Inevitability... it sucks balls... not that i would know...
I feel so lost, confused, scared and afraid for my life. I feel like i am falling endlessly down a dark and twisted tunnel, never reaching the bottom, never knowing where I am or what I am doing. The knowledge of not knowing is killing me...
My heart is heavy, and i hate where I am right now. I hate being home, I hate the pressures of family and i hate that nothing i do is ever right or good enough.
My morning started alright, gave some advice to a good friend of mine. But it quickly went downhill. The 400 was closed because a tractor trailer flipped and spilled its load all over the highway onto both the north and soutbound lanes... Looked like we were going to be late for work...
So we were sitting, enjoying, being peaceful, when all of sudden my father started yelling at me. I don't know what the hell I did... I hadn't said anything. He was talking and i was listening. I am sorry if i don't have a response right away, i am sorry if i am not good enough, i am sorry if you expect things that i haven't given you, i am sorry i would like to live my life for myself and not for him. He wants us to have all these things, and while i understand and respect that, i resent his underminded, underhanded methods of trying to push us to do something only he sees as correct. There is no other way, there is no choice. We are forced into what he says, when he says it. That is totally unfair. He asked me what the point of getting a degree was if i wasn't going to do anything with it. He was the reason I got that particular degree... I was forced to get it. It never made me happy, it didn't fulfill me inside, didn't make me happy, I was miserable and worked hard to get my not so great marks. He doesn't realize I was in the library everyday doing work. He seems to think my friends are more important to me than anything else. He seems to think i have no reason to do anything and that I have wasted the last 4 years of my life.
He said I was killing him, and once He actually died, maybe i would understand what he was trying to tell me. He told me that I was the reason he was so stressed, I was the reason that he had heart pains.
He gave me a choice, a decision I had to make in less than a minute, less than 30 seconds. Did I stay and change my attidtude, or did I choose to leave, he would give me money for the next 2 weeks and that was it.. To Go and say goodbye to everything I had known or To Stay and suffer, and kill myself (not litterally, emotionally and mentally)?
What the fuck was I supposed to do? I don't have an attitude. I am sorry if i don't want to live his life, if i want to be happy for me. I don't need to be a professional, I don't need to make lots of money. I need to be happy. If being happy means I get a minimum wage job, struggle with money, but am happy to the tips of my toes then so be it.
I am not happy, I am miserable, sick to my stomach with worry, stress, uncertainty, fear. I want to leave, but i am a coward. I am a spoiled child who is used to certain things. I don't need them, but i am used to everything i have gotten. But all that I have has come at a terrible price. The price of my freedom and happiness.
What I need is to get a job, get into a school, go far away, sever all ties with my family start on my own, away from this place, away from him, where i can think, breath, act, feel without answering to anyone but myself, and I need to do it soon because my mind will snap, my body will snap, who i am will no longer be.
I am holding on to a string by my fingertips and i can feel the rope burn on my palms and the rope slipping.
I am sorry for so many things... and i want so many things in my life.
I want to be loved and cherished, to be held... to have a person perfectly understand where i am coming from and what i need without me having to say anything.. I want to be able to live a life that is my own and to make my own decisions, to not live with disappointment, fear, misery, heartbreak.
Does he have any idea how difficult it is hearing that you are going to be the cause of someone's death? does he have any idea what we have done for him? does he even see the good in anything, anyone? we are his children, yet his love is conditional, we must fullfill all these requirements before we get love, before we get approval.. and yet we are all trying to do just that... seek his approval.. for what? just to get it slapped back into our faces because it isn't good enough? to be told that all our accomplishments are for not and mean nothing to him.... so what is the point of him coming to my graduation? what is the point of him bringing me to his office day after day when i could be home looking for jobs, looking for something, anything, completing applications, trying to get the hell away from him?
does he need that much control that he needs to know exactly where we are, when we are there, how we are there, what we are doing while getting there, while there.. everything anythign...
some may argue that he loves us too much.... that may be true in some sick twisted way, but living that life, livign that way it takes a toll.. and that toll may very well lead me to become a personless body.. a body that just lives... does nothing, feels nothing.. and that isn't what i want...
so the only conclusion is that I need to leave.. i need to get far away... i need some independence... i need to get away from the person who provided the genes that produced me.
I need to do this for me, before something happens that is spirlling out of my control.
~Lish
My heart is heavy, and i hate where I am right now. I hate being home, I hate the pressures of family and i hate that nothing i do is ever right or good enough.
My morning started alright, gave some advice to a good friend of mine. But it quickly went downhill. The 400 was closed because a tractor trailer flipped and spilled its load all over the highway onto both the north and soutbound lanes... Looked like we were going to be late for work...
So we were sitting, enjoying, being peaceful, when all of sudden my father started yelling at me. I don't know what the hell I did... I hadn't said anything. He was talking and i was listening. I am sorry if i don't have a response right away, i am sorry if i am not good enough, i am sorry if you expect things that i haven't given you, i am sorry i would like to live my life for myself and not for him. He wants us to have all these things, and while i understand and respect that, i resent his underminded, underhanded methods of trying to push us to do something only he sees as correct. There is no other way, there is no choice. We are forced into what he says, when he says it. That is totally unfair. He asked me what the point of getting a degree was if i wasn't going to do anything with it. He was the reason I got that particular degree... I was forced to get it. It never made me happy, it didn't fulfill me inside, didn't make me happy, I was miserable and worked hard to get my not so great marks. He doesn't realize I was in the library everyday doing work. He seems to think my friends are more important to me than anything else. He seems to think i have no reason to do anything and that I have wasted the last 4 years of my life.
He said I was killing him, and once He actually died, maybe i would understand what he was trying to tell me. He told me that I was the reason he was so stressed, I was the reason that he had heart pains.
He gave me a choice, a decision I had to make in less than a minute, less than 30 seconds. Did I stay and change my attidtude, or did I choose to leave, he would give me money for the next 2 weeks and that was it.. To Go and say goodbye to everything I had known or To Stay and suffer, and kill myself (not litterally, emotionally and mentally)?
What the fuck was I supposed to do? I don't have an attitude. I am sorry if i don't want to live his life, if i want to be happy for me. I don't need to be a professional, I don't need to make lots of money. I need to be happy. If being happy means I get a minimum wage job, struggle with money, but am happy to the tips of my toes then so be it.
I am not happy, I am miserable, sick to my stomach with worry, stress, uncertainty, fear. I want to leave, but i am a coward. I am a spoiled child who is used to certain things. I don't need them, but i am used to everything i have gotten. But all that I have has come at a terrible price. The price of my freedom and happiness.
What I need is to get a job, get into a school, go far away, sever all ties with my family start on my own, away from this place, away from him, where i can think, breath, act, feel without answering to anyone but myself, and I need to do it soon because my mind will snap, my body will snap, who i am will no longer be.
I am holding on to a string by my fingertips and i can feel the rope burn on my palms and the rope slipping.
I am sorry for so many things... and i want so many things in my life.
I want to be loved and cherished, to be held... to have a person perfectly understand where i am coming from and what i need without me having to say anything.. I want to be able to live a life that is my own and to make my own decisions, to not live with disappointment, fear, misery, heartbreak.
Does he have any idea how difficult it is hearing that you are going to be the cause of someone's death? does he have any idea what we have done for him? does he even see the good in anything, anyone? we are his children, yet his love is conditional, we must fullfill all these requirements before we get love, before we get approval.. and yet we are all trying to do just that... seek his approval.. for what? just to get it slapped back into our faces because it isn't good enough? to be told that all our accomplishments are for not and mean nothing to him.... so what is the point of him coming to my graduation? what is the point of him bringing me to his office day after day when i could be home looking for jobs, looking for something, anything, completing applications, trying to get the hell away from him?
does he need that much control that he needs to know exactly where we are, when we are there, how we are there, what we are doing while getting there, while there.. everything anythign...
some may argue that he loves us too much.... that may be true in some sick twisted way, but living that life, livign that way it takes a toll.. and that toll may very well lead me to become a personless body.. a body that just lives... does nothing, feels nothing.. and that isn't what i want...
so the only conclusion is that I need to leave.. i need to get far away... i need some independence... i need to get away from the person who provided the genes that produced me.
I need to do this for me, before something happens that is spirlling out of my control.
~Lish
posted by LP at 9:48 AM
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