Misplaced

There is soo much going on right now.. soo soo much, and I think it is consuming me. I have lost track of my priorities and have started making other things my priorities... Misplaced I guess you could call it. I feel misplaced in life. Let me share some of what is going on...

Right now I am dealing with a dilemma, a dilemma of massive proportions.. so huge that I am hanging in the balance, waititng for the verdict, waiting for the other shoe to drop and tell me what the next 6 months of my life are gonna be like, Hell with a bit of heaven on the other side, or just hell.. Either way, there is going to be a lot of hard work ahead, work that none of us want to do or want to contemplate, but nontheless very important, back breaking labor that is absolutly necessary and vital for us all to heal.

I guess that is a good way to describe it.. I feel raw.. totally utterly raw.. like remember back to the good old days when people were lashed by a whip and then salt water was poured onto them... that is what I feel like. It burns and stings like the holy mother of god, but there is virtually nothing I can do about it to make myself feel better, no icepack big enough, or tylenol strong enough...

I hate it, I feel like at any moment I could fly off the handle, constantly checking, constantly making sure that nothing leaks through, nothing gets out, because if it does, there is no holding back, and I dunno what is worse, the fact that I am afraid of what will happen if I do, or what will happen if I don't?

Now I know all of you are there for me and I love that and appreciate it, but how do I explain that my world has fallen apart? How can you help me feel better? I hate it, this helpless feeling in the pit of my stomach that things are gonna get much worse before they get better, that things are only just beginning and can I tell you how much I am petrified about it?

I have all of you wonderful people to take care of me, and i think I realized it this weekend, when I was forced to take a nap for fear I would blow up. You guys genuinely care, and I appreciate it soo much. I haven't ever had anything like that before, people who unconditionally care about me and what I am going through, and for a change it is nice to be the child in the relationshop and be taken care of by others like I take care of everyone else. Momma needs her batteries charged.

I had a wonderful person come into my life, in much the same manner as the best person in my life. And he has made me realize that I do too much. I offer and just give and give. I am burnt out right now. With all the other things on my mind, I can't handle the stress of being alone. I feel like if I am alone I will break, I will fall apart and be washed in a barrel of despair, over what could have been and what should have been.

I am so exhausted too. I haven't been sleeping or eating well and it is wreaking havoc with my system.. it is horrible.. but I am trying to get it back on track, key word trying.

So I guess the point of this long run on sentence that has become my blog, I wanted to apologize for not being me and for being absorbed into other things. You guys mean so much to me and know me so well, almost better than I know myself.

Love,
Lish