to stop another from being believed or being rationalized into being believed?

I think for the time being I will respect these individuals and believe that what they have told me is the truth and that what they haven't told me has a reason for being there. I am not sure one of them, if not both of them are lying, but I have a feeling one of them is, and I am not sure that this person realizes that things have a way of getting back to me. I may be green behind the ears, but I will blindly trust this person for the time being despite the fact that it hurts to think they had to lie to begin with. And that is something that I myself have to reconcile myself with...

The hurt and the fact that people like to take advantage of the fact that I never let on that it hurts, it hurts so bad that I don't know why I let it get to me.. Because ultimately I am on one side of a moat and they are on the other and I alone am responsible for lower that drawbridge to them. If for some reason I let them in only to find out that they have used me to lay seige to my castle, well I guess that is my fault for being gullible and naive, and their faults for being silver tongued assassins.

Ever pensive and disturbed by the human race,
~Lish

Passion

2006-10-26T02:02:00.000-04:00

I have always wondered about passion, and I am not talking about the oohhh ahhh more baby more kind of sexual gratification, but about the personal drive and the goal setting that gets most people through the years and keeps them mentally safe at night knowing that they are doing everything they love.

The passion I am talking about is the thing that most people have a few are lucky to find in the journey we call life. I often wonder what my passion is, do i even have one or many as the case may be. What do I really want, what burns in my gut, what is filled with all my convictions? I have to say truthfully that I don't think that I even have any. What is it that makes my heart want to scream for joy and my gut feel like it is on air?

I look at some people around campus and I see some conieving bloodsuckers who trample on everyone to get what they want. Is this really passion? or is this cold blooded scheming to get what you think you deserve, but in fact is nothing even close to what you deserve because you have trampled the dreams and passions of others to get to where you are today. Did it ever occur to those people that by using everything and everyone to get to where they are, if they just used some compassion they would probably go farther and be able to look themselves in the mirror without the twinge of guilt. I have to assume that most people don't feel that guilt, and that they are probably sociopaths, but still. On a campus such as Waterloo with thousands of people there are bound to be those striving toward a goal. But there are also hundreds of students, like me ever searching for the one thing that would make them so excited that their hearts pound and their bodies get covered in sweat, the one thing they are dying to do that will for ever make them happy and feel satisfied.

I have wondered constantly if it is just me, why do i not know, why do i not feel, why do i not question or jump for joy. Why is it that even when given a second chance do i sit here the eve before a midterm and contemplate the meaning of life when I should be studying for all I am worth so that I can move towards my supposed passion. I think it is precisily because it is a supposed passion to begin with. How is it that I am supposed to be motivated when all i can think about is how the world has used me and my genuiness to get them places while I am still here?

And yet it continues, it continues this niceness and this trampling, while others are finding their passions. I am so jealous, I gotta admit. I have people surrounding me, people reading this or who will never read this but who should who have found their passions, religion, teaching, guitar, history, law, consulting, etc. But me, I am still here I am still contemplating me, contemplating life. I don't think i have ever been passionate about anything and that scares me, scares me to the bones. I find one thing and latch onto it, but deep in my heart what makes me me? what defines who I am, what actions and things create what makes up my heart and soul? to be honest I don't know, I have no idea who I really am.

A friend of mine told me today I needed to take a step back from a certain friend of mine and regain some perspective. I have lost my identity, my ability to bounce back from all situations. this friend is bringing me down, constantly to the point where I am questioning things more and more. This cycle always continuing. Me giving and giving and for a short period of time being given back, but after a while things start shifting, equations and equilibriums going unbalanced until it is me producing and producing but I am never being replenished until I become washed up and used and exhausted where no enzyme int eh world can help me lower my activation energy. I am exhausted of these relationships, of these constantly draining fluxing relationships. Why ever does it keep happening and why, when I know it is killing me do I keep coming back for more? until I am bled dry. Why does it take a moment where I get soo mad that I take it out on them forever changing the relationship. I did it once, and am better friends because of it, he appoligized for being an ass, but what happens with this other individual? What happens to me in the mean time?

I have come to realize that adoration isn't enough. I want an equal give and take friendship. I want exactly what I put into a friendship, if not more. I want to have everything. I want to feel, I want to breath, I want never to be emotionally exhausted by another individual. I want to be able to have passion, that all consuming, all encompassing feeling that I have found the thing that makes me me, that defines my very character, that creates happiness, so that I don't have to find that equal person in a friendship.

I want to be able to find that career path and that occupation that I cannot live without. But I want to do it in happiness not fear. I look at my Islam Professor and I see her passion, I see her love for life and I see that people like and respect her. I want that, I want her passion for something that I love. I want to have people respect me. I have come to see that while i have adoration, I don't have respect. Respect would mean that I would have equal relationships. Most of all I would like to be able to explain that I am who I am and have another be ok with it.

I don't know what I want and truely that is the root of the problem right there.. that is the reason I let people walk all over me, that is the reason I let others choose, that is the reason I am stuck in a friendship where I give more that I get and feel like I should be ok with it. Why is it that when you think you have found a person who you believe you can be yourself with, you have actually found a person who, when the goings get tough or weird, or annoying or frusterating or anything, turns tails and runs, but runs only far enough so that they can always come back when they need too???

I love my friends, the ones who take care of me as much as I do them, but i am beginning to hate those that don't. Those who don't need me and who i care more about then they care about me. It isn't fair. It isn't fair to my psyche.. most of all it is messing with the journey I need to find my passion, and my drive. So I am here today to tell you -- I have given up on all of you.. not you my loyal readers.. but the collective you of the useless bloodsuckers who use up everyone and spit them out when they don't need us anymore. I refuse to be trod upon and walked all over and I refuse to be drawn in.. I say this but I know that in less than 24 hours I will be drawn back into the web, drawn to the one person who has the power to destroy me.. only that isn;t exactly true.. but starting with that one person.. at this point it would take a few people to totally destroy me.. but still... I need to start making a point.. but it is soo very hard to do.. so very difficult and I dont know if i can.. I dont know if I can cut that tie.. because that tie represents a lot to me.. hopes dreams and passion.. misplaced passion and sacrifice.. but there nonetheless...

I miss you, come back to me please? I promise that whatever i did to make you this way.. I am sorry.. to you to me to everyone.. Just come back and I promise everything will be alright again...

*sigh* only that isn't right either..

On the search for things better left unsaid.. and for passion,

~Lish

So Lonley

2006-10-20T23:18:00.000-04:00

I haven't posted in a while, and really i can't blame it on anyone but myself. So many things have happened since the last post and so many things haven't happened.

Let's start with the easy stuff shall we?
my 'w' keys sticks.. no idea why.. it is the most annoying thing ever. Like do you know how many times you actually use that key? not until you really have to keep pushing it, or re-reading your msn conversations and realize that you once again sent something without the W. Jeez.. I should probably get it fixed.. I think it is on the list of things i need to get done this semester.. damn list is so long already.

My shower head broke the other day and I swear it wasn't me who broke it. It was a certain friend of mine who came and spent the night.. ya and i go into the bathroom when he is done and there is water everywhere.. and I am talking everywhere.. it took me 20 minutes to mop it all up.. so i had to go get a new one, and once i got a new one, upon installation, i put a hole in it.. a hole and freaking HOLE! I swear to god holes will be the bane of my existence.. so now i have to go and get another freaking head to put on my shower and hope to hell that this one doesn't get a hole.. damn blasted shower head's made out of plastic... no wonder there is a freaking hole!

Then to top it off on that same fatefull day, i baked a chessecake (which by the way is soo yummy) and it cracked.. like totally cracked like there is a piece in the middle that is Medina and there is a trench around it like in the battle of the trench (sorry Islam midterm the other day), nevertheless, i cannot salvage it enough to serve to my beloved Islam professor when she comes for dinner. Are you kidding me?? So i made a new one the next day which also cracked, only this one is salvageable and I plan on serving it with strawberries, powdered sugar and shaved white chocolate... mmmmm... it will look good ( you gotta say that in the Joey voice.. it is so resonating in my mind at the momen, but i digress)

I had a conversation the other day with a friend of mine who says he can not talk to me anymore, because it is weird. Weird how, I mean ya certain dynamics change, things change all the time, but that doesn't mean that you still can't tell me things. I dunno it is frusterating to me. I don't know how to explain that things have changed, but they haven't, and while some for the better and some for the worst, well I still enjoy listening and it really won't bother me no matter what he has to tell me. I guess it goes both ways too.. there are things i have purposly not told him because i think it would be to weird, or that I feel like it would be misconstrude.. you think this is why most guys and girls can't be friends??? I find it odd too that i have more guy friends then girl friends and yet i have better relationships with the men in my life. While pushing one person away another moves closer and then moves away again. Relationships constantly in flux, and yet, for the sake of argument, could you imagine if relationships never change? would they get stagnant? after a while an equation will reach equilibrium, but depending on certain factors that equation can change, it is le chatilier's principle, so the principle notwithstanding, if that equation were to remain in equilibrium until the day of judgment, that would suck. What if there were things (maybe even living things) that depended on the fact that that equation shouldn't stay in equilibrium (equilibrium being a state where there is no change). I mean the whole of that society that depended on it would perish! *sigh* again I digress... So this friend, I want our comradrie back, I want to forget the past, but i doubt that is even possible, and yet i am afraid that this friendship will in the end vanish because for some reason i think that it was never ok after that. Could just be me though or could be the fact that i have a physics midterm tomorrow and I am just thinking about the end of the world. I mean on one hand I have a friend who won't tell me anything, and on the other I have a friend who tells me too much.. haha.. I guess i have my own equation going on that is constantly in flux.. It is ok I love them both, but i have come to realize that that friendships are all about you being happy for the state that your friend is in. And I am totally happy completely 100% happy for everyone.

I also had a friend who told me something back in May, something I was never allowed to ask questions about and that I was told would be told about it in September.. So september came and went and I still have no idea, and it has been killing me. I keep running things through my mind trying to figure it out, but i can't and I need help, because late at night when I want to sleep and I can't turn my mind off, I think about all the random useless crap in my mind and i eventually come back to that statment and all the questions.. So i think I need an answer and the answer that I have come to doesn't matter, and it constantly changes, but that is me and no matter how much i tell myself to be patient, I stil think about it and constantly change my mind about it... So really i have no answer except that I want an answer and I don't think i will ever get an answer until that friend is able to give me that answer, which will probably be when kingdom comes, knowing me and my ability to avoid confrontation at all cost even though it is killing me to want to know.. why i have no idea, I have no stake in it, and I don't even know why i keep thinking about it except that I am so damned curious about it and me being me I don't forget most things and this was, at that moment a pretty important thing too... Man oh man.

The other thing i realized was that I feel so alone. Don't get me wrong I have wonderful friends and children and grandchildren and weird stalker boys that creep me out, but still lots of people surrounding me, but at the same time I feel like one solitairy person in the middle of Times Square in New York during New years eve... a million people, but me just standing there and time constantly moving. I don't really know how to explain why other then I know i am loved by many, and I love them, but i don't have that one person to come home to, to share, to have to call my own.. haha I know that makes no sense so let me try again. I want a companion I guess. That one person who is a rock, an anchor that is forever with you always day, night, in your heart, and No it isn't the spiritual companion that I am looking for, my views on religion are odd, but not that, I am talking in a purely earthly sense about a live person, I guess you would classify it as a soul mate I guess anyway... So I feel lonely and that time is moving and yet i have stayed in the same place for so long that I feel like I am afraid, so very afraid that it may never happen, that I may never find this one person ment for me. And then I think but I am so young, I have to be able to find it and then I wonder if being afraid is making it harder to see and then I turn around and say but what if is doesn't and what if it does? What if is always the question that gets me and by that time I am so mentally exhausted that I think well fuck it... and then i get to a night like this, where I question everything and I don't know where I am in the overall universe or what is likely to happen because of my actions in the future.
I am that person, that person who believes that we alone create our own destiny. It is like the chaos theory. A butterfly flaps his wings in Mexico and there is a hurricane somewhere in Asia. that butterfly fully flapped his wings and that action caused an action to occur many thousands of miles away changing and gaining and twisting until it burst one day. I firmly believe that what we do today will lead us to the decisions we have to make tomorrow. Did I know i would get here today? No, but by applying to Waterloo, i have gotten to this point, I created that part of my future by getting here, I could have gone anywhere and yet I chose here.. there were very good reasons at the time, most of which i have forgotten, but if it weren't for that one tour guide who took the time and the paitence to take me around this campus, I would't be here today. We all have our reasons for things and our beliefs in certain things and places and people, I guess me procrastinating tonight is leading me to share some of these things with my dear readers, who have probably given up on me and my updating, but still.

So I haven't decided what I am going to do about this problem of feeling lonely in a large network of friends and family, nor what I am going to do about this friend who thinks things are weird. Do i tell him that I no longer have a stake in it? Do I tell him that no matter what the reaction that he thinks I am going to have won't happen? Do I tell him that I am emotionally exhausted and that I have given up? Not because things are weird, but because I have to focus on my future and I feel that I help contribute to him not focusing on his?

Most of all how do i erase the guilt that is eating me from the inside out about choices and things that i have said to people that I wish I never did, or that were said for the totally opposite reasons when things at the time felt like they were totally out of control and I grabbed onto the only thing I felt was stable at the time. Constantly this guilt hammers me and keeps me awake at night, and yet i shoudln't feel guilty about anything. I sometimes feel as though I carry the weight of the world, I make peoples problems my own, and I love that people come to me with their problems, and I love them so much that I want to slove their problems for them. And me knowing that i have to step aside and let them experience things themselves kills me. I hate that anyone get hurt for any reason, but it isn't fair or possible for me to wrap the whole world in bubble wrap as much fun as it seems.

So i leave you with that, the tip of the iceberg that is constantly in my mind constantly keeping me up at night, thinking, questioning, forever isolating me from the things I have come to realize i need almost desprately and yet at the same time terrifying me of the future and all it has to bring with it.

Right now however, I have procrastinated the day away and I have a physics midterm which I am totally unprepared for in 14 hours. I shall leave you with that and make a promise that I will attempt to update more often.

Love from the heart,
- Lish aka LP

Drum roll please!!!

2006-09-10T13:06:00.000-04:00

I am back.. hahaha.. I mean I am back at loo... doing some post grad classes, retaking a few classes... stuff like that.

The bottom line is I get to spend some more time with the wonderful people that I love.

I shall update a little more substantially a bit later, for now I was thinking about heading to the gym.

toodles!
~Lish

2006-08-16T15:50:00.001-04:00

First and foremost I must apologize to my critics as I have abandoned my audience over the last month and for that I am truely sorry.

Today I got off work.. yay! Truth be told I have the rest of the week off, but it isn't technically off because I have to write the MCAT on Saturday... So really studying is what I am doing...

So really, entirely studying, not off... *sigh*... and some of you boyz thought I wasn't doing school work this summer... haha...

Alright Let me finish Japan... Since it was over a month ago, I shall summarize it quickly.

We ended up going to Yokohama, which is the second largest city in Japan. There we were on a boat cruise and then stopped... you have all heard the pigeon story by now.. hahaha.. Anyway, after that we went to China town.. which ironically is the largest chinatown outside of china.. Lemme tell you china town is the cleanest place ever. I wouldn't go so far as to eat off the sidewalk, but i am sure you could and not catch anything. They were also handing out the freshest hot chestnuts... Yum!

Also ironic was that Japan had the best thai food I have ever had... it is soo hard to find good thai... mmmm... i could go for some of that even though we have massive amounts of leftovers from the party on the weekend.

Anyway, after Yokohama we went to Mt. Fuji. There isn't much to do there, so we took a bunch of pictures, took a boat cruise around the mountain and went up to the fifth station.. haha.. not too much food choices there, but when lunch came around, we finally went to this place...

hahah talk about sketchiness to the max... there were things on the menu like "Fish cooking", "The curry that never ends" and "bowless soup" hahaha... i think we took a picture of the menu... i'll have to find the pic and upload it on to here.. it is hillarious...

After that we just revisited a few places and bought some souveniers. We had an awsome time and didn';t suffer too much with the time difference... at least not right away.

On to the rest of the summer, we just had a watermelon party... in other words everything at the party is associated with watermelon in some way.. wish you boyz could have come... but it was a small affair this year with only 40 people total.. it was fun.. at the end of the party each guest gets a picture and a card thanking them.. At the beginning of the party we take a group pic and that is what goes onto the card.

This weekend I have the MCAT.. which pretty much screwes anything for happening this weekend for me anyway... Although it will be fun cause I get to go up to Waterloo to write... MC baby... one more time with enthusiasm!... not quite

Next weekend however, is my aunts formal engagement party.. for those of you who have never been to one of these... well it is kind of crazy with the planning, preparations and ceremonies etc... Anyway, Apparently I have to represent my family, and since we are pretty close to them, it will be kinda cool to see what they are gonna make me do.. not to mention all the extra time I get to spend with my babies... they are the cutest thing ever... I love them lots.. I'll try and sneak them out of there... but as much as their mom would appreciate the quiet time, she would miss them too much after an hour... when they are older for sure... hehe...

Anyway, I'll try and update after my exam on saturday and let you know how things go... but don't shoot me if i don't have time or forget.... miss you all lots!

~ Lish

Travels of Japan

2006-07-17T11:33:00.000-04:00

so i definatly have to tell you guys about my trip, but right now i am soo tired my eyes are being propped open by toothpicks.. haha.. So i'll definatly post a little later... for now enjoy the pigeon story below.. funny as hell (at least in my opinon and really that is the only one that truely counts... JK)

~Lish

Crap... hahahaha

2006-07-17T11:12:00.000-04:00

So here is an exceptionally funny story.. Although I think that you definatly had to be there...

So we (my dad, brother and I) decided one morning to go to Yokohama for a visit. I should mention that it is blasted hot in Japan... like so hot you would walk out of the hotel and be drenched in sweat before you took a step, like as soon as the doors opened. It was just so humid and it clung to you and made you sweat to your bones.

Anyway, so we decided while we were in Yokohama to take a boat cruise around the harbor and ended up at this little part that was kinda like the central park in New York. So as soon as we disembarked from the boat we spotted an AM/PM - no joke that is what the store was called. My brother, having counted all the change in his pocket announced we had enough to buy ice cream with the change (and since the goal was to get rid of all out change my dad just smiled and said go check it out and see if they have any there).

I have to mention that we would only buy the Hagen diaz.. .it was like 893 yen for 6 little containers of ice cream.. so not worth it if you take in the exchange rate.. at about 100 yen : 1 CND dollar... anyway, so my brother goes in and comes back carring a bag with out ice cream. So we sit in the park by this water fountain (that happened to be given to Yokohama by the people of San Diago (why we have no clue) and was the Water God).

As we were eating the ice cream, this pigeon comes up and starts hanging around my dad... quietly waiting for a drip or a crumb (dumb bird... ) So my dad kicks out his leg and the pigeon went nuts.. Like it started flapping its leg and doing the equivalent to a dog barking.. sqwaking and stuff like it belonged in a rubber room...

It finally calmed down landed about a yard away from us, calmly lifted its leg and shot a stream of bird shit onto the ground... so we sit there stare at it for like 2 minutes calmly eating out ice cream and then i turn to my dad and say, just as calmly "Daddy, you scared the shit out of that bird!"...

Hahaha.. oh my god we died we were laughing soo hard there were tears running down our cheecks.. hahaha

the best part was that night we went out for dinner with my mom's co-workers and her boss (the CEO incumbent) and i was telling my mom the story and they all thought it was soo funny... here were all were in this really expensive dinner talking about scaring the shit out of pigeons.. hahaha

You definatly had to be there :).

~Lish

First thoughts from a land of raw fish and rice... No Joke...

2006-07-09T08:45:00.000-04:00

The plane ride over was delayed for like 2 hours before we took off.. some passenger decided it would be cool to show up at the airport late.. so by the time we waited for him to get though security, his baggage to appear on board, and then refuel, so that the plane could essentially go faster, we were finally off. The food of the plane sucked ass... and for some reason they gave us a really old plane, so we didn't have our own control panel to watch whatever we wanted to (to New York you do, but Japan, the land of the technological advances, we didn't)... didn;t make much sense, but then again, when does Air Canada ever make any sense?

What made me laugh was that we actually were served noodle cups on the plane.. it was good don't get me wrong, just the most random thing ever to be served... haha.. and it was totally bright all the way to Japan, didn't fly in the dark once.. haha.. I guess a 13 hour plane ride and a 13 hour time difference does that to you... We lost an entire day travelling to Japan. We left on wednesday from Toronto and arrived in Japan on Thursday evening. It took us 2 hours to get from the airport to the hotel and once there we totally crashed (well after taking a much needed shower (ewww we were totally gross)).

Friday came around and we decided to walk to my mom's company's office, so we set out, first looking for a breakfast place.. good old starbucks.. no Joke.. there is a starbucks on every corner and sometimes there are 2.. the Japanese love there starbucks. Two seconds after we walked out of the hotel we were all dripping with sweat.. ya i know it is gross, but it was disgustingly hot... no sun, just really humid and wet hot air, all around us, pressing into us. I guess that is why the Japanese don't ever walk anywhere...

After visiting my mom's office, we then decided to go to this shopping place. Take the Eaton's centre and multiply it by 10... i think that was the size of the shopping center that we went to, all with super high end clothing. It was located in 5 buildings, all linked together somehow.. it was the neatest thing there was actuallly a store for just hankerchiefs... very bizzarre, but really kinda cool too... We had sushi for lunch/dinner... and while it was a fast food type place, it was the best sushi I have had.. soo good and fresh.. yum! We all completly crashed at 3:30pm and after a 45 minute walk back to the hotel we all fell asleep, which ended up screwing us all over cause we all woke up at 1:30am and finally went back to bed at 5:00am.

Saturday had us waking up and showered and dressed by 7:00am... we decided to go visit the Fish market... Oh my god was it the coolest thing ever... this place was also like 10 times the Eaton's centre, of just fish and seafood. They had these huge saw's and were cutting Tuna that weighed 75 kg and up in to pieces and packaging it.. meanwhile there were motorized vehicles like tractors running up and down the aisles, thousands of people everywhere.. it was the coolest thing ever... Attached to that was this cool market that was like the St. Laurence Market only bigger... it had all these cools veggies, and stores that had almost everything in it. There were these awsome noodle places that were litterally holes in the wall, that seated like 4 people infront of their little store fronts. We really wanted to eat at the places, but we had no idea what was in the bowls, and no one spoke english, and my mom deadly allergic to shellfish, and us all not eating pork, well we decided it was a risk we weren't going to take -- at least with my mom with us.. hahaha...

That afternoon we went to this part of tokyo called Akihabara. This is a whole city pretty much of just electronic stores -- no joke... huge buildings with floors of electronics. One floor dedicated to one type of electronic, like there was a floor dedicated to cellphones, another to laptops, another to desktops, cameras, pens and pencils, mp3 players, etc... my god the first building we went to had 12 floors and was bigger than the eaton's centre... it was huge! there there was like streets and streets of more electronic stores, the convience stores all sold laptops and cds and dvds.... wow talk about overload to the max! brands I have never heard of, the coolest things that probably won't come out for ages... and so full of people. The stores were packed to the brim with people.

The coolest thing ever about places in Japan is that every tall building has a floor (so far it has all been consistently the 8th floor) that has at least 10 restaurants (sit down) to eat at ranging from sushi, to korean bbq, to chinese, to india, to spanish, to dessert. They all have plates with the special of the day sitting out side the restaurants, but we never have any idea what is in them, or what they are because we can't speak or read japanese.. which totally sucks.. so we ended up eating at an indian restaurant with a waiter who spoke japanese, english and hindu... the funniest guy ever.. haha.. good food too...

We managed to stay awake until 9:30pm and then we fitfully slept... waking up to watch the game at 3:00am and then taking a nap until 10am..

Today, Sunday, We spent the whole day at this place called Odaiba.. it is called the futuristic place.. although the only futuristic place is the museum of creative innovation and the fuji building which looks kinda cool. The rest of the area is full of shopping malls... like huge ones.. it is funny that a place with soo many people and soo little space, has such large areas of shopping and so much green grass, trees, flowers...

The othe thing is all the women here dress up soo much and all wear high heeled sandals.. like super fancy ones you would wear to a wedding or something.. it is the weirdest thing..

So, so far it has been a very cool experience. It is difficult getting around (we are always getting lost in the subway, on the streets... haha.. but that is an experience in itself) and trying to eat things.. but it is amazing and we have always managed to get around ok :)...

Anyway, I just wanted to write down some thoughts and experieces and share it with you all... my dad has taken close to 500 pics so far and my bro has taken about 300 too... so I have tons of pics to show you guys when i get back..

Miss ya lots!

~Lish

Leaving on a jetplane... do know when i'll be back again...

2006-07-05T01:25:00.000-04:00

So in exactly 12 hours from now I will be taking off from Toronto's Pearson International Terminal 1... Off to Japan.. Tokyo to be exact..

Looking forward to the trip hugely... gonna be kinda weird though with my sister not being there with us, but we should have fun. My mom has to work for a few days, but we get to spend the rest of the time sightseeing and shopping for cool electronics, clothes, and food (sushi, yum!)...

The only part of the trip I am not looking forward to is the 13 hour and 20 minute flight.. we are flying direct.. which i suppose is a blessing in itself.

I'll have my computer with me (I am horrendously addicted to checking e-mail and everyone's blogs, plus I actually have some work to do while on vacation) So e-mail me if you want, just remember I am 13 hours ahead of all of you all.. which might make for interesting times when Adam sends me his essay to edit... hmmm... i guess it is a good thing that I told CM to do it if they couldn't get ahold of me.. haha

Anyway, If you guys want anything lemme knowI'll bring you guys back something :). I'll be coming back on the 16th in the afternoon.. and prolly be up in Loo the week after that...

Miss you guys lots! Msg me if you need anything!

~Lish

It was fate....

2006-07-03T12:54:00.000-04:00

So I was supposed to go to loo today, but well that didn't happen. I am currently sitting in my room supposed to be packing for our vacation...

Lemme tell the story from the beginning...

So I loaded up the car and then asked my mom to help me with the garage door (the motor burnt out in the opener, so we have to open it by hand).. Anyway, so she was like hey you have a flat, you can't drive on that (talk about stating the obvious).

Anyway, so we turn the compressor on and just as we are about to reinflat the tire, we notice that the whole bottom portion of the tire is cracked.. like major crackage.. it is like a fat plumber who bends over.. crackage to the max...

Anyway, so we call my dad and explain the situation and he was like take the car to a garage and get them to change the tire and use the spare (which happens to be a full out tire) on the back to replace it.. So we (my mom and I) get to the garage and they can't get it off.. Turns out because we have never needed a tire replaced yet (knock on wood) the lock on the tire rusted shut and they would have to weld cut the lock off and we wouldn't be able to put the tire back on nor would we be able to use the lock again... and even if they had time to do that, which they didn't, it would take them a few hours to even get the tire off to begin with. So the guy says he'll call another place and see if they can do it for us, so he calls and because it is the holiday, obviously they were closed today.

So the garage guy informs us that we would have to replace all 4 tires (which was a fact corroborated by the owners manual because it is a 4x4)... and at more than $200.00 a tire. Oh ya and did he mention that he didn't carry those in stock??

After all that my mom was like umm maybe you shouldn't go to loo today afterall..

So sorry Matty to ditch ya for lunch and whoever else i promised to do stuff with while I was in town... it'll be after I get back from holidays until I am able to make it back up to Loo..

I have soo much to tell you boyz... I'll write more later.. right now i gotta run.. getting my hair cut... pray for me i've never been here before and i soo don't wanna have to kick their ass for doing a horrible job... there aren't enough hair dressers in all of Toronto for that :)....

~Lish

Be Happy!

2006-06-29T15:12:00.000-04:00

So I had a wonderful surprise today at work. One of my best friends from elementary school came to see me. She used to live in Montreal, but now has moved back and thank goodness because I love her and miss her dearly.

Anyways, this friend is getting married next year, and she came by to ask me if i would be her bridesmaid. I was so touched that she would even think of me and I happily accepted. It'll just be me and her maid of honor and we are best friends too so it will be fun.

I have known her since we were in elementary school in first grade and we have kept in touch ever since. She calls my mom and dad, mommy and daddy and her parents call me their second daughter. I left when I went to High School to Toronto, and while we could have drifted apart, we have managed to keep in touch and have remained close friends.

I am so touched and a tad bit shocked, truth be told I was honored to have been asked in the first place. I love her dearly and only want her to be happy forever.

~Lish

the disasterous almost haircut...

2006-06-28T23:44:00.000-04:00

K, here is a story.. but the resolution has yet to occur so i am gonna leave you all hanging.. sorry.. :D

So last thursday night, my sister and I had plans to get a haircut at a salon we have gone to many many times. My sister had booked us appts the night before with 2 selected individuals.. we had slowly gone through the entire staff and requested that we not have a whole bunch of people... So my sis booked it with these two people we hadn't had yet and we were set. We had two appts at 6:15pm with Mary and Marianna.

I think I should mention at this time, the last time I went there they forgot about me and didn't get to me for an hour and a half.. my mom was soo pissed off with them they gave us a whole bunch of gift certificates to placate her.

So anyway, after scooting down to Don mills and eglington and then back up to 16 and younge, we made it just at 6:05pm. So we get there at the desk and we are like we are both here for our appts. So the girl takes two aprons and leads us to the back and introduces us to our stylists... and what do you know they put one of us with this fat, sweaty, italian pig of a guy whom my sister and i both hate passionately after he cut our hair crooked and we had to go back to get it recut. So my sister goes to the receptionist.. I am sorry but we specifically asked not to have Silvio, and I am sorry if i sound rude, but he screwed my hair last time he cut it. The other stylist was one of the people we were supposed to have Marianna (although she was quite unkempt and her hair looked hideous for her being a master stylist and charging over $50 for a cut).

So she takes us back out front and then tells us sorry but Marianna can only see us in a half hour (btw she was doing nothing in the back when we went there) and that she was the only one available for the rest of the evening, so if we both wanted to get our hair cut, we would have to do it in succession.

My sister was like there is no way i am waiting until 9pm to get my haircut, whatever get yours done I can always come back, you will probably never get a chance to get it done again. So I say fine i'll come back at 6:30.

At 6:30 i go back and the girl takes me to the back to get it washed. She tells me that someone will wash my hair in a couple minutes and that Marianna will be with me in about 5 minutes. So i sit there and wait, and wait, and wait, and wait.. a whole freaking 30 minutes elapses and I am still sitting there waiting to get my hair washed and waiting for Marianna to come and give me a consultation. Nothing not one word from any of the other people there. I sat there getting more and more infuriated. The receptionist comes back and is like oh wait, someone should be with you in a minute. The girl who was supposed to wash my hair was told to wash it and the receptionist left. Another 10 minutes went by (let me mention I was the only one at the back where the sinks were and the girl who washes the hair was sitting there reading a magazine).

I was so freaking pissed off that I did what the only sane person on earth would have done, I got up and walked to the receptionists desk and yelled at her in front of some stylists who were just standing there (as if they couldn't have cut my sisters hair) and in front of some clients. I was soo mad and you know what she did? Nothing abso-freaking-loutly nothing. So I walked away and walked right back again and demanded i speak to the manager, and instead left with a card with the managers name on it.

So now i have to call and speak to the manager, get bloody pissed off again, and I still have not gotten my haircut.

So when I finally get ahold of the manager I shall let you all know what happened. I told them that I would never go back there again (a fact which my mom and dad are exceptionally proud of both my sister and I for walking out and getting mad at them) and the only reason my mom still would go there was because she liked the one person, but if that person were to leave tomorrow she would go with him in a heart beat...

*sigh* people these days...

~Lish

The dinner disaster...

2006-06-25T23:19:00.000-04:00

so here is a bit of a funny story...

So my dad is insane.. really and he had this random idea to make his own mince meat in order to ultimately make Kebobs...

K lemme tell the whole story... we went to the grocery store and asked them if they were able to make us some mice meat that was less finely ground.. and they couldn't so we asked them what type of meat they used to make ground beef. So we picked up a few packages and decided to experiment for dinner.

So for those of you who don't know kebobs are these things that are rolled seasoned sort of tubes of ground beef.. haha.. sounds sooo random...

Anyways, So we get home and hook up the mincer on our kitchen aid and get to work.. 6 steaks and 4 hours later.. ya it took us 4 hours because the fat kept getting stuck in the mincer.... splatters of meat and blood all over the kitchen, we had about a pound or less of ground beef.. haha.. all that work for that much. Not only that but the onion, hot pepper, and corriander mixture was almost 4 times the amount of ground beef.. haha.. so my mom had to go out and buy some more so that we could actually make diner.. haha.. it was soo funny...

Although I guess you had to be there...

~Lish

2006-06-24T09:52:00.000-04:00

Since I have abandoned my fans, I decided to do a short little update (shout out to Matty who made this possible, hehe)...

So Thursday was my mom's b-day and for once we all remembered and wished her on the right day.. haha it was awsome and we even picked up a cake for her which i think we are giving her tomorrow. She still doesn't think she is getting anything...

I love it because she never expects anything from us, and when we do, do something for her she is so stunned.. haha.. yes stunned.. the look on her face is just priceless.

I'm also taking this course... and it is soo boring.. like we all sit there for 3 hours every 3 days and listen to the facillitator talk at us... and they go sooo SLLLLLOOOOOWWWWWW... I die... i wanna reach into my bag and pull out my new paperback and finish the intriguing romantic suspense that is unfolding... hahaha

I guess you all now know that I read romantic suspence novels.. meh... I think in the last 2 weeks I have read 6 books... they were really good actually...

*sigh* right now my fam and i are sitting on the couches watching a moving and just waiting until that magical time when my parents decide it is time for them to get ready to go to some retirement party they are going to.. haha.. we (the three kids) are staying home but we have no plans for the evening.. maybe go see a movie?? who knows.. meh..

Other than that.. there is nothing else going on.. I guess i'll update a bit later.. hahaha... sorry matty :)..

~Lish

Inevitability... it sucks balls... not that i would know...

2006-06-07T09:48:00.000-04:00

I feel so lost, confused, scared and afraid for my life. I feel like i am falling endlessly down a dark and twisted tunnel, never reaching the bottom, never knowing where I am or what I am doing. The knowledge of not knowing is killing me...

My heart is heavy, and i hate where I am right now. I hate being home, I hate the pressures of family and i hate that nothing i do is ever right or good enough.

My morning started alright, gave some advice to a good friend of mine. But it quickly went downhill. The 400 was closed because a tractor trailer flipped and spilled its load all over the highway onto both the north and soutbound lanes... Looked like we were going to be late for work...

So we were sitting, enjoying, being peaceful, when all of sudden my father started yelling at me. I don't know what the hell I did... I hadn't said anything. He was talking and i was listening. I am sorry if i don't have a response right away, i am sorry if i am not good enough, i am sorry if you expect things that i haven't given you, i am sorry i would like to live my life for myself and not for him. He wants us to have all these things, and while i understand and respect that, i resent his underminded, underhanded methods of trying to push us to do something only he sees as correct. There is no other way, there is no choice. We are forced into what he says, when he says it. That is totally unfair. He asked me what the point of getting a degree was if i wasn't going to do anything with it. He was the reason I got that particular degree... I was forced to get it. It never made me happy, it didn't fulfill me inside, didn't make me happy, I was miserable and worked hard to get my not so great marks. He doesn't realize I was in the library everyday doing work. He seems to think my friends are more important to me than anything else. He seems to think i have no reason to do anything and that I have wasted the last 4 years of my life.

He said I was killing him, and once He actually died, maybe i would understand what he was trying to tell me. He told me that I was the reason he was so stressed, I was the reason that he had heart pains.

He gave me a choice, a decision I had to make in less than a minute, less than 30 seconds. Did I stay and change my attidtude, or did I choose to leave, he would give me money for the next 2 weeks and that was it.. To Go and say goodbye to everything I had known or To Stay and suffer, and kill myself (not litterally, emotionally and mentally)?

What the fuck was I supposed to do? I don't have an attitude. I am sorry if i don't want to live his life, if i want to be happy for me. I don't need to be a professional, I don't need to make lots of money. I need to be happy. If being happy means I get a minimum wage job, struggle with money, but am happy to the tips of my toes then so be it.

I am not happy, I am miserable, sick to my stomach with worry, stress, uncertainty, fear. I want to leave, but i am a coward. I am a spoiled child who is used to certain things. I don't need them, but i am used to everything i have gotten. But all that I have has come at a terrible price. The price of my freedom and happiness.

What I need is to get a job, get into a school, go far away, sever all ties with my family start on my own, away from this place, away from him, where i can think, breath, act, feel without answering to anyone but myself, and I need to do it soon because my mind will snap, my body will snap, who i am will no longer be.

I am holding on to a string by my fingertips and i can feel the rope burn on my palms and the rope slipping.

I am sorry for so many things... and i want so many things in my life.

I want to be loved and cherished, to be held... to have a person perfectly understand where i am coming from and what i need without me having to say anything.. I want to be able to live a life that is my own and to make my own decisions, to not live with disappointment, fear, misery, heartbreak.

Does he have any idea how difficult it is hearing that you are going to be the cause of someone's death? does he have any idea what we have done for him? does he even see the good in anything, anyone? we are his children, yet his love is conditional, we must fullfill all these requirements before we get love, before we get approval.. and yet we are all trying to do just that... seek his approval.. for what? just to get it slapped back into our faces because it isn't good enough? to be told that all our accomplishments are for not and mean nothing to him.... so what is the point of him coming to my graduation? what is the point of him bringing me to his office day after day when i could be home looking for jobs, looking for something, anything, completing applications, trying to get the hell away from him?

does he need that much control that he needs to know exactly where we are, when we are there, how we are there, what we are doing while getting there, while there.. everything anythign...

some may argue that he loves us too much.... that may be true in some sick twisted way, but living that life, livign that way it takes a toll.. and that toll may very well lead me to become a personless body.. a body that just lives... does nothing, feels nothing.. and that isn't what i want...

so the only conclusion is that I need to leave.. i need to get far away... i need some independence... i need to get away from the person who provided the genes that produced me.

I need to do this for me, before something happens that is spirlling out of my control.

~Lish

A lil' update...

2006-06-01T20:38:00.000-04:00

So the next month or two is gonna be exceptionally hectic... I say this because i seem to have all my time booked, and yet there is so much time available... Quite contradictory really, however, i am like that as well.. As someone pointed out to me today I am quite stubborn.

So on Monday I start a course I have enrolled in - the MCAT prep Course- The reason i am taking this is because i am writting the MCAT in August and while Medicine isn't my first choice, at least it is an avenue I can see myself working. Probably somthing like Doctors without boarders (quite the humanitarian, eh?)... I don't think i could sit still and answer the same questions, see the same hypochondriacs without wanting to kill someone or something (on that note I think sparky has past away :(... I'll find out when i pop over to the house on Saturday). I am kinda excited to take the course simply because it will get me out of my dad's office earlier and to Toronto, which totally is awsome.

This weekend I am going up to Waterloo to meet a group of girls who want to rent out my house. One room is rented, and if the three girls decide they want it too, the house is rented for the Fall (except for my bedroom, and only because I might come back and do my Masters or take a few courses.. we'll see)... I also get to see my little cousins and for all of you who havne't met them, they are the cutest things ever and I love them dearly. The key to them is to bribe them and then they love you and are loyal to you forever.. muahahaha... so evil, but hey the cookies I baked for them the last time I saw them soo worked, I have replaced my sister as the most loved :).

The week after next is a big week for me. It is not only my b-day but my graduation, which totally warrants a post all on its own when the time comes. Either way I plan on being in Waterloo for a few days (three actually) so after all work is done for everyone, we can so do something... The following weekend is probably going to be a big bbq at my house in toronto... I am confirming the date with my mommy and daddy so that should be fun, good food and fun times.

The week after that my mommy has enrolled my brother and I in a Problem Solving Decision making Analysis Class her company is teaching in Toronto. It will probably be exciting, my brother and I being the youngest in the class and the only non executives. That is if we don't get kicked out because they have too many people enrolled.. meh we'll take it as it comes :D...

That week is also the first of my mommy's b-days... yes she has two... her passport has one date and her drivers lisence has another... back from when they fled Africa - that in itself is an interesting story - So we usually forget both of them and make it up on their anniversary, but we try and aim for them both.. haha

So we are what in July now? We have Foot prints, which i really want to go to, but i am not sure my dad is gonna let me... he doesn't see the point in it.. but we'll see if I can manage to convince him. The following week I leave for about a week and a half on Vacation.

And Finally August Long weekend is our infamous Watermelon Party.. which I am sure I'll probably invite you guys and you will all probably say no because of exams.. but we'll see what happens... really it is a lot of fun.. everything is Watermelon... litterally (kinda scary actually how into it these people, my parents and my relatives are *shudder* we even had clothes made out of watermelon fabric that we wear on that day). Closer to that time i'll write about the conception of the watermelon party... it will take way to long to explain here. Needless to say it took over a year of inside jokes before the idea of the party was born.

Anyway, So that is my life for the next couple weeks with periodic visits to Waterloo peppered into it (yay for blizzards!!!!)... If I get a chance i'll update you all on the outcome of the past tennant situation.. which is starting to get underway.. gimme a couple months to update ya'll...

On the scary side... i spent the whole day in the ER with my mom yesterday (got there at 11:00am and left at 9:00pm). She was really dizzy and nausous. Anyways, after a series of tests, the doctor finally told her that there might be something very wrong with her or nothing at all. She scheduled my mom for and MRI and to see a neurologist. She thinks it may be MS... we are hopeing that, that isn't it. She gets the MRI in the next month and sees the specialist in the next couple weeks to months. It seems a little surreal to me at the moment... but so far she is doing ok, getting better.. I'll definatly keep you updated on the situation. Have i mentioned i hate sickness and hospitals?

~Lish

Good God...

2006-05-25T20:55:00.000-04:00

So the insomnia has come back... all that goes through my head are questions... constantly questions.

I am soo tired... exhausted mentally, physically, and emotionally... and as a result I keep saying things I never ment to say outloud, never ment to think, feel, act, express....

I need... I wish I knew...

If I knew i wouldn't be in this predicament, this limbo between the surreal and the real.

I just.. I just don't know anymore....

~Lish

8 Months In Review…

2006-05-08T13:46:00.000-04:00

Since September, time has moved so quickly.. I started my last year with hopes, dreams, expectations, and a firm desire to be finished school. I actually started counting the days that I had left in hopes that it would give me motivation to be done quicker. What I didn’t count on was meeting all the wonderful people that I did or missing the University environment so much that *gasp* I am actually considering coming back next year to do a victory lap..

Fall semester went by quickly… became involved with the Ismaili’s… but not so much that I was involved with the politics… It was a nice change. However, they made me rides co-ordinator and that was the worst experience of my life.. I think I was in tears every single Friday in frusteration, annoyance and general pissiness because things weren’t going the way I needed them too. I spent a total of 6 hours every Friday (a good thing I had it off) doing rides. I hated it passionately. I also didn’t do too well in school, I was still chilling too much and didn’t really know what I wanted to do.. I think procrastination was my main focus as well as a shitty exam schedule.

I also met some wonderful people, wood and all of her friends, some of my friend’s friends, more ismaili’s and realized that the person with whom I thought I had feelings for, was a complete asshole.. and refused to talk to him.. which was nice.. and not nice..

There were some fun events too.. Winterfest was a lot of fun.. driving down to Ottawa in 4 hours, while Wood slept peacefully, meeting her entire family, driving back following a cop car… All fun memories…

It was also this semester that I started to go to khane every Friday. Which is something that I enjoyed thoroughly. It gave me a place to think, to relax, to find the answers to the problems I had…To be social and meet other people, I never knew existed and who didn’t know I existed.

All in all a pretty good term in terms of social ness, but not in terms of marks..

Second semester started after a one week break. (it was literally a week.. which sucked ass soo badly). This was the semester of a life time..

I met soo many wonderful people, PC, CP/WB, MK, CK, Phil, etc.. I also found out that people who I thought were my friends, weren’t to be trusted. My entire friendship belief was shaken.. I started hanging out with other people and formed a new, more fun group of people. More and more people started to recognize me, wanted to chill with me and I was introduced to so many more people through PC…

Also it was discovered that two of the people who came to be some of my closest friends, had mothers who knew my mother before we were all born and went to school with each other at some point.. haha.. that was quite the discovery to which I found exceptionally remarkable simply because now we were all going to school together and had become friends through miraculous and interesting circumstances.

This was the semester most of my nicknames came from, lollipop, LP, candy maa, mummyji, etc. I became known as everyones mother. Although I do have to say that having children before I was even born is quite the feat divine conception and all that.. .. lemme tell ya :P! I guess it is my nature and I actually love it.. I baby everyone.. even my “Ex-husband” (got the divorce) became my child and now considers me his mother.. which I have got to tell ya is a little bit weird to say anything at all about it..
I also got very sick a few times… Was sick in bed for 2 weeks before reading week, and then during exams with pneumonia.. which I am still recovering from.. Although I do have to tell ya, that with allergies and my migraines starting up this summer doesn’t look too hot either..

I also did remarkable better in school over all this semester raising my overall average by 5%... All that hard work living at the SLC and DC paid off I guess.. Was offered a full time job, which I accepted, and was then told that the facility was shutting down, but given another one, to which I turned down for a whole bunch of reasons.

End of term was a success and my baby. I pulled off a pretty good night, I have got to say. We made even which was even better. Although the politics behind it still make me want to scream… and not being an official exec member was a pain in the behind.. it was the most amount of fun pulling off an event that a lot of people still say is best one they have gone to…

And in the end 4 months flew by like the speed of light.. it takes more time to blink.. All that time, all those memories and really 8 months and especially the last 4 just sped past.

So here’s to the most amazing friends I have ever met (the boyz), doing well in school, responsibilities, chilling, religious discussions, finding oneself, khane, shopping, family, recovering old friendships, confidents, memories, the good and the bad, the late night soccer, studying in the SLC, DC, RCH, pretending to study at home, REV, and going out for dinners, lunches, breakfasts, coffee, Tim’s, being comfortable in another presence to just sit and not say anything, to be asked what is wrong, and to ask what is wrong, fights, debates, friendly discussions, discussions for discussions sake, for points, for the sake of hearing your own voice and for hearing someone elses, running into people on campus, group dinners, people coming over, bbq’s, to knowing and not knowing what I’m doing for the rest of my life, to everyone who has become my family and my life and a lifetime of experiences gathered by the people I love, who love me and will forever be in my heart, my mind and my thoughts.

And just think in another month, I will be graduated on the same day I turn 22, it isn’t over yet.. not even close..

Love ya all and miss ya all daily!
~ Lp

2006-05-05T11:11:00.000-04:00

What can I say? This year was packed full of crazy activities, friends, moments (not all of which were good) and the good as well as the bad.

I'll post more later, when I have gotten my life a little more under control.. but for now I just wanted to say:

Thank you all so very much for being my family, my life for as long as I have known you all. You can't know how much it means to me.

LP

it shouldn't be, but it actually is kinda funny...

2006-04-20T21:14:00.000-04:00

20 degree weather and i got pneumonia.. sucks like a straw.... I dunno how i do it.. I have a full week to prepare for my last undergraduate University exam... and i get sick.. haha..

It is sort of funny.. Well I am getting better so that has to count for something and I deferred my last exam until the 4th of May.. So i'll be here for the first week of school! yay!...

I had said i would be here then before, but i never figured out quite how i was going to be able to do that.. hahaha.. I guess things always work out for a reason!

I will see all you boyz soon enough! Miss you lots in the mean time!

LP

2006-04-15T04:04:00.000-04:00

It is 4 am and i am sitting here.. thinking, aching to express something I don't know and I don't want to know.. but just knowing that i need too.... I dunno what to say or what to write.. all i know is that i feel the need to express myself somehow and I know that whatever I will write I still won't have captured exactly what i want.. I just can't put my finger on it... in time my friends.. in time...

I just got a wonderfully awsome call for a person who has become very dear to me... He is like my little brother.. calls me up every now and again, randomly out of the blue. It is nice, he calls whenever something is troubling him, or just to shoot the breeze.. We just had an awsome conversation for over a half hour about nothing in particular... Gonna miss that next year..

I also did something really stupid yesterday... I was feeling kinda out of it.. haveing slept for a really long time.. aka 26 hours with a 2 hour food break in the middle and random bouts of waking.. but sleeping anyways.. I woke up and was really disoriented.. didn't know what was going on, and I was shaking.. kinda a little sketchy.. So i went to school thinking that maybe a little work would help me, but it didn't.. just made me feel odd.. like i was doing something I shouldn't have been doing..

Regardless.. I recieved a bit of an aggravating call from my mom.. and it put me into a funk.. I was already in one to begin with.. but even more so after I talked to her.. I just had to get out of my house.. get out of the environment in which i found myself.. and I wanted company.. not anyones company.. the company of those people whom I love and who accept me for who I am.. regardless of everything. I guess i picked the wrong day to be out of sorts... So after promising not to do anything stupid, I decided to take a walk... I just needed to walk, to clear my head, to think of a million and one other things besides what I was thinking about. So I started to walk, and think, and walk.. and before I knew it I was at the SLC. Now I had promised to call someone in 10 mins to make sure i didn't do anything stupid.. well turns out 25 minutes had passed and I had done something stupid.. It was 2 am, I had walked from my house to the SLC and then i realized I was hungry..

So I walked to the pita pit and txted my whereabouts.. Ya I am sorry about that.. not about walking.. but that the thought of me walking, and the possiblities of me walking gave nightmares. I ended up with a few wonderfully awsome people.. and they made me feel a bit better.. So thanks guys (and thanks for the cookies too)... In the process of walking, however, I got sick.. and I am currently dying.. soo sick right now... only I could do something stupid and have it bite me in the ass...

Sorry I wasn't myself and Sorry I worry you endlessly...

But most of all thank you all for being always there, all the time... I love you all dearly.

sigh

2006-04-09T15:58:00.000-04:00

So here i am, sitting in SLC supposed to be studying..

I dunno.. i can't concentrate, haven't been able to for a few days now. I guess it is a combo of a bunch of things. I really wanna go home, i really wanna see my parents and i really need a hug from my mom. Those hugs make the world go away and everything becomes good again. I also really have to pass this course, and I realized yestruday that i have 2 months left here and I have soo many things to do and so many people to say good bye to. I haven't even told my grandparents. No one in my family except my brother, sister and my parents know I am leaving. Once they all find out it is gonna be family gathering after family gathering of saying good bye to everyone.

The more I realize I am gonna miss people, the more distant I feel like becoming with people, so that it doesn't hurt so much when i do have to leave. Which is totally unfair to those people and I appologize profusely.. but at the same time I want all those people to come with me, so that I never have to miss them. Haha.. only in a utopic world would that happen.. It is ok you all can come visit me :D.

So, i guess I should go back and attempt to study, once again, stop being annoyed as all hell with my other friends, ignore their demands and be with the people I actually want to be with and whom I am actually gonna miss the most, and whom I am the least stressed around. I'll post more when I actually finish the 2 exams in a row.

Lish

friendship.. sigh

2006-04-01T17:38:00.000-05:00

What is a friend? Lately i have been thinking about this and exploring the relationships i have with many people.. what I have found is somewhat interesting..

I had/have this friend and the had/have status of our relationship annoys the hell out of me. We weren;t friends when we both came to university, didn't even know the other person exisited.. I always thought she was this crazy superficial girl.. and it took me a really long time to realize that she was actually a nice intelligent person. One day, after a class that my friend and her room mate and myself were in, we sat down and she turned to me and was like Oh my god my room mate annoys the hell out of me.. and i was like Oh my god can i tell you i feel the same??? We bonded over bitching her psycho room mate and my "best" friend. I will get back to the "best" friend later... Anyways, so we became really good friends.. I mean she became my confident.. the person i could tell anything too. Then, on day a few months ago, i found out that she has been telling other people about what i have been telling her in confidence.. and this time the person whom the comment was about found out... It wasn't malicious, it wasn't ment to be mean, i responded to a question that was asked of me and I though that she was smart enough not to tell another person about it. My trust was betrayed.. How could i ever tell her anything that ment anything remotely important to me? I can never trust that she would keep it to herself.. ever again.. therein lies the had/have. Now in the mean time i became friends with another individual and that friendship i will forever be grateful for (again a story to get back to). He had mentioned to me before that he didn't trust her.. now how could this person whom i now trusted and was friends with not trust a person I had known for a few years and whom i trusted explicity? I would always defend her.. but not anymore.. It makes me sad and frusterated beyond belief. I find that the time i now spend with her I am always annoyed and i feel like she is taking advantage of me. I don't like being in her presence, I don't like talking to her, i don't like stuyding with her or helping her.. It is emotionally draining to be in her orbit, but at the same time there is something pulling me in.. stopping me from severing all contact.. Is it guilt? is it the fact that underneath it all i still want to keep this friendship? Is it that i miss my friend? or is it just to keep control of information shared?

So the room mate that i used to be friends with? ya that ended horribly.. like to the point where we no longer talk anymore.. we were really good friends, she knew everything about me, and me her... Then she started to annoy me.. little things really.. but she started to act like a bitch and pull away.. like she didn't want to spend time with me, with her room mate.. it was a little frusterating.. here we were putting in all this effort and she wasn't putting in anything in return.. how was the friendship supposed to sustain itself? friendship is a two way street.. you have to be totally honest with each other in order to maintain that friendship.. I guess that is why good friends are soo hard to find.. So anyways, I confronted her one day we sat, we cried, we worked things out.. or so i thought.. we parted that day and we were good. The next day was a total 180 however, she went to her room mate and was like alishah always says i am her friend, but i have never been her friend and i never wanted to be, i have never considered her to be my friend, but i haven't told her cause she needs friends and if i wasn't pretending to be her friend she would probably commit suicide. Ok hullo.. i don't think so.. I think i can survive without other people, i am not dependent or needy.. I mean common.. did she think that miracluously she was the only one putting in effort?? I was the one who did her assignments, took notes in class for her, made things right with her other friends, cook her dinner, buy her food.. I think I was the only one who even cared.. cause i thought that she would do to me what I would do for her.. Boy was I ever wrong.. Needless to say I stopped talking to her after I found that out, she thinks I need her, I DID NOT EVER need her.

On to friend number 3.. this person is the most wonderful person.. he has such a kind, generous heart. He listens and doesn't speak.. it is rare to find that and he offers awsome advice. While he makes me mad as hell, i know that as long as we talk about it and say sorry things will work out. I find myselfafraid of the future and what it will bring, in the sense that I have never really had any good luck with friendship, and i am afraid that this friend will loose touch, and we will never talk or see each other again. I am moving to California in a few months.. California.. can our friendship sustain the distance? I hope so cause it means a lot to me.. And i am gonna miss not being here and talking to him or getting a hung when i am down... I am gonna miss him and all the wonderful people who i have been introduced to and whom have become my friends as well.. I am gonna miss you all soo much and I hope you all come visit me... Some tears will definatly be shed when i go.

It is funny the people that come into your life at different times. I think that i have learned that once that person comes into your life, just grab, him or her and hold on for the ride. Put in effort on both your parts, you can't have it all.. everyone has the same basic needs, everyone needs to be loved, everyone needs a friend. I guess friendship to me means that you listen, care, offer advice, share and most of all trust. I don't think i can express to you all how much your friendship has ment and means to me or how much i am truely going to miss you. Remember the day when i thought my computer died? haha I think my reaction will be a million times worse.. But I know we will all keep in touch.. and i won't be gone forever..

I do tend to be a bit of a drama queen though.. the title is fitting now that i have a crown to go with the personality.. haha..

Lish

2006-03-25T21:04:00.000-05:00

Wow can you believe it??? there are only 7 days left of my undergrad career..

Wow 7 days.. seems unreal to me.. just yesturday i was unpacking my frosh kit with my mom and dad in # 70 in the Colombia Lake townhouses. In a blink of an eye, all those years, all that knowledge, everything.

we are all doing such wonderfully beautiful things.. we all have so much to offer, so much to explore, so much to live for. Our lives change constantly, except what most people don't seem to realize is that it changes in direct correlation to the things we do. Those things may be due to chance, but overall we are just hitting the first domino in a long string of dominos.

Last night was the End of Term dinner that i was mostly responsible for. It was a huge success and i can say with all honestly that it was one of the best i have ever been to, and it isn't just cause i organized it.. it truely was. I guess all that anxiousness paid off.. that and all the stress..

and the greatest part of the whole night was that i finnally was crowned.. hahaha and in my own mind i was queen.. hahaha.. for some it is inner strenght and passion, for me the tiara is a must.. the inner me was crowned.. i know have the iron will and get to sit and wave at people.. hehe.. slash soo not.. but whateves..

So last night was a total success.. while most of the exec didn't end up helping out, we all still had a good time, finished decorating and finished doing everything else that needed to be done before everyone started to come in. Thanks to all those who helped out.. i appreciate it thoroughly.. the funnies part of the whole night was that the actual in writting organizer asked me" what do you need me to do?" i successfully didn't laugh in her face.. which i think is a good thing.. :P... the other funny part was trying to teach mike bhanghra (sp?)... poor white kid.. not all that co-ordinated.. hehe.. t'is ok i love him anyways..

Once EOT ended it hit me.. a week left and no more classes.. i guess we just gotta savor what we ahve left, and try to spend as much time with those that mean a lot to us before we leave.. before I leave.. before life takes over and the winds of time take us in which ever direction it decides to blow in..

Lish

Soo much to do.. soo little time

2006-03-18T21:24:00.000-05:00

So the next two weeks or so are going to be hell.. pure unadulturated hell..

Why? Oh dee gee where to even begin.

This week is the End of Term and while i love entertaining and planning events and executing them.. it had gotten to the point where i am dealing more with politics then anything else. Myself and another aliesha.. or as we affectionately call ourselves - A squared... have been planning and putting things together for a while now. We have meetings once a week to determine all we need to do, and although we have left a lot of things for the last minute, so this week is going to be exceptionally busy. Add to that work that has to be done and my brother is coming up.. i'll get to that again...

This week alone I have a test, 2 big assignments, lab book due, rough draft due, paper and a lab report. Gonna be fun.. i am thinking maybe no sleep??? dunno if i can do it.. currently running on no sleep.. was up all night.. ended up talking religion sortta until 7 this morning.. it was actually inspiring.. well eventually get to a post on religion... and then i had to go home pack, clean and run to the bus terminal... busy morning

Anyways, So i mentioned above my brother is coming.. OH MY GOD i am soo excited.. i dunno why.. he has only been here once before when he was a little high schooler.. but i haven't seen him in a month. I think we are the two closest ones int he fam.. we understand each other in some senses.. He tells me everythign and i in turn tell him everything. Helps me mroe i think cause otherwise i would worry too much about him constantly.. me the chronic worrier *sigh*... So ya i am soo excited.. he is such a cutie and i want him to meet everyone... I can't wait.

Also Mike is coming.. yay! i love mike.. he is the most awsome dude ever.. went to elementary school with him.. known him since we were 6.. oh the stories i could tell.. excpet i was sworn to secrecy.. just between us i give in to torture.. (ie ask me a million times and i will jsut tell ya... ) Anyways, our relationship is kinda weird.. we were never all that close.. then one of our friends got married and we started hanging out more.. he comes to visit me and i go to visit him.. we have a lot of fun together.. i love him dearly.. he tells me all the gossip from back home and i tell him what i know.. we keep each other informed. It is good... a few months back a tragedy of massive proportions occurred in our group of friends and he went through a bad time.. everyone did really.. but i think it was nice that we could talk about it to each other.. me a person not soo in touch with everyone and him fully involoved.. hmmm... remind me to tell you about that later..

Anways.. so ya hopefully i can survive this week.. i know i will.. we'll see how everthing copes with me..

Lish

What to do, with a life like this...

2006-03-16T21:51:00.002-05:00

Wow.. so I have never been this stressed, nor had this much work to do in my life. I feel like I am constantly doing work, but that the work that I am doing isn't getting me anywhere. Like I keep picking something off the pile, but the pile is becoming a mountain, a mountain the size of Everest, climbable, but not with a lot of time. Just step by step, one phase at a time.

So, as you all know I am graduating at the end of this term. I have been applying to schools and jobs, but never expected anything. Just figured I would bum around this summer, take it easy and go teach in Korea in the fall. But have that last 4 months of fun and relaxation. At this point, I don't think I am mentally do another 1 or 2 or 4 years of school. I am burned out. Emotionally and mentally. I love Science and Microbio, but I am not finding the joy in it that I once did. It doesn't warm my soul and light my fire. It is something I do well, but something I have to, not because I love to. I don't really know if that makes any sense at all.. I am sort of struggling with the explanation to myself, never mind trying to verbalize it on paper.

Regardless, one of the jobs that I really wanted but never expected to ever get, got back to me a few weeks ago. The President of the company called me up and offered me another more wonderful opportunity in Santa Barbara, California. Wow, I thought to myself, California.. warm weather, cute guys in surf shorts, tans, and a wonderful opportunity to work with kids less fortunate both intellectually and monetarily. She asked if I would like to consider it and if I did, she would contact me about an interview if the foundation cleared my resume.

No sooner than a week went by when I received yet another call and an e-mail. Alishah, we would like you to come for an interview. Great I thought, this will be good experience. I have no experience for the job, so I probably won't get it. But, it would be nice... So as the week progresses I start to get nervous, like I kinda want it, but I don't expect it, but what if I did? The night before I was really nervous, went to bed kinda late, woke up really early and embarked on a journey that could possibly change my life forever.

So I arrive in Toronto and find the Hotel and I was early. At this point I was really not at all nervous cause I was soo tired and I pretty much figured I wouldn't get the job cause I had no experience, no qualifications. They just saw my resume and like something in it and that is why I was there. I decided that I would just be me, if you don't like that, meh, there you go. So myself and this other woman were interviewed together. We both started at quarter to 11:00am. First we filled out the application, then we had to wait for the others to finish up upstairs, then we had to go upstairs and talk to cosmo (this man, who seriously looks and acts like a woman.. soo California)... We talked to him and he asked us a whole bunch of questions, ethical ones, situational, critical thinking ones, experience, what we want to get out of a job such as this, etc.. the typical interview type questions. So while we were in the room with Cosom, this other fellow comes in and is like are they done phase 1 yet? and the two of us are like WTF? phase1? aren;t we on like phase 3? it is 1:00 and we have only gotten to phase 1? Oh dee gee.

So we finish up and go to yet another room where the human resources guy is and the head of the finance department. So they talk to us a little about what is going on, listen to our answers, let cosmo tell them how we were in the other part and then hand the other girl an offer. They give her the whole talk about this that and the other and I am sitting there thinking see I knew I wouldn't get it, but this was fun.. meh I wonder if I can still catch the 2 o'clock bus.. Anyways, so she finally finishes with her questions and then they are like ok how about you go downstairs and talk to the CEO. So we are both like ya ok.. so we get up to leave and they are like oh wait hold on a sec.. we want to talk to you alone. So I say ok sit down and wait for the girl to leave. Once she leaves they hand me my job offer...

I was soo shocked I was like huh.. did you make a mistake or something? you want me? an individual with no experience to come to Santa Barbara and work for you? are you kidding? why me? and why did I get offered the same amount as the girl with 4 years experience and credentials that certify her to do that type of work? So I sat there, with my heart starting to beat a little faster and they ask me... so you can start when? May 1st? and I am like if all goes well ya, but I need to talk to my parents first. How can I possibly make a decision to move all the way across the country 10 days after my last exam for at least 18 months? HOLY CRAPSHOOT! I have all these questions racing through my head, but it didn't really sink in, you know, I was aware, but not really. So they send me downstairs, give me a visa package to fill out when I let them know (in two weeks to a month) if I want the job, and I am done.

2:30 and I am finished the interview that may possibly change my life forever. I think I kinda exisited for a bit called my mom told her I got it.. but never really hit. Then last night it hit me. I came home from a really long day at school, I had all this work to complete for today and I sat in front of my computer and my mind started racing and thinking and going over board with all that this job offer ment to me and how much it would change things.

I literally started to cry. I was talking to zaf on msn and my heart was pouring out. What the fuck do I do now? what do I want to do? Is this really what I should do? What if I can't? what if I am no good? what if they don't like me? what if this what if that.. over and over... the tears started pouring down my face... I don't wanna leave my friends, I don't wanna leave my family... I don't want to leave soo soon. What if I am not ready? emotionally and mentally and physically?WHAT THE HELL DO I DO? my only answer was that I don't know..

All these questions, doubts, feelings, everything.. just had to come out.. I was swimming in tears.. I never cry... NEVER.. and here I am sitting in my room pouring my eyes out to zaf over msn.. talk about female hormones eh? and everything he told me just made me cry harder..

I litterally had a meltdown.. I couldn't handle it anymore.. I didn't know what to do.. I still don't know what to do.. I do know that my parents are fully ok with it though... they are willing to let thier oldest child move thousands of miles away for a job that could potentially change her for the rest of her life.. could give me the experince that I would never be able to get elsewhere. This coming from a family who moved all the way to toronto just so that I could go to high school there.. Holy Crap.. I might actually do this..

I am soo scared, and so nervous and worried and sad and glad and mad and everything. I am not used to feeling so off balance emotionally.. I don't know where to start, what to do nothing. I do know that I am probably going to break out in tears every now and again and I am going to have to make a decision. One of the hardest of my life and I know I can do it, it just may take me some time to figure it all out and say good bye. Cause either way.. I have a month left.. and I miss you all soo much already..

Fuck I am crying again.. damn emotional female hormones..

Lish

roommate? or bitch?

2006-03-10T00:26:00.000-05:00

Room mates, sometimes you get lucky but sometimes you don't.

I thought i got lucky.. but now i am definatly positive that i am not. Let me start at the beginning.

Last year I had my first experience with room mates and me being a landlord. I thought it was awsome. We all got a long, did stuff together, went out for dinner all the time, did stuff as a house. We were friends and the landlord, tennant barrier was broken down. It was awsome... or so i thought.

So i get a call over the summer. Alishah, we have ants in the house... and i am thinking shit how the hell is that possible.. i left a month ago and there was nothing, i cleaned the house and wipped down the cuppboards and shit. Then i start to think shit how the hell am i supposed to do anything about it cause i am in vancouver, it isn't like i can drive down and fix anything.. so I send them money and they buy a bunch of stuff and the problem is solved.. at least for the moment.

One week later, i get another phone call.. alishah, the washing machine is broken and is stretching the clothes. Ok, now this i need help with. I call my dad and he is like i will go replace it but i can't go up there for a few weeks. I say fine, whenever you get a chance. So i tell them, to wait a few weeks and if they need to do laundry to get it done somewhere in the mean time. I then get another call.. Alishah, I cna't afford to do that. Fine i say, and i send them money to get their clothes washed..

I finally finish work in Vancouver and come back and take a trip up to waterloo only to find out that, pam, has taken over the second bedroom on the upstairs floor and made it her garbage room thowing shit in there when ever she wants. The house is a pigsty and I tell them to clean the house. I can't even show the house because she has taken over the whole bloody damn place. Ok fine, I am not here and no one else is either, but still...

Fast Forward to this week. Pam comes into my room on tuesday night and throws a garbage can at my head. This being 20 seconds before the boyz, who had come to explicitly play guitar and perform for us ring the doorbell.. Like double you tee times eff.. I was soo not impressed. Also we have visitors in the kitchen in the form of ants. So the boyz come and stay for a little while, but then i go downstairs to talk to my mom and she is sitting in the kitchen cleaning out everything and giving me cut eye the entire time. And just before she comes upstairs she tells her bf that I don't care about the house because I only care about my friends coming over. Like what the fuck???? What did I do to her? Last time i checked, i still haven't cashed her last 2 cheques because she asked me to put a hold on it.. shit those cheques are being cashed asap.. oh hell no.. you do not treat me that way. She also starts yelling at them when they walk into the house.. Ok hullo, they came to see you too.. she has no right dragging other people into an argument we are having.. although the last time i checked an argument didn't include throwing a fucking garbage can at my head, which she fucking sent to burlington.. So we now don't have a garbage can...

So then i tell the boyz, do you mind if I cancel on you? cause I gotta deal with a room mate situation. So almost everyone goes and I go downstairs and help her clean. What else was I supposed to do? So then i come upstairs and one of my friends had stayed to talk.. but i wasn't in the mood.. you know? so we are there in my room chilling and pam calls some one on the phone and is fucking telling them she lives in a pigsty.. ok hell no she doesn't.

Anyways, fast forward to yesturday night. I arrange for a house meeting cause the kitchen does need to be cleaned and we had some other issues to disscuss. So we all sit in the living room and she goes well we are going to have our meeting but i am going to tell you that i am going to be distracted because i am leaving the tv on. and i am like excuse me? I was kinda hoping that you would turn it off so that we could discuss this in as short a time as necessary and so that everyone can pay attention. And she goes to me... but it is america's next top model, it is my show.. and i am sitting there thinking fuck i don't care what it is turn the fucking tv off so that we can discuss these things.. so i tell her.. whatever then.. and Aidan says i don't have time to come back in an hour so lets just do this and turn the tv off...

So the tv goes off and i start by telling them some issues i have, and Pam goes to me "One thing, if you are going to talk, you may want to quit having that confrontational tone cause you aren't going to get anywhere with that." And I am sitting there and i was like what the fuck so i say "I am sorry i didn't mean for it to come out that way, i had a horrible day and whatever i say i don't mean the tone, just the message, so I appoligize before hand" and in response she goes "well than maybe we should have this another day cause i don't want to listen to that shit".

Ok like what the fuck? Then in the meeting she says that I have to take responsibility for things because it is all my fault and when she first moved in in the summer she moved into a fucking pigsty..

Like what the fuck? I am sorry, but the hosue itsn't a pigsty, I left it super clean before i moved out in the summer. It isn't my fault that there are ants... I am hardly even here. I am here for 8 hours in the night, if at all, and I am gone for the rest of the day.. Like shit, how the fuck is it my fault?

So today, her msn name is I am not allowed to have a cat, but ants apparenlty are ok.

Ok, Bitch you asked for it, This calls for war.

Lish

that would be mother to you...

2006-03-07T01:24:00.000-05:00

So as many of you know, I am a youngin... like much younger than most of my friends, but i have this odd habit of taking over and becoming everyones mother... ya like i said weird...

It has come to the point where people think i am my siblings mother, and my friends call me mommy SLASH sexy mamma aka momma...

It all started 5 years ago.. I was in King of Persia with my mom and my 2 siblings and we were stuck in the hotel with this humongous shopping center (which is how the hamlet got its name.. i kid you not)... and instead of shopping my brother, sister and I decided to go to the gym next door (ya why we chose that over the mall.. i will never understand)... Anyways, so we get there and instead of swim, I decide to pull up a chair and read a trashy romance...

Since i am fully entranced in the world of Annie and Forcade (characters from the book)... My brother and sister, who at the time were 15 and 16 with me having just turned 18... decided to go into the Hot tube.. well for those of you who don't know, in most gyms you have to be over 18 in order to be in the hot tube or accompanied by an adult.. So the life guard pulls them out of the tube and brings them over to be. The next thing i know, the life guard is telling me "Ma'am, your children are not allowed in the hot tube unless you would like to get in with them because they aren't of age yet. Please tell your children that they cannot swim in the hot tube without parental accompaniement." And he turns and walks away...

I was just sitting their mouth agape.. thinking double-you tee times eff.. did he just call me they're mother??? hullo, i would have had to be 16 moths at the time of my sisters birth.. I DO NOT think soo.... ewww conception at 5 months.. oh dee gee times a million...

I quickly threw the memory out of my mind when not two months later, my sisters friend who has met my mother on numerous occasions, asked my sister why her mother didn't come with her to the door to drop her off.... and my sister was like my mom isn't even here... that was my sister...

Needless to say, it has happened quite a few times, with the most recent asking me if i was my mothers older sister.. I hope like hell i have my mothers genes in the future cause damn.. if i look that old now.. can you imagine 20 years from now.. ewwwww.. scrambled eggs.....

So it doesn;t bother me anymore for people to ask.. i have a score board going at home with my siblings to see how many times people mistake me for being much older than i am.. I guess it is just cause i am the oldest and i feel personally responsible for everyone and everything...

Next thing you know i am baking cupcakes for the boyz (who ironically are much older than me by a few years) on thier b-days to take to class for their friends.. and am waiting at home for their father with dinner.. hahaha ya like that would ever happen... hahaha.. the dinner part.. not the cupcakes.. (sorry CK... for some reason i can actually see myself doing that (and ps I have.. )

Lish

bandaids always made things feel better, why don't they anymore?

2006-03-04T03:01:00.000-05:00

So why is it that people find the need to drink their problems slash feelings away? I don't get it.. and as much as i sound like a hypocrite for telling people not to, I don't drink because i want to avoid things and i never drink in excess... I guess i jsut do it cause i like it.. weird eh?

So lemme tell you about this friend that i have... He is the most awsome, wonderful, thoughtful person ever.. and when i first met him i thought he was the most genuine person i had ever met... so my friend lately, has taken to drinking.

This coming from a guy who actually lectured me for an hour the first time we ever spent time together a lone... a person who stopped drinking, who is very strict and tells everyone else not to... HE has started to drink...

Now a drink or two i can understand.. but more than that... umm hell no.. and from him.. anything really is just a huge dissappointment cause really if he can;t stick to his beliefs, the stuff that makes him him, then how is anyone else supposed to either?

It worries me to the point where i get physically sick to think that he has to look to alchol to help him.. for what ever reasons... It makes me want to cry.. like sit in my room and ball my eyes out because i feel his pain.. there is something dark and evil eating at his soul, and for once i would just like it if he could tell me.. or tell someone so that it doens't become this evil think that is threatening to consume him whole...

i just wanna crawl into a ball and cry my heart out.. my heart is soo heavy with guilt, with worry, with stress.. I wanna take a break from it all.. just leave.. like physically sever all ties.. but where will that leave me? pretty much no where...

I realize yesturday i was in a shitty mood and i took it out on some people.. but i honestly didn't mean too.. and i know that everyone has thier off day.. fuck i am having an off weekend.. and everyone is noticing it.. like people i don't even talk to have told me.. but i dunno..

I just wish that i could push a magic button and the whole world would right itself... right now i feel off kilter and not in synch.. i hate it with a fucking passion and wish with all my heart it wouldn't be so.. but alas we are all grown ups, the hurts of the world cannot be patched up with a bandaid.. everynow and again we need to treat the hurts with antiseptic and that is when things start to hurt like hell, but only for a few seconds, or minutes.. and then it is all over..

Hopefully things will get better.. cause i can't deal with it much longer at the rate things are going..

Lish

baad day

2006-03-03T00:16:00.000-05:00

So i dunno what was wrong.. i think a combination of just not enough sleep and stress building up until it was overflowing.. which is weird cause everything is done for the week. I dunno... this week has been crazy.. like midterms, assignments, projects, meetings, tests and the list goes on add all that to the fact that i have been home collectively over 4 days for about 6 hours... I am hungry, tired and bitchy...

I feel really bad though cause my bad mood has interferred with other people, they noticed it and i can;t say i blame them for wanting to know why, but i don't even know myself... I dunno if that makes any sense at all.. and just the fact the people keep asking annoyed/annoys me even more. I just wasnt/am not in the mood... It wasn't a good day to get up, and if i didn't have to, i prolly would be still sleeping, catching up on all the sleep lost.

I guess i was just frusterated, sleepy and tired, i have no patience at all.. i just needed to fucking take a break from the normal person i am... is that so hard to understand? like just take a break from being a nice person all the time, a cheerful person all the time, peoples cheerleaders, the person that everyone can come to with their problems.. for one day can everyone just keep it to themselves.. I am calling in sick today and tomorrow, I need sometime for me, for my mental health as well.. I can't do it 24 hours a day 365 days a year.. every now and again I need a day for myself to act the way i fucking want.. is that so difficult to understand????

I also have a headache the size of the eastern sea board, a headache that even three advils wouldn't help and that i know will be soo much worse tomorrow.. i can feel it at the back and the sides of my head, threatening to consume it, to eat up the last semblance of the small bits of niceness i have remaining.. god forbids anyone who even remotely pisses me off slash annoys me tomorrow... For that I fully appologize for that today.... I know it doesn't mean much.. But sorry nonetheless.

Today I just have to be a fake person and a bitch.. I hope my friends can understand.. but if not.. Monday is the beginning of a whole new week... I should be back to normal then.

Lish