Trust
Liars... I hate them passionately... Almost as much as I hate cheaters, but come to think of it that would make me a hypocrite. I mean come on.. Everyone at some point in their lives has lied or cheated once. It could have been a bad experience, or a good one.. The fact remains that whatever it is that you were protecting the world from was being protected by either the actions or the words you used to accomplish the goal.
On the whole I would have to say that I am an easy going person, I worry excessively.. But I mean common I am 'mother' personified (it would be wired, no?, if I didn't worry). I am also commissioned and I forgive people a little too easily and trust implicitly. I am also exceptionally naive...
These facts ultimately set me up to take rather large falls when I end up trusting the wrong people or having people lie and me accepting what they say. I have an inherent need to be wanted, to feel needed and for some reason people take advantage of that. Ok maybe the fault lies with me as well because I mean I have to be able to recognize the fact that it happens, and yet I still let it happen anyway. I mean take the one friend of mine. I have pretty much passed University for him. I mean without me I don't think he would even be getting his degree. And what pray tell did I do it for? For some reason most of the time I had this thinking, that it was a fair trade that some how for me to deserve a friend like him I needed to be the one who put all that effort into the relationship. I realize now that I was no better than a 50 cent whore.. You spend a little time with them, give them a small (read miniscule) token of your appreciation and then either pat them on their way or not and that is that, until the need that had you driving to the whore in the first place comes back, sometimes redoubled, or worse. It becomes and addiction that you can't break. Then again, look to the whore, he or she also becomes addicted to that lifestyle because without those 50 cents, meager though it may be, he or she wouldn't be able to support themselves otherwise, or so they think whether it be because of self-esteem issues or lack of skill. Either way, pretty soon the Whore is justifying the worlds response to him or herself and it becomes an addiction, just one more time becomes, not whispered, but ingrained in the narrow passages of what passes for a brain these days.
I know that sounds bitter, but that is what it is. Those people who use the whores are no better than liars, which brings me back to the original cause of setting me off. I hate them, I abhor them like nothing else especially when the lie or the cheat is directed at me. I guess I have a bit of that princess-ness stamped on my genes too, but it really rubs my craw to realize that some of the people you have given your trust too have taken it and squashed it between their fingers as if it ment nothing to them or to you. But let me tell you, it may appear as though I give my trust easily and without prior judgment, but I don't I consider it carefully. I have been hurt way too much in my life by friends who I thought were very good friends when they have decided to take what I have given them and squander it away as if it ment nothing to them.
Take this friend I have, This friend is, albeit a weird friend in that I never knew whether to trust him or not, but lately I feel like he is playing this game with me. A game of feel for me, and when you don't I will say or do something to get your attention, so that I can be the center of your universe because really I need all the attention I can get from everyone and everything. I don't know why, call it woman's intuition or something like that because I can't help but shake the fact that what it is that this person is going through is a hoax, it is something that Isn't really there and if it is then he is playing it up to me to keep me on my toes. It is getting tiring.. Most people don't realize that I worry.. So maybe I shouldn't. But I can't turn my back on the intrinsic good I have within me, if I do I would become a cynical person, and while I can be, I like to think that worry is a good thing. It implies caring and concern. Should I condemn my mother for wanting me to have these traits, should I become more like my sister?
Another friend of mine may have lied to me and I am not sure why. Again it is an instinct thing, why lie when I have proof that it isn't the case that was being sold to me?I know the reason that was told to me, but I have a conflicting report that what he said wasn't true. So who do I believe. Should I believe that my friend, who is a very good friend of mine, or should a believe the person who recently came into my life? It is all so confusing and then to think why should I not believe him, why should I question it? Is it because I feel as though lately I have been lied to more often than not? And so I just take everything I receive with a grain of salt? I don't like living this way, balancing and weighing everything that is said to me.
The main issue here is Trust. Do I trust that what is being told to me is a lie or not a lie, and if it is a lie, should I trust the lie or the person doing it? Is the lie there to protect me from something or is it there to harm me? Why was the lie necessary if feelings were never there to begin with? And if they were why should it matter why the lie was stated in the first place?
I may not have a lot of very close friends, but I do have a large network of friends who I know care about me simply because I have cared for them. Did it not occur to these people who lie, that eventually the lie would come full circle and get back to me with the other side of the lie? Like a coin, a head or a tail, both sides of the same lie, but different in the molds they were used. I hate two faced bastards... *sigh*
The thing I hate more than anything is that this experience has led me to believe that I have to question everything that has ever happened to me and every relationship that I have. I hate questioning, I hate not being able to trust those that I have chosen to trust. Why is it that there is no exhilar to help those who what to lie, not to lie?
It all boils down to Trust once again. We have to be able to trust that the people who are lying to us are doing it for a reason and that the lie they are telling us isn't important. But then the question remains, if we allow one lie, what is to stop another from being believed or being rationalized into being believed?
I think for the time being I will respect these individuals and believe that what they have told me is the truth and that what they haven't told me has a reason for being there. I am not sure one of them, if not both of them are lying, but I have a feeling one of them is, and I am not sure that this person realizes that things have a way of getting back to me. I may be green behind the ears, but I will blindly trust this person for the time being despite the fact that it hurts to think they had to lie to begin with. And that is something that I myself have to reconcile myself with...
The hurt and the fact that people like to take advantage of the fact that I never let on that it hurts, it hurts so bad that I don't know why I let it get to me.. Because ultimately I am on one side of a moat and they are on the other and I alone am responsible for lower that drawbridge to them. If for some reason I let them in only to find out that they have used me to lay seige to my castle, well I guess that is my fault for being gullible and naive, and their faults for being silver tongued assassins.
Ever pensive and disturbed by the human race,
~Lish
On the whole I would have to say that I am an easy going person, I worry excessively.. But I mean common I am 'mother' personified (it would be wired, no?, if I didn't worry). I am also commissioned and I forgive people a little too easily and trust implicitly. I am also exceptionally naive...
These facts ultimately set me up to take rather large falls when I end up trusting the wrong people or having people lie and me accepting what they say. I have an inherent need to be wanted, to feel needed and for some reason people take advantage of that. Ok maybe the fault lies with me as well because I mean I have to be able to recognize the fact that it happens, and yet I still let it happen anyway. I mean take the one friend of mine. I have pretty much passed University for him. I mean without me I don't think he would even be getting his degree. And what pray tell did I do it for? For some reason most of the time I had this thinking, that it was a fair trade that some how for me to deserve a friend like him I needed to be the one who put all that effort into the relationship. I realize now that I was no better than a 50 cent whore.. You spend a little time with them, give them a small (read miniscule) token of your appreciation and then either pat them on their way or not and that is that, until the need that had you driving to the whore in the first place comes back, sometimes redoubled, or worse. It becomes and addiction that you can't break. Then again, look to the whore, he or she also becomes addicted to that lifestyle because without those 50 cents, meager though it may be, he or she wouldn't be able to support themselves otherwise, or so they think whether it be because of self-esteem issues or lack of skill. Either way, pretty soon the Whore is justifying the worlds response to him or herself and it becomes an addiction, just one more time becomes, not whispered, but ingrained in the narrow passages of what passes for a brain these days.
I know that sounds bitter, but that is what it is. Those people who use the whores are no better than liars, which brings me back to the original cause of setting me off. I hate them, I abhor them like nothing else especially when the lie or the cheat is directed at me. I guess I have a bit of that princess-ness stamped on my genes too, but it really rubs my craw to realize that some of the people you have given your trust too have taken it and squashed it between their fingers as if it ment nothing to them or to you. But let me tell you, it may appear as though I give my trust easily and without prior judgment, but I don't I consider it carefully. I have been hurt way too much in my life by friends who I thought were very good friends when they have decided to take what I have given them and squander it away as if it ment nothing to them.
Take this friend I have, This friend is, albeit a weird friend in that I never knew whether to trust him or not, but lately I feel like he is playing this game with me. A game of feel for me, and when you don't I will say or do something to get your attention, so that I can be the center of your universe because really I need all the attention I can get from everyone and everything. I don't know why, call it woman's intuition or something like that because I can't help but shake the fact that what it is that this person is going through is a hoax, it is something that Isn't really there and if it is then he is playing it up to me to keep me on my toes. It is getting tiring.. Most people don't realize that I worry.. So maybe I shouldn't. But I can't turn my back on the intrinsic good I have within me, if I do I would become a cynical person, and while I can be, I like to think that worry is a good thing. It implies caring and concern. Should I condemn my mother for wanting me to have these traits, should I become more like my sister?
Another friend of mine may have lied to me and I am not sure why. Again it is an instinct thing, why lie when I have proof that it isn't the case that was being sold to me?I know the reason that was told to me, but I have a conflicting report that what he said wasn't true. So who do I believe. Should I believe that my friend, who is a very good friend of mine, or should a believe the person who recently came into my life? It is all so confusing and then to think why should I not believe him, why should I question it? Is it because I feel as though lately I have been lied to more often than not? And so I just take everything I receive with a grain of salt? I don't like living this way, balancing and weighing everything that is said to me.
The main issue here is Trust. Do I trust that what is being told to me is a lie or not a lie, and if it is a lie, should I trust the lie or the person doing it? Is the lie there to protect me from something or is it there to harm me? Why was the lie necessary if feelings were never there to begin with? And if they were why should it matter why the lie was stated in the first place?
I may not have a lot of very close friends, but I do have a large network of friends who I know care about me simply because I have cared for them. Did it not occur to these people who lie, that eventually the lie would come full circle and get back to me with the other side of the lie? Like a coin, a head or a tail, both sides of the same lie, but different in the molds they were used. I hate two faced bastards... *sigh*
The thing I hate more than anything is that this experience has led me to believe that I have to question everything that has ever happened to me and every relationship that I have. I hate questioning, I hate not being able to trust those that I have chosen to trust. Why is it that there is no exhilar to help those who what to lie, not to lie?
It all boils down to Trust once again. We have to be able to trust that the people who are lying to us are doing it for a reason and that the lie they are telling us isn't important. But then the question remains, if we allow one lie, what is to stop another from being believed or being rationalized into being believed?
I think for the time being I will respect these individuals and believe that what they have told me is the truth and that what they haven't told me has a reason for being there. I am not sure one of them, if not both of them are lying, but I have a feeling one of them is, and I am not sure that this person realizes that things have a way of getting back to me. I may be green behind the ears, but I will blindly trust this person for the time being despite the fact that it hurts to think they had to lie to begin with. And that is something that I myself have to reconcile myself with...
The hurt and the fact that people like to take advantage of the fact that I never let on that it hurts, it hurts so bad that I don't know why I let it get to me.. Because ultimately I am on one side of a moat and they are on the other and I alone am responsible for lower that drawbridge to them. If for some reason I let them in only to find out that they have used me to lay seige to my castle, well I guess that is my fault for being gullible and naive, and their faults for being silver tongued assassins.
Ever pensive and disturbed by the human race,
~Lish
posted by LP at 7:40 PM
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