Tease
So I started this blog with so much to say and now I don't know where to start, what is the most important thing or what it was even that I wanted to say... I guess you could say I am a beginning whore...
I start things and never finish, a tease if you will... only in the sense that a teaser is given, enough to whet your appetite, but not enough to finish the whole story. I was reminded and demonstrated to, today in fact about my tendency to do this... and all I can say is I am sorry... sorry for doing it to people. The fault actually lies with me and it is the very fact that I speak before I think that gets me into this very predicament. I say something and yet I can finish it either because of the people there, or the situation, or what not. I am not naturally an open speaker about things close to my heart, talking to me about things of astronomical importance or of value, is like pulling hens teeth.
My parents get annoyed with it, and I tend to annoy friends with it too, and for that I am truly sorry. And truly sorry for brining up today, what I brought up... *sigh* I am the Queen of awkward situations... No wonder I was a loner most of my life.
I guess I’ll start at the beginning and maybe work my way through the number of things taking up space and clutter in my sluggishly slow brain.
I have to say I love my RS class... Meena is the most wonderful woman in the world and her class is so much fun... partly I think because I had Karim in my group who is the most intelligent person that I happen to know... in the sense that he articulates so well and knows so much.. All I can say is wow! hahaha Anyway, he was the reason our group did so well and that we had soo much fun.. So thanks... Getting back to the class... it is my favorite... and not because there are discussions or Meena, simply because it is an atmosphere of complete knowledge, from very little, to a lot, from one subject to another... these people are really the best of the best, who recognize that knowledge is a gift with which can only grow and expand and whom are hungry for more in whatever form they can get it.. And to be there is truly awe inspiring... not to mention humbling.
I also have a rather large gross actually stack of plates in my room, which I really have to clean (again)... ya I know... oye vay... I really have to work at this "do it now so it doesn't pile up" theory... I think there may actually be some truth to it... who knows *shrug*.
Have you ever wondered about friendships and where they lead and how you got to a certain place with certain people? I have this wonderful friend, I mean really truly wonderful, who went from being this total asswipe, to being the kind of person I can actually rely on to get things done for me. I guess this seems kind of random, and really it is, but he just called me and is really doing me a large favor and I think I might actually owe him for this favor... but the fact that he called me back and said yes blows my mind. I mean this coming from a guy I can now talk to about anything, and he can talk to me about anything and does it totally amazing to me... really and truly... I am amazed... Haha. That is not to say all of you are not important or I can't rely on you and what not, I can and I do and I appreciate you guys more than you will ever know, awkward moments and all :).
This reminds me about how much work I have to do... I mean I am buried in it... From applications which are due Monday, to first drafts of research project due, to everything... I am going insane... literally going insane... And so afraid... that it won’t get done, that I’ll disappoint, others as well as myself... God this is getting insane...
And to think I actually signed up for this....
Life is so complicating you know, one moment things are great and the next something happens, and the first couple times you maybe ignore it, but after a while it is right up there in your face and your are faced with decisions, decisions that may ultimately change your view and your life as you know it... like major life altering decisions. Their outcomes impact your life either in a positive or negative way, unless of course you get caught in the crosshairs in which case life as you know it is not there anymore. I am afraid about that... like crawl under the bed and then jump into the closet, only to realize there are monsters everywhere and your aren't safe... Kind of afraid. Things are about to change in a drastic way... and really I have expected them too and expected this decision for a while, but still when it came, it was hard, it still is hard and I don't know what to do about it. I have tried to sort through it, but I can't and I have a feeling the outcome is going to be nasty.
Suddenly my future doesn’t seem protected, it is totally blown open… I am faced with this question of, what the hell do I do next? And the genuine answer is I don’t know. I have some ideas, but then what to do with them? How do I get from here to there with the least number of scraps and bruises on my emotions? I am an emotional person only in the sense that I can’t handle them, in myself or others. I feel pain, everyone’s as my own… Haha... I mean I love it, I guess that makes me masochistic, but in the sense that I can do something about it for others; I can be that objective person. Except that it doesn’t work when it is you and you are the one telling yourself or experiencing things. My parents get so frustrated with me because I can’t talk to them about important things because I can’t handle it... it freaks me out... Decisions! Like what the hell man! Haha... Sorry... but it is true nonetheless.
Like I said earlier a tease... that is what it is, what classifies me… *sigh*
I am also helping with EOT... and I have to say it is going to be good... like really good… and you will all be excited about it... I know I am... and no one is going to pull details out of me... because really, this deserves to be kept until it is revealed… so inshallah you will all come and party and be marry… after all, who isn’t up for a night of good clean partying… I have to say though that this is going to add to my stress level... but oh well…
It is actually kind of funny… well not really, but in a perverted way I suppose… I was telling a friend of mine today that I have inherited two traits from another friend, a loss of memory and procrastination… (Any guesses on whom that could be??? A cookie to the winner!) I have lost motivation, and drive... I have none, I know I need to get things done, but it is like I don’t care, or want to care, that little voice in the back of my head who tells me I have to do things, isn’t there, or is un-blessedly quiet... Really I need him to jump up and make some noise, because really at the rate I am traveling, I will not intersect that plane at any kilometers/hour... Sorry lame attempt at math humor... I should really leave that to you guys! But seriously, I have to start getting into gear; I mean this is my life I am talking about, and really… I want it to be worth something to the guy who is going to marry me for my money and job... (Conceited? Ahh, yes thank you very much)
Argh! I think that my mind is scatter brained at the moment, and really… I can’t seem to keep a hold of any idea for longer than a second so this blog was probably a waste of time and effort, but t’was a blog nonetheless…
So good night everyone, and I shall try to do this better next time :(!
Your tease forever :),
Lish
I start things and never finish, a tease if you will... only in the sense that a teaser is given, enough to whet your appetite, but not enough to finish the whole story. I was reminded and demonstrated to, today in fact about my tendency to do this... and all I can say is I am sorry... sorry for doing it to people. The fault actually lies with me and it is the very fact that I speak before I think that gets me into this very predicament. I say something and yet I can finish it either because of the people there, or the situation, or what not. I am not naturally an open speaker about things close to my heart, talking to me about things of astronomical importance or of value, is like pulling hens teeth.
My parents get annoyed with it, and I tend to annoy friends with it too, and for that I am truly sorry. And truly sorry for brining up today, what I brought up... *sigh* I am the Queen of awkward situations... No wonder I was a loner most of my life.
I guess I’ll start at the beginning and maybe work my way through the number of things taking up space and clutter in my sluggishly slow brain.
I have to say I love my RS class... Meena is the most wonderful woman in the world and her class is so much fun... partly I think because I had Karim in my group who is the most intelligent person that I happen to know... in the sense that he articulates so well and knows so much.. All I can say is wow! hahaha Anyway, he was the reason our group did so well and that we had soo much fun.. So thanks... Getting back to the class... it is my favorite... and not because there are discussions or Meena, simply because it is an atmosphere of complete knowledge, from very little, to a lot, from one subject to another... these people are really the best of the best, who recognize that knowledge is a gift with which can only grow and expand and whom are hungry for more in whatever form they can get it.. And to be there is truly awe inspiring... not to mention humbling.
I also have a rather large gross actually stack of plates in my room, which I really have to clean (again)... ya I know... oye vay... I really have to work at this "do it now so it doesn't pile up" theory... I think there may actually be some truth to it... who knows *shrug*.
Have you ever wondered about friendships and where they lead and how you got to a certain place with certain people? I have this wonderful friend, I mean really truly wonderful, who went from being this total asswipe, to being the kind of person I can actually rely on to get things done for me. I guess this seems kind of random, and really it is, but he just called me and is really doing me a large favor and I think I might actually owe him for this favor... but the fact that he called me back and said yes blows my mind. I mean this coming from a guy I can now talk to about anything, and he can talk to me about anything and does it totally amazing to me... really and truly... I am amazed... Haha. That is not to say all of you are not important or I can't rely on you and what not, I can and I do and I appreciate you guys more than you will ever know, awkward moments and all :).
This reminds me about how much work I have to do... I mean I am buried in it... From applications which are due Monday, to first drafts of research project due, to everything... I am going insane... literally going insane... And so afraid... that it won’t get done, that I’ll disappoint, others as well as myself... God this is getting insane...
And to think I actually signed up for this....
Life is so complicating you know, one moment things are great and the next something happens, and the first couple times you maybe ignore it, but after a while it is right up there in your face and your are faced with decisions, decisions that may ultimately change your view and your life as you know it... like major life altering decisions. Their outcomes impact your life either in a positive or negative way, unless of course you get caught in the crosshairs in which case life as you know it is not there anymore. I am afraid about that... like crawl under the bed and then jump into the closet, only to realize there are monsters everywhere and your aren't safe... Kind of afraid. Things are about to change in a drastic way... and really I have expected them too and expected this decision for a while, but still when it came, it was hard, it still is hard and I don't know what to do about it. I have tried to sort through it, but I can't and I have a feeling the outcome is going to be nasty.
Suddenly my future doesn’t seem protected, it is totally blown open… I am faced with this question of, what the hell do I do next? And the genuine answer is I don’t know. I have some ideas, but then what to do with them? How do I get from here to there with the least number of scraps and bruises on my emotions? I am an emotional person only in the sense that I can’t handle them, in myself or others. I feel pain, everyone’s as my own… Haha... I mean I love it, I guess that makes me masochistic, but in the sense that I can do something about it for others; I can be that objective person. Except that it doesn’t work when it is you and you are the one telling yourself or experiencing things. My parents get so frustrated with me because I can’t talk to them about important things because I can’t handle it... it freaks me out... Decisions! Like what the hell man! Haha... Sorry... but it is true nonetheless.
Like I said earlier a tease... that is what it is, what classifies me… *sigh*
I am also helping with EOT... and I have to say it is going to be good... like really good… and you will all be excited about it... I know I am... and no one is going to pull details out of me... because really, this deserves to be kept until it is revealed… so inshallah you will all come and party and be marry… after all, who isn’t up for a night of good clean partying… I have to say though that this is going to add to my stress level... but oh well…
It is actually kind of funny… well not really, but in a perverted way I suppose… I was telling a friend of mine today that I have inherited two traits from another friend, a loss of memory and procrastination… (Any guesses on whom that could be??? A cookie to the winner!) I have lost motivation, and drive... I have none, I know I need to get things done, but it is like I don’t care, or want to care, that little voice in the back of my head who tells me I have to do things, isn’t there, or is un-blessedly quiet... Really I need him to jump up and make some noise, because really at the rate I am traveling, I will not intersect that plane at any kilometers/hour... Sorry lame attempt at math humor... I should really leave that to you guys! But seriously, I have to start getting into gear; I mean this is my life I am talking about, and really… I want it to be worth something to the guy who is going to marry me for my money and job... (Conceited? Ahh, yes thank you very much)
Argh! I think that my mind is scatter brained at the moment, and really… I can’t seem to keep a hold of any idea for longer than a second so this blog was probably a waste of time and effort, but t’was a blog nonetheless…
So good night everyone, and I shall try to do this better next time :(!
Your tease forever :),
Lish
posted by LP at 11:18 PM
1 Comments:
Ooh, I know who it is...where's my cookie?
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