Passion
I have always wondered about passion, and I am not talking about the oohhh ahhh more baby more kind of sexual gratification, but about the personal drive and the goal setting that gets most people through the years and keeps them mentally safe at night knowing that they are doing everything they love.
The passion I am talking about is the thing that most people have a few are lucky to find in the journey we call life. I often wonder what my passion is, do i even have one or many as the case may be. What do I really want, what burns in my gut, what is filled with all my convictions? I have to say truthfully that I don't think that I even have any. What is it that makes my heart want to scream for joy and my gut feel like it is on air?
I look at some people around campus and I see some conieving bloodsuckers who trample on everyone to get what they want. Is this really passion? or is this cold blooded scheming to get what you think you deserve, but in fact is nothing even close to what you deserve because you have trampled the dreams and passions of others to get to where you are today. Did it ever occur to those people that by using everything and everyone to get to where they are, if they just used some compassion they would probably go farther and be able to look themselves in the mirror without the twinge of guilt. I have to assume that most people don't feel that guilt, and that they are probably sociopaths, but still. On a campus such as Waterloo with thousands of people there are bound to be those striving toward a goal. But there are also hundreds of students, like me ever searching for the one thing that would make them so excited that their hearts pound and their bodies get covered in sweat, the one thing they are dying to do that will for ever make them happy and feel satisfied.
I have wondered constantly if it is just me, why do i not know, why do i not feel, why do i not question or jump for joy. Why is it that even when given a second chance do i sit here the eve before a midterm and contemplate the meaning of life when I should be studying for all I am worth so that I can move towards my supposed passion. I think it is precisily because it is a supposed passion to begin with. How is it that I am supposed to be motivated when all i can think about is how the world has used me and my genuiness to get them places while I am still here?
And yet it continues, it continues this niceness and this trampling, while others are finding their passions. I am so jealous, I gotta admit. I have people surrounding me, people reading this or who will never read this but who should who have found their passions, religion, teaching, guitar, history, law, consulting, etc. But me, I am still here I am still contemplating me, contemplating life. I don't think i have ever been passionate about anything and that scares me, scares me to the bones. I find one thing and latch onto it, but deep in my heart what makes me me? what defines who I am, what actions and things create what makes up my heart and soul? to be honest I don't know, I have no idea who I really am.
A friend of mine told me today I needed to take a step back from a certain friend of mine and regain some perspective. I have lost my identity, my ability to bounce back from all situations. this friend is bringing me down, constantly to the point where I am questioning things more and more. This cycle always continuing. Me giving and giving and for a short period of time being given back, but after a while things start shifting, equations and equilibriums going unbalanced until it is me producing and producing but I am never being replenished until I become washed up and used and exhausted where no enzyme int eh world can help me lower my activation energy. I am exhausted of these relationships, of these constantly draining fluxing relationships. Why ever does it keep happening and why, when I know it is killing me do I keep coming back for more? until I am bled dry. Why does it take a moment where I get soo mad that I take it out on them forever changing the relationship. I did it once, and am better friends because of it, he appoligized for being an ass, but what happens with this other individual? What happens to me in the mean time?
I have come to realize that adoration isn't enough. I want an equal give and take friendship. I want exactly what I put into a friendship, if not more. I want to have everything. I want to feel, I want to breath, I want never to be emotionally exhausted by another individual. I want to be able to have passion, that all consuming, all encompassing feeling that I have found the thing that makes me me, that defines my very character, that creates happiness, so that I don't have to find that equal person in a friendship.
I want to be able to find that career path and that occupation that I cannot live without. But I want to do it in happiness not fear. I look at my Islam Professor and I see her passion, I see her love for life and I see that people like and respect her. I want that, I want her passion for something that I love. I want to have people respect me. I have come to see that while i have adoration, I don't have respect. Respect would mean that I would have equal relationships. Most of all I would like to be able to explain that I am who I am and have another be ok with it.
I don't know what I want and truely that is the root of the problem right there.. that is the reason I let people walk all over me, that is the reason I let others choose, that is the reason I am stuck in a friendship where I give more that I get and feel like I should be ok with it. Why is it that when you think you have found a person who you believe you can be yourself with, you have actually found a person who, when the goings get tough or weird, or annoying or frusterating or anything, turns tails and runs, but runs only far enough so that they can always come back when they need too???
I love my friends, the ones who take care of me as much as I do them, but i am beginning to hate those that don't. Those who don't need me and who i care more about then they care about me. It isn't fair. It isn't fair to my psyche.. most of all it is messing with the journey I need to find my passion, and my drive. So I am here today to tell you -- I have given up on all of you.. not you my loyal readers.. but the collective you of the useless bloodsuckers who use up everyone and spit them out when they don't need us anymore. I refuse to be trod upon and walked all over and I refuse to be drawn in.. I say this but I know that in less than 24 hours I will be drawn back into the web, drawn to the one person who has the power to destroy me.. only that isn;t exactly true.. but starting with that one person.. at this point it would take a few people to totally destroy me.. but still... I need to start making a point.. but it is soo very hard to do.. so very difficult and I dont know if i can.. I dont know if I can cut that tie.. because that tie represents a lot to me.. hopes dreams and passion.. misplaced passion and sacrifice.. but there nonetheless...
I miss you, come back to me please? I promise that whatever i did to make you this way.. I am sorry.. to you to me to everyone.. Just come back and I promise everything will be alright again...
*sigh* only that isn't right either..
On the search for things better left unsaid.. and for passion,
~Lish
The passion I am talking about is the thing that most people have a few are lucky to find in the journey we call life. I often wonder what my passion is, do i even have one or many as the case may be. What do I really want, what burns in my gut, what is filled with all my convictions? I have to say truthfully that I don't think that I even have any. What is it that makes my heart want to scream for joy and my gut feel like it is on air?
I look at some people around campus and I see some conieving bloodsuckers who trample on everyone to get what they want. Is this really passion? or is this cold blooded scheming to get what you think you deserve, but in fact is nothing even close to what you deserve because you have trampled the dreams and passions of others to get to where you are today. Did it ever occur to those people that by using everything and everyone to get to where they are, if they just used some compassion they would probably go farther and be able to look themselves in the mirror without the twinge of guilt. I have to assume that most people don't feel that guilt, and that they are probably sociopaths, but still. On a campus such as Waterloo with thousands of people there are bound to be those striving toward a goal. But there are also hundreds of students, like me ever searching for the one thing that would make them so excited that their hearts pound and their bodies get covered in sweat, the one thing they are dying to do that will for ever make them happy and feel satisfied.
I have wondered constantly if it is just me, why do i not know, why do i not feel, why do i not question or jump for joy. Why is it that even when given a second chance do i sit here the eve before a midterm and contemplate the meaning of life when I should be studying for all I am worth so that I can move towards my supposed passion. I think it is precisily because it is a supposed passion to begin with. How is it that I am supposed to be motivated when all i can think about is how the world has used me and my genuiness to get them places while I am still here?
And yet it continues, it continues this niceness and this trampling, while others are finding their passions. I am so jealous, I gotta admit. I have people surrounding me, people reading this or who will never read this but who should who have found their passions, religion, teaching, guitar, history, law, consulting, etc. But me, I am still here I am still contemplating me, contemplating life. I don't think i have ever been passionate about anything and that scares me, scares me to the bones. I find one thing and latch onto it, but deep in my heart what makes me me? what defines who I am, what actions and things create what makes up my heart and soul? to be honest I don't know, I have no idea who I really am.
A friend of mine told me today I needed to take a step back from a certain friend of mine and regain some perspective. I have lost my identity, my ability to bounce back from all situations. this friend is bringing me down, constantly to the point where I am questioning things more and more. This cycle always continuing. Me giving and giving and for a short period of time being given back, but after a while things start shifting, equations and equilibriums going unbalanced until it is me producing and producing but I am never being replenished until I become washed up and used and exhausted where no enzyme int eh world can help me lower my activation energy. I am exhausted of these relationships, of these constantly draining fluxing relationships. Why ever does it keep happening and why, when I know it is killing me do I keep coming back for more? until I am bled dry. Why does it take a moment where I get soo mad that I take it out on them forever changing the relationship. I did it once, and am better friends because of it, he appoligized for being an ass, but what happens with this other individual? What happens to me in the mean time?
I have come to realize that adoration isn't enough. I want an equal give and take friendship. I want exactly what I put into a friendship, if not more. I want to have everything. I want to feel, I want to breath, I want never to be emotionally exhausted by another individual. I want to be able to have passion, that all consuming, all encompassing feeling that I have found the thing that makes me me, that defines my very character, that creates happiness, so that I don't have to find that equal person in a friendship.
I want to be able to find that career path and that occupation that I cannot live without. But I want to do it in happiness not fear. I look at my Islam Professor and I see her passion, I see her love for life and I see that people like and respect her. I want that, I want her passion for something that I love. I want to have people respect me. I have come to see that while i have adoration, I don't have respect. Respect would mean that I would have equal relationships. Most of all I would like to be able to explain that I am who I am and have another be ok with it.
I don't know what I want and truely that is the root of the problem right there.. that is the reason I let people walk all over me, that is the reason I let others choose, that is the reason I am stuck in a friendship where I give more that I get and feel like I should be ok with it. Why is it that when you think you have found a person who you believe you can be yourself with, you have actually found a person who, when the goings get tough or weird, or annoying or frusterating or anything, turns tails and runs, but runs only far enough so that they can always come back when they need too???
I love my friends, the ones who take care of me as much as I do them, but i am beginning to hate those that don't. Those who don't need me and who i care more about then they care about me. It isn't fair. It isn't fair to my psyche.. most of all it is messing with the journey I need to find my passion, and my drive. So I am here today to tell you -- I have given up on all of you.. not you my loyal readers.. but the collective you of the useless bloodsuckers who use up everyone and spit them out when they don't need us anymore. I refuse to be trod upon and walked all over and I refuse to be drawn in.. I say this but I know that in less than 24 hours I will be drawn back into the web, drawn to the one person who has the power to destroy me.. only that isn;t exactly true.. but starting with that one person.. at this point it would take a few people to totally destroy me.. but still... I need to start making a point.. but it is soo very hard to do.. so very difficult and I dont know if i can.. I dont know if I can cut that tie.. because that tie represents a lot to me.. hopes dreams and passion.. misplaced passion and sacrifice.. but there nonetheless...
I miss you, come back to me please? I promise that whatever i did to make you this way.. I am sorry.. to you to me to everyone.. Just come back and I promise everything will be alright again...
*sigh* only that isn't right either..
On the search for things better left unsaid.. and for passion,
~Lish
posted by LP at 2:02 AM
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