What to do, with a life like this...
Wow.. so I have never been this stressed, nor had this much work to do in my life. I feel like I am constantly doing work, but that the work that I am doing isn't getting me anywhere. Like I keep picking something off the pile, but the pile is becoming a mountain, a mountain the size of Everest, climbable, but not with a lot of time. Just step by step, one phase at a time.
So, as you all know I am graduating at the end of this term. I have been applying to schools and jobs, but never expected anything. Just figured I would bum around this summer, take it easy and go teach in Korea in the fall. But have that last 4 months of fun and relaxation. At this point, I don't think I am mentally do another 1 or 2 or 4 years of school. I am burned out. Emotionally and mentally. I love Science and Microbio, but I am not finding the joy in it that I once did. It doesn't warm my soul and light my fire. It is something I do well, but something I have to, not because I love to. I don't really know if that makes any sense at all.. I am sort of struggling with the explanation to myself, never mind trying to verbalize it on paper.
Regardless, one of the jobs that I really wanted but never expected to ever get, got back to me a few weeks ago. The President of the company called me up and offered me another more wonderful opportunity in Santa Barbara, California. Wow, I thought to myself, California.. warm weather, cute guys in surf shorts, tans, and a wonderful opportunity to work with kids less fortunate both intellectually and monetarily. She asked if I would like to consider it and if I did, she would contact me about an interview if the foundation cleared my resume.
No sooner than a week went by when I received yet another call and an e-mail. Alishah, we would like you to come for an interview. Great I thought, this will be good experience. I have no experience for the job, so I probably won't get it. But, it would be nice... So as the week progresses I start to get nervous, like I kinda want it, but I don't expect it, but what if I did? The night before I was really nervous, went to bed kinda late, woke up really early and embarked on a journey that could possibly change my life forever.
So I arrive in Toronto and find the Hotel and I was early. At this point I was really not at all nervous cause I was soo tired and I pretty much figured I wouldn't get the job cause I had no experience, no qualifications. They just saw my resume and like something in it and that is why I was there. I decided that I would just be me, if you don't like that, meh, there you go. So myself and this other woman were interviewed together. We both started at quarter to 11:00am. First we filled out the application, then we had to wait for the others to finish up upstairs, then we had to go upstairs and talk to cosmo (this man, who seriously looks and acts like a woman.. soo California)... We talked to him and he asked us a whole bunch of questions, ethical ones, situational, critical thinking ones, experience, what we want to get out of a job such as this, etc.. the typical interview type questions. So while we were in the room with Cosom, this other fellow comes in and is like are they done phase 1 yet? and the two of us are like WTF? phase1? aren;t we on like phase 3? it is 1:00 and we have only gotten to phase 1? Oh dee gee.
So we finish up and go to yet another room where the human resources guy is and the head of the finance department. So they talk to us a little about what is going on, listen to our answers, let cosmo tell them how we were in the other part and then hand the other girl an offer. They give her the whole talk about this that and the other and I am sitting there thinking see I knew I wouldn't get it, but this was fun.. meh I wonder if I can still catch the 2 o'clock bus.. Anyways, so she finally finishes with her questions and then they are like ok how about you go downstairs and talk to the CEO. So we are both like ya ok.. so we get up to leave and they are like oh wait hold on a sec.. we want to talk to you alone. So I say ok sit down and wait for the girl to leave. Once she leaves they hand me my job offer...
I was soo shocked I was like huh.. did you make a mistake or something? you want me? an individual with no experience to come to Santa Barbara and work for you? are you kidding? why me? and why did I get offered the same amount as the girl with 4 years experience and credentials that certify her to do that type of work? So I sat there, with my heart starting to beat a little faster and they ask me... so you can start when? May 1st? and I am like if all goes well ya, but I need to talk to my parents first. How can I possibly make a decision to move all the way across the country 10 days after my last exam for at least 18 months? HOLY CRAPSHOOT! I have all these questions racing through my head, but it didn't really sink in, you know, I was aware, but not really. So they send me downstairs, give me a visa package to fill out when I let them know (in two weeks to a month) if I want the job, and I am done.
2:30 and I am finished the interview that may possibly change my life forever. I think I kinda exisited for a bit called my mom told her I got it.. but never really hit. Then last night it hit me. I came home from a really long day at school, I had all this work to complete for today and I sat in front of my computer and my mind started racing and thinking and going over board with all that this job offer ment to me and how much it would change things.
I literally started to cry. I was talking to zaf on msn and my heart was pouring out. What the fuck do I do now? what do I want to do? Is this really what I should do? What if I can't? what if I am no good? what if they don't like me? what if this what if that.. over and over... the tears started pouring down my face... I don't wanna leave my friends, I don't wanna leave my family... I don't want to leave soo soon. What if I am not ready? emotionally and mentally and physically?WHAT THE HELL DO I DO? my only answer was that I don't know..
All these questions, doubts, feelings, everything.. just had to come out.. I was swimming in tears.. I never cry... NEVER.. and here I am sitting in my room pouring my eyes out to zaf over msn.. talk about female hormones eh? and everything he told me just made me cry harder..
I litterally had a meltdown.. I couldn't handle it anymore.. I didn't know what to do.. I still don't know what to do.. I do know that my parents are fully ok with it though... they are willing to let thier oldest child move thousands of miles away for a job that could potentially change her for the rest of her life.. could give me the experince that I would never be able to get elsewhere. This coming from a family who moved all the way to toronto just so that I could go to high school there.. Holy Crap.. I might actually do this..
I am soo scared, and so nervous and worried and sad and glad and mad and everything. I am not used to feeling so off balance emotionally.. I don't know where to start, what to do nothing. I do know that I am probably going to break out in tears every now and again and I am going to have to make a decision. One of the hardest of my life and I know I can do it, it just may take me some time to figure it all out and say good bye. Cause either way.. I have a month left.. and I miss you all soo much already..
Fuck I am crying again.. damn emotional female hormones..
Lish
So, as you all know I am graduating at the end of this term. I have been applying to schools and jobs, but never expected anything. Just figured I would bum around this summer, take it easy and go teach in Korea in the fall. But have that last 4 months of fun and relaxation. At this point, I don't think I am mentally do another 1 or 2 or 4 years of school. I am burned out. Emotionally and mentally. I love Science and Microbio, but I am not finding the joy in it that I once did. It doesn't warm my soul and light my fire. It is something I do well, but something I have to, not because I love to. I don't really know if that makes any sense at all.. I am sort of struggling with the explanation to myself, never mind trying to verbalize it on paper.
Regardless, one of the jobs that I really wanted but never expected to ever get, got back to me a few weeks ago. The President of the company called me up and offered me another more wonderful opportunity in Santa Barbara, California. Wow, I thought to myself, California.. warm weather, cute guys in surf shorts, tans, and a wonderful opportunity to work with kids less fortunate both intellectually and monetarily. She asked if I would like to consider it and if I did, she would contact me about an interview if the foundation cleared my resume.
No sooner than a week went by when I received yet another call and an e-mail. Alishah, we would like you to come for an interview. Great I thought, this will be good experience. I have no experience for the job, so I probably won't get it. But, it would be nice... So as the week progresses I start to get nervous, like I kinda want it, but I don't expect it, but what if I did? The night before I was really nervous, went to bed kinda late, woke up really early and embarked on a journey that could possibly change my life forever.
So I arrive in Toronto and find the Hotel and I was early. At this point I was really not at all nervous cause I was soo tired and I pretty much figured I wouldn't get the job cause I had no experience, no qualifications. They just saw my resume and like something in it and that is why I was there. I decided that I would just be me, if you don't like that, meh, there you go. So myself and this other woman were interviewed together. We both started at quarter to 11:00am. First we filled out the application, then we had to wait for the others to finish up upstairs, then we had to go upstairs and talk to cosmo (this man, who seriously looks and acts like a woman.. soo California)... We talked to him and he asked us a whole bunch of questions, ethical ones, situational, critical thinking ones, experience, what we want to get out of a job such as this, etc.. the typical interview type questions. So while we were in the room with Cosom, this other fellow comes in and is like are they done phase 1 yet? and the two of us are like WTF? phase1? aren;t we on like phase 3? it is 1:00 and we have only gotten to phase 1? Oh dee gee.
So we finish up and go to yet another room where the human resources guy is and the head of the finance department. So they talk to us a little about what is going on, listen to our answers, let cosmo tell them how we were in the other part and then hand the other girl an offer. They give her the whole talk about this that and the other and I am sitting there thinking see I knew I wouldn't get it, but this was fun.. meh I wonder if I can still catch the 2 o'clock bus.. Anyways, so she finally finishes with her questions and then they are like ok how about you go downstairs and talk to the CEO. So we are both like ya ok.. so we get up to leave and they are like oh wait hold on a sec.. we want to talk to you alone. So I say ok sit down and wait for the girl to leave. Once she leaves they hand me my job offer...
I was soo shocked I was like huh.. did you make a mistake or something? you want me? an individual with no experience to come to Santa Barbara and work for you? are you kidding? why me? and why did I get offered the same amount as the girl with 4 years experience and credentials that certify her to do that type of work? So I sat there, with my heart starting to beat a little faster and they ask me... so you can start when? May 1st? and I am like if all goes well ya, but I need to talk to my parents first. How can I possibly make a decision to move all the way across the country 10 days after my last exam for at least 18 months? HOLY CRAPSHOOT! I have all these questions racing through my head, but it didn't really sink in, you know, I was aware, but not really. So they send me downstairs, give me a visa package to fill out when I let them know (in two weeks to a month) if I want the job, and I am done.
2:30 and I am finished the interview that may possibly change my life forever. I think I kinda exisited for a bit called my mom told her I got it.. but never really hit. Then last night it hit me. I came home from a really long day at school, I had all this work to complete for today and I sat in front of my computer and my mind started racing and thinking and going over board with all that this job offer ment to me and how much it would change things.
I literally started to cry. I was talking to zaf on msn and my heart was pouring out. What the fuck do I do now? what do I want to do? Is this really what I should do? What if I can't? what if I am no good? what if they don't like me? what if this what if that.. over and over... the tears started pouring down my face... I don't wanna leave my friends, I don't wanna leave my family... I don't want to leave soo soon. What if I am not ready? emotionally and mentally and physically?WHAT THE HELL DO I DO? my only answer was that I don't know..
All these questions, doubts, feelings, everything.. just had to come out.. I was swimming in tears.. I never cry... NEVER.. and here I am sitting in my room pouring my eyes out to zaf over msn.. talk about female hormones eh? and everything he told me just made me cry harder..
I litterally had a meltdown.. I couldn't handle it anymore.. I didn't know what to do.. I still don't know what to do.. I do know that my parents are fully ok with it though... they are willing to let thier oldest child move thousands of miles away for a job that could potentially change her for the rest of her life.. could give me the experince that I would never be able to get elsewhere. This coming from a family who moved all the way to toronto just so that I could go to high school there.. Holy Crap.. I might actually do this..
I am soo scared, and so nervous and worried and sad and glad and mad and everything. I am not used to feeling so off balance emotionally.. I don't know where to start, what to do nothing. I do know that I am probably going to break out in tears every now and again and I am going to have to make a decision. One of the hardest of my life and I know I can do it, it just may take me some time to figure it all out and say good bye. Cause either way.. I have a month left.. and I miss you all soo much already..
Fuck I am crying again.. damn emotional female hormones..
Lish
posted by LP at 9:51 PM
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