So Lonley
I haven't posted in a while, and really i can't blame it on anyone but myself. So many things have happened since the last post and so many things haven't happened.
Let's start with the easy stuff shall we?
my 'w' keys sticks.. no idea why.. it is the most annoying thing ever. Like do you know how many times you actually use that key? not until you really have to keep pushing it, or re-reading your msn conversations and realize that you once again sent something without the W. Jeez.. I should probably get it fixed.. I think it is on the list of things i need to get done this semester.. damn list is so long already.
My shower head broke the other day and I swear it wasn't me who broke it. It was a certain friend of mine who came and spent the night.. ya and i go into the bathroom when he is done and there is water everywhere.. and I am talking everywhere.. it took me 20 minutes to mop it all up.. so i had to go get a new one, and once i got a new one, upon installation, i put a hole in it.. a hole and freaking HOLE! I swear to god holes will be the bane of my existence.. so now i have to go and get another freaking head to put on my shower and hope to hell that this one doesn't get a hole.. damn blasted shower head's made out of plastic... no wonder there is a freaking hole!
Then to top it off on that same fatefull day, i baked a chessecake (which by the way is soo yummy) and it cracked.. like totally cracked like there is a piece in the middle that is Medina and there is a trench around it like in the battle of the trench (sorry Islam midterm the other day), nevertheless, i cannot salvage it enough to serve to my beloved Islam professor when she comes for dinner. Are you kidding me?? So i made a new one the next day which also cracked, only this one is salvageable and I plan on serving it with strawberries, powdered sugar and shaved white chocolate... mmmmm... it will look good ( you gotta say that in the Joey voice.. it is so resonating in my mind at the momen, but i digress)
I had a conversation the other day with a friend of mine who says he can not talk to me anymore, because it is weird. Weird how, I mean ya certain dynamics change, things change all the time, but that doesn't mean that you still can't tell me things. I dunno it is frusterating to me. I don't know how to explain that things have changed, but they haven't, and while some for the better and some for the worst, well I still enjoy listening and it really won't bother me no matter what he has to tell me. I guess it goes both ways too.. there are things i have purposly not told him because i think it would be to weird, or that I feel like it would be misconstrude.. you think this is why most guys and girls can't be friends??? I find it odd too that i have more guy friends then girl friends and yet i have better relationships with the men in my life. While pushing one person away another moves closer and then moves away again. Relationships constantly in flux, and yet, for the sake of argument, could you imagine if relationships never change? would they get stagnant? after a while an equation will reach equilibrium, but depending on certain factors that equation can change, it is le chatilier's principle, so the principle notwithstanding, if that equation were to remain in equilibrium until the day of judgment, that would suck. What if there were things (maybe even living things) that depended on the fact that that equation shouldn't stay in equilibrium (equilibrium being a state where there is no change). I mean the whole of that society that depended on it would perish! *sigh* again I digress... So this friend, I want our comradrie back, I want to forget the past, but i doubt that is even possible, and yet i am afraid that this friendship will in the end vanish because for some reason i think that it was never ok after that. Could just be me though or could be the fact that i have a physics midterm tomorrow and I am just thinking about the end of the world. I mean on one hand I have a friend who won't tell me anything, and on the other I have a friend who tells me too much.. haha.. I guess i have my own equation going on that is constantly in flux.. It is ok I love them both, but i have come to realize that that friendships are all about you being happy for the state that your friend is in. And I am totally happy completely 100% happy for everyone.
I also had a friend who told me something back in May, something I was never allowed to ask questions about and that I was told would be told about it in September.. So september came and went and I still have no idea, and it has been killing me. I keep running things through my mind trying to figure it out, but i can't and I need help, because late at night when I want to sleep and I can't turn my mind off, I think about all the random useless crap in my mind and i eventually come back to that statment and all the questions.. So i think I need an answer and the answer that I have come to doesn't matter, and it constantly changes, but that is me and no matter how much i tell myself to be patient, I stil think about it and constantly change my mind about it... So really i have no answer except that I want an answer and I don't think i will ever get an answer until that friend is able to give me that answer, which will probably be when kingdom comes, knowing me and my ability to avoid confrontation at all cost even though it is killing me to want to know.. why i have no idea, I have no stake in it, and I don't even know why i keep thinking about it except that I am so damned curious about it and me being me I don't forget most things and this was, at that moment a pretty important thing too... Man oh man.
The other thing i realized was that I feel so alone. Don't get me wrong I have wonderful friends and children and grandchildren and weird stalker boys that creep me out, but still lots of people surrounding me, but at the same time I feel like one solitairy person in the middle of Times Square in New York during New years eve... a million people, but me just standing there and time constantly moving. I don't really know how to explain why other then I know i am loved by many, and I love them, but i don't have that one person to come home to, to share, to have to call my own.. haha I know that makes no sense so let me try again. I want a companion I guess. That one person who is a rock, an anchor that is forever with you always day, night, in your heart, and No it isn't the spiritual companion that I am looking for, my views on religion are odd, but not that, I am talking in a purely earthly sense about a live person, I guess you would classify it as a soul mate I guess anyway... So I feel lonely and that time is moving and yet i have stayed in the same place for so long that I feel like I am afraid, so very afraid that it may never happen, that I may never find this one person ment for me. And then I think but I am so young, I have to be able to find it and then I wonder if being afraid is making it harder to see and then I turn around and say but what if is doesn't and what if it does? What if is always the question that gets me and by that time I am so mentally exhausted that I think well fuck it... and then i get to a night like this, where I question everything and I don't know where I am in the overall universe or what is likely to happen because of my actions in the future.
I am that person, that person who believes that we alone create our own destiny. It is like the chaos theory. A butterfly flaps his wings in Mexico and there is a hurricane somewhere in Asia. that butterfly fully flapped his wings and that action caused an action to occur many thousands of miles away changing and gaining and twisting until it burst one day. I firmly believe that what we do today will lead us to the decisions we have to make tomorrow. Did I know i would get here today? No, but by applying to Waterloo, i have gotten to this point, I created that part of my future by getting here, I could have gone anywhere and yet I chose here.. there were very good reasons at the time, most of which i have forgotten, but if it weren't for that one tour guide who took the time and the paitence to take me around this campus, I would't be here today. We all have our reasons for things and our beliefs in certain things and places and people, I guess me procrastinating tonight is leading me to share some of these things with my dear readers, who have probably given up on me and my updating, but still.
So I haven't decided what I am going to do about this problem of feeling lonely in a large network of friends and family, nor what I am going to do about this friend who thinks things are weird. Do i tell him that I no longer have a stake in it? Do I tell him that no matter what the reaction that he thinks I am going to have won't happen? Do I tell him that I am emotionally exhausted and that I have given up? Not because things are weird, but because I have to focus on my future and I feel that I help contribute to him not focusing on his?
Most of all how do i erase the guilt that is eating me from the inside out about choices and things that i have said to people that I wish I never did, or that were said for the totally opposite reasons when things at the time felt like they were totally out of control and I grabbed onto the only thing I felt was stable at the time. Constantly this guilt hammers me and keeps me awake at night, and yet i shoudln't feel guilty about anything. I sometimes feel as though I carry the weight of the world, I make peoples problems my own, and I love that people come to me with their problems, and I love them so much that I want to slove their problems for them. And me knowing that i have to step aside and let them experience things themselves kills me. I hate that anyone get hurt for any reason, but it isn't fair or possible for me to wrap the whole world in bubble wrap as much fun as it seems.
So i leave you with that, the tip of the iceberg that is constantly in my mind constantly keeping me up at night, thinking, questioning, forever isolating me from the things I have come to realize i need almost desprately and yet at the same time terrifying me of the future and all it has to bring with it.
Right now however, I have procrastinated the day away and I have a physics midterm which I am totally unprepared for in 14 hours. I shall leave you with that and make a promise that I will attempt to update more often.
Love from the heart,
- Lish aka LP
Let's start with the easy stuff shall we?
my 'w' keys sticks.. no idea why.. it is the most annoying thing ever. Like do you know how many times you actually use that key? not until you really have to keep pushing it, or re-reading your msn conversations and realize that you once again sent something without the W. Jeez.. I should probably get it fixed.. I think it is on the list of things i need to get done this semester.. damn list is so long already.
My shower head broke the other day and I swear it wasn't me who broke it. It was a certain friend of mine who came and spent the night.. ya and i go into the bathroom when he is done and there is water everywhere.. and I am talking everywhere.. it took me 20 minutes to mop it all up.. so i had to go get a new one, and once i got a new one, upon installation, i put a hole in it.. a hole and freaking HOLE! I swear to god holes will be the bane of my existence.. so now i have to go and get another freaking head to put on my shower and hope to hell that this one doesn't get a hole.. damn blasted shower head's made out of plastic... no wonder there is a freaking hole!
Then to top it off on that same fatefull day, i baked a chessecake (which by the way is soo yummy) and it cracked.. like totally cracked like there is a piece in the middle that is Medina and there is a trench around it like in the battle of the trench (sorry Islam midterm the other day), nevertheless, i cannot salvage it enough to serve to my beloved Islam professor when she comes for dinner. Are you kidding me?? So i made a new one the next day which also cracked, only this one is salvageable and I plan on serving it with strawberries, powdered sugar and shaved white chocolate... mmmmm... it will look good ( you gotta say that in the Joey voice.. it is so resonating in my mind at the momen, but i digress)
I had a conversation the other day with a friend of mine who says he can not talk to me anymore, because it is weird. Weird how, I mean ya certain dynamics change, things change all the time, but that doesn't mean that you still can't tell me things. I dunno it is frusterating to me. I don't know how to explain that things have changed, but they haven't, and while some for the better and some for the worst, well I still enjoy listening and it really won't bother me no matter what he has to tell me. I guess it goes both ways too.. there are things i have purposly not told him because i think it would be to weird, or that I feel like it would be misconstrude.. you think this is why most guys and girls can't be friends??? I find it odd too that i have more guy friends then girl friends and yet i have better relationships with the men in my life. While pushing one person away another moves closer and then moves away again. Relationships constantly in flux, and yet, for the sake of argument, could you imagine if relationships never change? would they get stagnant? after a while an equation will reach equilibrium, but depending on certain factors that equation can change, it is le chatilier's principle, so the principle notwithstanding, if that equation were to remain in equilibrium until the day of judgment, that would suck. What if there were things (maybe even living things) that depended on the fact that that equation shouldn't stay in equilibrium (equilibrium being a state where there is no change). I mean the whole of that society that depended on it would perish! *sigh* again I digress... So this friend, I want our comradrie back, I want to forget the past, but i doubt that is even possible, and yet i am afraid that this friendship will in the end vanish because for some reason i think that it was never ok after that. Could just be me though or could be the fact that i have a physics midterm tomorrow and I am just thinking about the end of the world. I mean on one hand I have a friend who won't tell me anything, and on the other I have a friend who tells me too much.. haha.. I guess i have my own equation going on that is constantly in flux.. It is ok I love them both, but i have come to realize that that friendships are all about you being happy for the state that your friend is in. And I am totally happy completely 100% happy for everyone.
I also had a friend who told me something back in May, something I was never allowed to ask questions about and that I was told would be told about it in September.. So september came and went and I still have no idea, and it has been killing me. I keep running things through my mind trying to figure it out, but i can't and I need help, because late at night when I want to sleep and I can't turn my mind off, I think about all the random useless crap in my mind and i eventually come back to that statment and all the questions.. So i think I need an answer and the answer that I have come to doesn't matter, and it constantly changes, but that is me and no matter how much i tell myself to be patient, I stil think about it and constantly change my mind about it... So really i have no answer except that I want an answer and I don't think i will ever get an answer until that friend is able to give me that answer, which will probably be when kingdom comes, knowing me and my ability to avoid confrontation at all cost even though it is killing me to want to know.. why i have no idea, I have no stake in it, and I don't even know why i keep thinking about it except that I am so damned curious about it and me being me I don't forget most things and this was, at that moment a pretty important thing too... Man oh man.
The other thing i realized was that I feel so alone. Don't get me wrong I have wonderful friends and children and grandchildren and weird stalker boys that creep me out, but still lots of people surrounding me, but at the same time I feel like one solitairy person in the middle of Times Square in New York during New years eve... a million people, but me just standing there and time constantly moving. I don't really know how to explain why other then I know i am loved by many, and I love them, but i don't have that one person to come home to, to share, to have to call my own.. haha I know that makes no sense so let me try again. I want a companion I guess. That one person who is a rock, an anchor that is forever with you always day, night, in your heart, and No it isn't the spiritual companion that I am looking for, my views on religion are odd, but not that, I am talking in a purely earthly sense about a live person, I guess you would classify it as a soul mate I guess anyway... So I feel lonely and that time is moving and yet i have stayed in the same place for so long that I feel like I am afraid, so very afraid that it may never happen, that I may never find this one person ment for me. And then I think but I am so young, I have to be able to find it and then I wonder if being afraid is making it harder to see and then I turn around and say but what if is doesn't and what if it does? What if is always the question that gets me and by that time I am so mentally exhausted that I think well fuck it... and then i get to a night like this, where I question everything and I don't know where I am in the overall universe or what is likely to happen because of my actions in the future.
I am that person, that person who believes that we alone create our own destiny. It is like the chaos theory. A butterfly flaps his wings in Mexico and there is a hurricane somewhere in Asia. that butterfly fully flapped his wings and that action caused an action to occur many thousands of miles away changing and gaining and twisting until it burst one day. I firmly believe that what we do today will lead us to the decisions we have to make tomorrow. Did I know i would get here today? No, but by applying to Waterloo, i have gotten to this point, I created that part of my future by getting here, I could have gone anywhere and yet I chose here.. there were very good reasons at the time, most of which i have forgotten, but if it weren't for that one tour guide who took the time and the paitence to take me around this campus, I would't be here today. We all have our reasons for things and our beliefs in certain things and places and people, I guess me procrastinating tonight is leading me to share some of these things with my dear readers, who have probably given up on me and my updating, but still.
So I haven't decided what I am going to do about this problem of feeling lonely in a large network of friends and family, nor what I am going to do about this friend who thinks things are weird. Do i tell him that I no longer have a stake in it? Do I tell him that no matter what the reaction that he thinks I am going to have won't happen? Do I tell him that I am emotionally exhausted and that I have given up? Not because things are weird, but because I have to focus on my future and I feel that I help contribute to him not focusing on his?
Most of all how do i erase the guilt that is eating me from the inside out about choices and things that i have said to people that I wish I never did, or that were said for the totally opposite reasons when things at the time felt like they were totally out of control and I grabbed onto the only thing I felt was stable at the time. Constantly this guilt hammers me and keeps me awake at night, and yet i shoudln't feel guilty about anything. I sometimes feel as though I carry the weight of the world, I make peoples problems my own, and I love that people come to me with their problems, and I love them so much that I want to slove their problems for them. And me knowing that i have to step aside and let them experience things themselves kills me. I hate that anyone get hurt for any reason, but it isn't fair or possible for me to wrap the whole world in bubble wrap as much fun as it seems.
So i leave you with that, the tip of the iceberg that is constantly in my mind constantly keeping me up at night, thinking, questioning, forever isolating me from the things I have come to realize i need almost desprately and yet at the same time terrifying me of the future and all it has to bring with it.
Right now however, I have procrastinated the day away and I have a physics midterm which I am totally unprepared for in 14 hours. I shall leave you with that and make a promise that I will attempt to update more often.
Love from the heart,
- Lish aka LP
posted by LP at 11:18 PM
2 Comments:
i liked your post..very deep...but also very raw
i also liked your illiteration of "I feel like one solitairy person in the middle of Times Square in New York during New years eve... a million people, but me just standing there" (if that is that illiteration means making words paint a picture in your head)
it definitely feels like that a lot to me as well
if you want to have coffee sometime..just let me know..i'd love to
see ya..
Matthew
Hey LP,
Lemme see what I can help with.
The "w" key...turn off your machine, pry it up and clean the gunk from underneath. Sounds disgusting, but it usually works if you haven't dropped liquid onto the laptop keyboard.
Shower head...yeah, when I crashed, I used the upstairs tenants' bathroom, so I take no responsibility. But it does suck when it breaks.
I heard the cheesecake was a hit though at the dinner...I wish I could have made it...and those Magnolia cupcakes. Well, I'll have to take a raincheck on those.
Now to the bigger topics.
The thing about relationships is that they consist of a minimum of two people who are constantly changing personality-wise and situationally. As such, those relationships have to remain fluid and ever-changing.
And as for the needing of a companion, I was thinking the same until the summer of '69...or '05, whichever is more believeable. Then I realized that we have time for that later on in life...just be thankful for the friends you have and keep those bonds strong and everything will be alright again.
As Matt (implicitly) said, we're here for you and if you ever want coffee (and/or conversation), just call us up.
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