Misplaced

There is soo much going on right now.. soo soo much, and I think it is consuming me. I have lost track of my priorities and have started making other things my priorities... Misplaced I guess you could call it. I feel misplaced in life. Let me share some of what is going on...

Right now I am dealing with a dilemma, a dilemma of massive proportions.. so huge that I am hanging in the balance, waititng for the verdict, waiting for the other shoe to drop and tell me what the next 6 months of my life are gonna be like, Hell with a bit of heaven on the other side, or just hell.. Either way, there is going to be a lot of hard work ahead, work that none of us want to do or want to contemplate, but nontheless very important, back breaking labor that is absolutly necessary and vital for us all to heal.

I guess that is a good way to describe it.. I feel raw.. totally utterly raw.. like remember back to the good old days when people were lashed by a whip and then salt water was poured onto them... that is what I feel like. It burns and stings like the holy mother of god, but there is virtually nothing I can do about it to make myself feel better, no icepack big enough, or tylenol strong enough...

I hate it, I feel like at any moment I could fly off the handle, constantly checking, constantly making sure that nothing leaks through, nothing gets out, because if it does, there is no holding back, and I dunno what is worse, the fact that I am afraid of what will happen if I do, or what will happen if I don't?

Now I know all of you are there for me and I love that and appreciate it, but how do I explain that my world has fallen apart? How can you help me feel better? I hate it, this helpless feeling in the pit of my stomach that things are gonna get much worse before they get better, that things are only just beginning and can I tell you how much I am petrified about it?

I have all of you wonderful people to take care of me, and i think I realized it this weekend, when I was forced to take a nap for fear I would blow up. You guys genuinely care, and I appreciate it soo much. I haven't ever had anything like that before, people who unconditionally care about me and what I am going through, and for a change it is nice to be the child in the relationshop and be taken care of by others like I take care of everyone else. Momma needs her batteries charged.

I had a wonderful person come into my life, in much the same manner as the best person in my life. And he has made me realize that I do too much. I offer and just give and give. I am burnt out right now. With all the other things on my mind, I can't handle the stress of being alone. I feel like if I am alone I will break, I will fall apart and be washed in a barrel of despair, over what could have been and what should have been.

I am so exhausted too. I haven't been sleeping or eating well and it is wreaking havoc with my system.. it is horrible.. but I am trying to get it back on track, key word trying.

So I guess the point of this long run on sentence that has become my blog, I wanted to apologize for not being me and for being absorbed into other things. You guys mean so much to me and know me so well, almost better than I know myself.

Love,
Lish

Tease

So I started this blog with so much to say and now I don't know where to start, what is the most important thing or what it was even that I wanted to say... I guess you could say I am a beginning whore...

I start things and never finish, a tease if you will... only in the sense that a teaser is given, enough to whet your appetite, but not enough to finish the whole story. I was reminded and demonstrated to, today in fact about my tendency to do this... and all I can say is I am sorry... sorry for doing it to people. The fault actually lies with me and it is the very fact that I speak before I think that gets me into this very predicament. I say something and yet I can finish it either because of the people there, or the situation, or what not. I am not naturally an open speaker about things close to my heart, talking to me about things of astronomical importance or of value, is like pulling hens teeth.

My parents get annoyed with it, and I tend to annoy friends with it too, and for that I am truly sorry. And truly sorry for brining up today, what I brought up... *sigh* I am the Queen of awkward situations... No wonder I was a loner most of my life.

I guess I’ll start at the beginning and maybe work my way through the number of things taking up space and clutter in my sluggishly slow brain.

I have to say I love my RS class... Meena is the most wonderful woman in the world and her class is so much fun... partly I think because I had Karim in my group who is the most intelligent person that I happen to know... in the sense that he articulates so well and knows so much.. All I can say is wow! hahaha Anyway, he was the reason our group did so well and that we had soo much fun.. So thanks... Getting back to the class... it is my favorite... and not because there are discussions or Meena, simply because it is an atmosphere of complete knowledge, from very little, to a lot, from one subject to another... these people are really the best of the best, who recognize that knowledge is a gift with which can only grow and expand and whom are hungry for more in whatever form they can get it.. And to be there is truly awe inspiring... not to mention humbling.

I also have a rather large gross actually stack of plates in my room, which I really have to clean (again)... ya I know... oye vay... I really have to work at this "do it now so it doesn't pile up" theory... I think there may actually be some truth to it... who knows *shrug*.

Have you ever wondered about friendships and where they lead and how you got to a certain place with certain people? I have this wonderful friend, I mean really truly wonderful, who went from being this total asswipe, to being the kind of person I can actually rely on to get things done for me. I guess this seems kind of random, and really it is, but he just called me and is really doing me a large favor and I think I might actually owe him for this favor... but the fact that he called me back and said yes blows my mind. I mean this coming from a guy I can now talk to about anything, and he can talk to me about anything and does it totally amazing to me... really and truly... I am amazed... Haha. That is not to say all of you are not important or I can't rely on you and what not, I can and I do and I appreciate you guys more than you will ever know, awkward moments and all :).

This reminds me about how much work I have to do... I mean I am buried in it... From applications which are due Monday, to first drafts of research project due, to everything... I am going insane... literally going insane... And so afraid... that it won’t get done, that I’ll disappoint, others as well as myself... God this is getting insane...

And to think I actually signed up for this....

Life is so complicating you know, one moment things are great and the next something happens, and the first couple times you maybe ignore it, but after a while it is right up there in your face and your are faced with decisions, decisions that may ultimately change your view and your life as you know it... like major life altering decisions. Their outcomes impact your life either in a positive or negative way, unless of course you get caught in the crosshairs in which case life as you know it is not there anymore. I am afraid about that... like crawl under the bed and then jump into the closet, only to realize there are monsters everywhere and your aren't safe... Kind of afraid. Things are about to change in a drastic way... and really I have expected them too and expected this decision for a while, but still when it came, it was hard, it still is hard and I don't know what to do about it. I have tried to sort through it, but I can't and I have a feeling the outcome is going to be nasty.

Suddenly my future doesn’t seem protected, it is totally blown open… I am faced with this question of, what the hell do I do next? And the genuine answer is I don’t know. I have some ideas, but then what to do with them? How do I get from here to there with the least number of scraps and bruises on my emotions? I am an emotional person only in the sense that I can’t handle them, in myself or others. I feel pain, everyone’s as my own… Haha... I mean I love it, I guess that makes me masochistic, but in the sense that I can do something about it for others; I can be that objective person. Except that it doesn’t work when it is you and you are the one telling yourself or experiencing things. My parents get so frustrated with me because I can’t talk to them about important things because I can’t handle it... it freaks me out... Decisions! Like what the hell man! Haha... Sorry... but it is true nonetheless.

Like I said earlier a tease... that is what it is, what classifies me… *sigh*


I am also helping with EOT... and I have to say it is going to be good... like really good… and you will all be excited about it... I know I am... and no one is going to pull details out of me... because really, this deserves to be kept until it is revealed… so inshallah you will all come and party and be marry… after all, who isn’t up for a night of good clean partying… I have to say though that this is going to add to my stress level... but oh well…

It is actually kind of funny… well not really, but in a perverted way I suppose… I was telling a friend of mine today that I have inherited two traits from another friend, a loss of memory and procrastination… (Any guesses on whom that could be??? A cookie to the winner!) I have lost motivation, and drive... I have none, I know I need to get things done, but it is like I don’t care, or want to care, that little voice in the back of my head who tells me I have to do things, isn’t there, or is un-blessedly quiet... Really I need him to jump up and make some noise, because really at the rate I am traveling, I will not intersect that plane at any kilometers/hour... Sorry lame attempt at math humor... I should really leave that to you guys! But seriously, I have to start getting into gear; I mean this is my life I am talking about, and really… I want it to be worth something to the guy who is going to marry me for my money and job... (Conceited? Ahh, yes thank you very much)

Argh! I think that my mind is scatter brained at the moment, and really… I can’t seem to keep a hold of any idea for longer than a second so this blog was probably a waste of time and effort, but t’was a blog nonetheless…

So good night everyone, and I shall try to do this better next time :(!

Your tease forever :),
Lish

Trust

Liars... I hate them passionately... Almost as much as I hate cheaters, but come to think of it that would make me a hypocrite. I mean come on.. Everyone at some point in their lives has lied or cheated once. It could have been a bad experience, or a good one.. The fact remains that whatever it is that you were protecting the world from was being protected by either the actions or the words you used to accomplish the goal.

On the whole I would have to say that I am an easy going person, I worry excessively.. But I mean common I am 'mother' personified (it would be wired, no?, if I didn't worry). I am also commissioned and I forgive people a little too easily and trust implicitly. I am also exceptionally naive...

These facts ultimately set me up to take rather large falls when I end up trusting the wrong people or having people lie and me accepting what they say. I have an inherent need to be wanted, to feel needed and for some reason people take advantage of that. Ok maybe the fault lies with me as well because I mean I have to be able to recognize the fact that it happens, and yet I still let it happen anyway. I mean take the one friend of mine. I have pretty much passed University for him. I mean without me I don't think he would even be getting his degree. And what pray tell did I do it for? For some reason most of the time I had this thinking, that it was a fair trade that some how for me to deserve a friend like him I needed to be the one who put all that effort into the relationship. I realize now that I was no better than a 50 cent whore.. You spend a little time with them, give them a small (read miniscule) token of your appreciation and then either pat them on their way or not and that is that, until the need that had you driving to the whore in the first place comes back, sometimes redoubled, or worse. It becomes and addiction that you can't break. Then again, look to the whore, he or she also becomes addicted to that lifestyle because without those 50 cents, meager though it may be, he or she wouldn't be able to support themselves otherwise, or so they think whether it be because of self-esteem issues or lack of skill. Either way, pretty soon the Whore is justifying the worlds response to him or herself and it becomes an addiction, just one more time becomes, not whispered, but ingrained in the narrow passages of what passes for a brain these days.

I know that sounds bitter, but that is what it is. Those people who use the whores are no better than liars, which brings me back to the original cause of setting me off. I hate them, I abhor them like nothing else especially when the lie or the cheat is directed at me. I guess I have a bit of that princess-ness stamped on my genes too, but it really rubs my craw to realize that some of the people you have given your trust too have taken it and squashed it between their fingers as if it ment nothing to them or to you. But let me tell you, it may appear as though I give my trust easily and without prior judgment, but I don't I consider it carefully. I have been hurt way too much in my life by friends who I thought were very good friends when they have decided to take what I have given them and squander it away as if it ment nothing to them.

Take this friend I have, This friend is, albeit a weird friend in that I never knew whether to trust him or not, but lately I feel like he is playing this game with me. A game of feel for me, and when you don't I will say or do something to get your attention, so that I can be the center of your universe because really I need all the attention I can get from everyone and everything. I don't know why, call it woman's intuition or something like that because I can't help but shake the fact that what it is that this person is going through is a hoax, it is something that Isn't really there and if it is then he is playing it up to me to keep me on my toes. It is getting tiring.. Most people don't realize that I worry.. So maybe I shouldn't. But I can't turn my back on the intrinsic good I have within me, if I do I would become a cynical person, and while I can be, I like to think that worry is a good thing. It implies caring and concern. Should I condemn my mother for wanting me to have these traits, should I become more like my sister?

Another friend of mine may have lied to me and I am not sure why. Again it is an instinct thing, why lie when I have proof that it isn't the case that was being sold to me?I know the reason that was told to me, but I have a conflicting report that what he said wasn't true. So who do I believe. Should I believe that my friend, who is a very good friend of mine, or should a believe the person who recently came into my life? It is all so confusing and then to think why should I not believe him, why should I question it? Is it because I feel as though lately I have been lied to more often than not? And so I just take everything I receive with a grain of salt? I don't like living this way, balancing and weighing everything that is said to me.

The main issue here is Trust. Do I trust that what is being told to me is a lie or not a lie, and if it is a lie, should I trust the lie or the person doing it? Is the lie there to protect me from something or is it there to harm me? Why was the lie necessary if feelings were never there to begin with? And if they were why should it matter why the lie was stated in the first place?

I may not have a lot of very close friends, but I do have a large network of friends who I know care about me simply because I have cared for them. Did it not occur to these people who lie, that eventually the lie would come full circle and get back to me with the other side of the lie? Like a coin, a head or a tail, both sides of the same lie, but different in the molds they were used. I hate two faced bastards... *sigh*

The thing I hate more than anything is that this experience has led me to believe that I have to question everything that has ever happened to me and every relationship that I have. I hate questioning, I hate not being able to trust those that I have chosen to trust. Why is it that there is no exhilar to help those who what to lie, not to lie?

It all boils down to Trust once again. We have to be able to trust that the people who are lying to us are doing it for a reason and that the lie they are telling us isn't important. But then the question remains, if we allow one lie, what is to stop another from being believed or being rationalized into being believed?

I think for the time being I will respect these individuals and believe that what they have told me is the truth and that what they haven't told me has a reason for being there. I am not sure one of them, if not both of them are lying, but I have a feeling one of them is, and I am not sure that this person realizes that things have a way of getting back to me. I may be green behind the ears, but I will blindly trust this person for the time being despite the fact that it hurts to think they had to lie to begin with. And that is something that I myself have to reconcile myself with...

The hurt and the fact that people like to take advantage of the fact that I never let on that it hurts, it hurts so bad that I don't know why I let it get to me.. Because ultimately I am on one side of a moat and they are on the other and I alone am responsible for lower that drawbridge to them. If for some reason I let them in only to find out that they have used me to lay seige to my castle, well I guess that is my fault for being gullible and naive, and their faults for being silver tongued assassins.

Ever pensive and disturbed by the human race,
~Lish

Passion

I have always wondered about passion, and I am not talking about the oohhh ahhh more baby more kind of sexual gratification, but about the personal drive and the goal setting that gets most people through the years and keeps them mentally safe at night knowing that they are doing everything they love.

The passion I am talking about is the thing that most people have a few are lucky to find in the journey we call life. I often wonder what my passion is, do i even have one or many as the case may be. What do I really want, what burns in my gut, what is filled with all my convictions? I have to say truthfully that I don't think that I even have any. What is it that makes my heart want to scream for joy and my gut feel like it is on air?

I look at some people around campus and I see some conieving bloodsuckers who trample on everyone to get what they want. Is this really passion? or is this cold blooded scheming to get what you think you deserve, but in fact is nothing even close to what you deserve because you have trampled the dreams and passions of others to get to where you are today. Did it ever occur to those people that by using everything and everyone to get to where they are, if they just used some compassion they would probably go farther and be able to look themselves in the mirror without the twinge of guilt. I have to assume that most people don't feel that guilt, and that they are probably sociopaths, but still. On a campus such as Waterloo with thousands of people there are bound to be those striving toward a goal. But there are also hundreds of students, like me ever searching for the one thing that would make them so excited that their hearts pound and their bodies get covered in sweat, the one thing they are dying to do that will for ever make them happy and feel satisfied.

I have wondered constantly if it is just me, why do i not know, why do i not feel, why do i not question or jump for joy. Why is it that even when given a second chance do i sit here the eve before a midterm and contemplate the meaning of life when I should be studying for all I am worth so that I can move towards my supposed passion. I think it is precisily because it is a supposed passion to begin with. How is it that I am supposed to be motivated when all i can think about is how the world has used me and my genuiness to get them places while I am still here?

And yet it continues, it continues this niceness and this trampling, while others are finding their passions. I am so jealous, I gotta admit. I have people surrounding me, people reading this or who will never read this but who should who have found their passions, religion, teaching, guitar, history, law, consulting, etc. But me, I am still here I am still contemplating me, contemplating life. I don't think i have ever been passionate about anything and that scares me, scares me to the bones. I find one thing and latch onto it, but deep in my heart what makes me me? what defines who I am, what actions and things create what makes up my heart and soul? to be honest I don't know, I have no idea who I really am.

A friend of mine told me today I needed to take a step back from a certain friend of mine and regain some perspective. I have lost my identity, my ability to bounce back from all situations. this friend is bringing me down, constantly to the point where I am questioning things more and more. This cycle always continuing. Me giving and giving and for a short period of time being given back, but after a while things start shifting, equations and equilibriums going unbalanced until it is me producing and producing but I am never being replenished until I become washed up and used and exhausted where no enzyme int eh world can help me lower my activation energy. I am exhausted of these relationships, of these constantly draining fluxing relationships. Why ever does it keep happening and why, when I know it is killing me do I keep coming back for more? until I am bled dry. Why does it take a moment where I get soo mad that I take it out on them forever changing the relationship. I did it once, and am better friends because of it, he appoligized for being an ass, but what happens with this other individual? What happens to me in the mean time?

I have come to realize that adoration isn't enough. I want an equal give and take friendship. I want exactly what I put into a friendship, if not more. I want to have everything. I want to feel, I want to breath, I want never to be emotionally exhausted by another individual. I want to be able to have passion, that all consuming, all encompassing feeling that I have found the thing that makes me me, that defines my very character, that creates happiness, so that I don't have to find that equal person in a friendship.

I want to be able to find that career path and that occupation that I cannot live without. But I want to do it in happiness not fear. I look at my Islam Professor and I see her passion, I see her love for life and I see that people like and respect her. I want that, I want her passion for something that I love. I want to have people respect me. I have come to see that while i have adoration, I don't have respect. Respect would mean that I would have equal relationships. Most of all I would like to be able to explain that I am who I am and have another be ok with it.

I don't know what I want and truely that is the root of the problem right there.. that is the reason I let people walk all over me, that is the reason I let others choose, that is the reason I am stuck in a friendship where I give more that I get and feel like I should be ok with it. Why is it that when you think you have found a person who you believe you can be yourself with, you have actually found a person who, when the goings get tough or weird, or annoying or frusterating or anything, turns tails and runs, but runs only far enough so that they can always come back when they need too???

I love my friends, the ones who take care of me as much as I do them, but i am beginning to hate those that don't. Those who don't need me and who i care more about then they care about me. It isn't fair. It isn't fair to my psyche.. most of all it is messing with the journey I need to find my passion, and my drive. So I am here today to tell you -- I have given up on all of you.. not you my loyal readers.. but the collective you of the useless bloodsuckers who use up everyone and spit them out when they don't need us anymore. I refuse to be trod upon and walked all over and I refuse to be drawn in.. I say this but I know that in less than 24 hours I will be drawn back into the web, drawn to the one person who has the power to destroy me.. only that isn;t exactly true.. but starting with that one person.. at this point it would take a few people to totally destroy me.. but still... I need to start making a point.. but it is soo very hard to do.. so very difficult and I dont know if i can.. I dont know if I can cut that tie.. because that tie represents a lot to me.. hopes dreams and passion.. misplaced passion and sacrifice.. but there nonetheless...

I miss you, come back to me please? I promise that whatever i did to make you this way.. I am sorry.. to you to me to everyone.. Just come back and I promise everything will be alright again...

*sigh* only that isn't right either..

On the search for things better left unsaid.. and for passion,

~Lish

So Lonley

I haven't posted in a while, and really i can't blame it on anyone but myself. So many things have happened since the last post and so many things haven't happened.

Let's start with the easy stuff shall we?
my 'w' keys sticks.. no idea why.. it is the most annoying thing ever. Like do you know how many times you actually use that key? not until you really have to keep pushing it, or re-reading your msn conversations and realize that you once again sent something without the W. Jeez.. I should probably get it fixed.. I think it is on the list of things i need to get done this semester.. damn list is so long already.

My shower head broke the other day and I swear it wasn't me who broke it. It was a certain friend of mine who came and spent the night.. ya and i go into the bathroom when he is done and there is water everywhere.. and I am talking everywhere.. it took me 20 minutes to mop it all up.. so i had to go get a new one, and once i got a new one, upon installation, i put a hole in it.. a hole and freaking HOLE! I swear to god holes will be the bane of my existence.. so now i have to go and get another freaking head to put on my shower and hope to hell that this one doesn't get a hole.. damn blasted shower head's made out of plastic... no wonder there is a freaking hole!

Then to top it off on that same fatefull day, i baked a chessecake (which by the way is soo yummy) and it cracked.. like totally cracked like there is a piece in the middle that is Medina and there is a trench around it like in the battle of the trench (sorry Islam midterm the other day), nevertheless, i cannot salvage it enough to serve to my beloved Islam professor when she comes for dinner. Are you kidding me?? So i made a new one the next day which also cracked, only this one is salvageable and I plan on serving it with strawberries, powdered sugar and shaved white chocolate... mmmmm... it will look good ( you gotta say that in the Joey voice.. it is so resonating in my mind at the momen, but i digress)

I had a conversation the other day with a friend of mine who says he can not talk to me anymore, because it is weird. Weird how, I mean ya certain dynamics change, things change all the time, but that doesn't mean that you still can't tell me things. I dunno it is frusterating to me. I don't know how to explain that things have changed, but they haven't, and while some for the better and some for the worst, well I still enjoy listening and it really won't bother me no matter what he has to tell me. I guess it goes both ways too.. there are things i have purposly not told him because i think it would be to weird, or that I feel like it would be misconstrude.. you think this is why most guys and girls can't be friends??? I find it odd too that i have more guy friends then girl friends and yet i have better relationships with the men in my life. While pushing one person away another moves closer and then moves away again. Relationships constantly in flux, and yet, for the sake of argument, could you imagine if relationships never change? would they get stagnant? after a while an equation will reach equilibrium, but depending on certain factors that equation can change, it is le chatilier's principle, so the principle notwithstanding, if that equation were to remain in equilibrium until the day of judgment, that would suck. What if there were things (maybe even living things) that depended on the fact that that equation shouldn't stay in equilibrium (equilibrium being a state where there is no change). I mean the whole of that society that depended on it would perish! *sigh* again I digress... So this friend, I want our comradrie back, I want to forget the past, but i doubt that is even possible, and yet i am afraid that this friendship will in the end vanish because for some reason i think that it was never ok after that. Could just be me though or could be the fact that i have a physics midterm tomorrow and I am just thinking about the end of the world. I mean on one hand I have a friend who won't tell me anything, and on the other I have a friend who tells me too much.. haha.. I guess i have my own equation going on that is constantly in flux.. It is ok I love them both, but i have come to realize that that friendships are all about you being happy for the state that your friend is in. And I am totally happy completely 100% happy for everyone.

I also had a friend who told me something back in May, something I was never allowed to ask questions about and that I was told would be told about it in September.. So september came and went and I still have no idea, and it has been killing me. I keep running things through my mind trying to figure it out, but i can't and I need help, because late at night when I want to sleep and I can't turn my mind off, I think about all the random useless crap in my mind and i eventually come back to that statment and all the questions.. So i think I need an answer and the answer that I have come to doesn't matter, and it constantly changes, but that is me and no matter how much i tell myself to be patient, I stil think about it and constantly change my mind about it... So really i have no answer except that I want an answer and I don't think i will ever get an answer until that friend is able to give me that answer, which will probably be when kingdom comes, knowing me and my ability to avoid confrontation at all cost even though it is killing me to want to know.. why i have no idea, I have no stake in it, and I don't even know why i keep thinking about it except that I am so damned curious about it and me being me I don't forget most things and this was, at that moment a pretty important thing too... Man oh man.

The other thing i realized was that I feel so alone. Don't get me wrong I have wonderful friends and children and grandchildren and weird stalker boys that creep me out, but still lots of people surrounding me, but at the same time I feel like one solitairy person in the middle of Times Square in New York during New years eve... a million people, but me just standing there and time constantly moving. I don't really know how to explain why other then I know i am loved by many, and I love them, but i don't have that one person to come home to, to share, to have to call my own.. haha I know that makes no sense so let me try again. I want a companion I guess. That one person who is a rock, an anchor that is forever with you always day, night, in your heart, and No it isn't the spiritual companion that I am looking for, my views on religion are odd, but not that, I am talking in a purely earthly sense about a live person, I guess you would classify it as a soul mate I guess anyway... So I feel lonely and that time is moving and yet i have stayed in the same place for so long that I feel like I am afraid, so very afraid that it may never happen, that I may never find this one person ment for me. And then I think but I am so young, I have to be able to find it and then I wonder if being afraid is making it harder to see and then I turn around and say but what if is doesn't and what if it does? What if is always the question that gets me and by that time I am so mentally exhausted that I think well fuck it... and then i get to a night like this, where I question everything and I don't know where I am in the overall universe or what is likely to happen because of my actions in the future.
I am that person, that person who believes that we alone create our own destiny. It is like the chaos theory. A butterfly flaps his wings in Mexico and there is a hurricane somewhere in Asia. that butterfly fully flapped his wings and that action caused an action to occur many thousands of miles away changing and gaining and twisting until it burst one day. I firmly believe that what we do today will lead us to the decisions we have to make tomorrow. Did I know i would get here today? No, but by applying to Waterloo, i have gotten to this point, I created that part of my future by getting here, I could have gone anywhere and yet I chose here.. there were very good reasons at the time, most of which i have forgotten, but if it weren't for that one tour guide who took the time and the paitence to take me around this campus, I would't be here today. We all have our reasons for things and our beliefs in certain things and places and people, I guess me procrastinating tonight is leading me to share some of these things with my dear readers, who have probably given up on me and my updating, but still.

So I haven't decided what I am going to do about this problem of feeling lonely in a large network of friends and family, nor what I am going to do about this friend who thinks things are weird. Do i tell him that I no longer have a stake in it? Do I tell him that no matter what the reaction that he thinks I am going to have won't happen? Do I tell him that I am emotionally exhausted and that I have given up? Not because things are weird, but because I have to focus on my future and I feel that I help contribute to him not focusing on his?

Most of all how do i erase the guilt that is eating me from the inside out about choices and things that i have said to people that I wish I never did, or that were said for the totally opposite reasons when things at the time felt like they were totally out of control and I grabbed onto the only thing I felt was stable at the time. Constantly this guilt hammers me and keeps me awake at night, and yet i shoudln't feel guilty about anything. I sometimes feel as though I carry the weight of the world, I make peoples problems my own, and I love that people come to me with their problems, and I love them so much that I want to slove their problems for them. And me knowing that i have to step aside and let them experience things themselves kills me. I hate that anyone get hurt for any reason, but it isn't fair or possible for me to wrap the whole world in bubble wrap as much fun as it seems.

So i leave you with that, the tip of the iceberg that is constantly in my mind constantly keeping me up at night, thinking, questioning, forever isolating me from the things I have come to realize i need almost desprately and yet at the same time terrifying me of the future and all it has to bring with it.

Right now however, I have procrastinated the day away and I have a physics midterm which I am totally unprepared for in 14 hours. I shall leave you with that and make a promise that I will attempt to update more often.

Love from the heart,
- Lish aka LP

Drum roll please!!!

I am back.. hahaha.. I mean I am back at loo... doing some post grad classes, retaking a few classes... stuff like that.

The bottom line is I get to spend some more time with the wonderful people that I love.

I shall update a little more substantially a bit later, for now I was thinking about heading to the gym.

toodles!
~Lish

First and foremost I must apologize to my critics as I have abandoned my audience over the last month and for that I am truely sorry.

Today I got off work.. yay! Truth be told I have the rest of the week off, but it isn't technically off because I have to write the MCAT on Saturday... So really studying is what I am doing...

So really, entirely studying, not off... *sigh*... and some of you boyz thought I wasn't doing school work this summer... haha...

Alright Let me finish Japan... Since it was over a month ago, I shall summarize it quickly.

We ended up going to Yokohama, which is the second largest city in Japan. There we were on a boat cruise and then stopped... you have all heard the pigeon story by now.. hahaha.. Anyway, after that we went to China town.. which ironically is the largest chinatown outside of china.. Lemme tell you china town is the cleanest place ever. I wouldn't go so far as to eat off the sidewalk, but i am sure you could and not catch anything. They were also handing out the freshest hot chestnuts... Yum!

Also ironic was that Japan had the best thai food I have ever had... it is soo hard to find good thai... mmmm... i could go for some of that even though we have massive amounts of leftovers from the party on the weekend.

Anyway, after Yokohama we went to Mt. Fuji. There isn't much to do there, so we took a bunch of pictures, took a boat cruise around the mountain and went up to the fifth station.. haha.. not too much food choices there, but when lunch came around, we finally went to this place...

hahah talk about sketchiness to the max... there were things on the menu like "Fish cooking", "The curry that never ends" and "bowless soup" hahaha... i think we took a picture of the menu... i'll have to find the pic and upload it on to here.. it is hillarious...

After that we just revisited a few places and bought some souveniers. We had an awsome time and didn';t suffer too much with the time difference... at least not right away.

On to the rest of the summer, we just had a watermelon party... in other words everything at the party is associated with watermelon in some way.. wish you boyz could have come... but it was a small affair this year with only 40 people total.. it was fun.. at the end of the party each guest gets a picture and a card thanking them.. At the beginning of the party we take a group pic and that is what goes onto the card.

This weekend I have the MCAT.. which pretty much screwes anything for happening this weekend for me anyway... Although it will be fun cause I get to go up to Waterloo to write... MC baby... one more time with enthusiasm!... not quite

Next weekend however, is my aunts formal engagement party.. for those of you who have never been to one of these... well it is kind of crazy with the planning, preparations and ceremonies etc... Anyway, Apparently I have to represent my family, and since we are pretty close to them, it will be kinda cool to see what they are gonna make me do.. not to mention all the extra time I get to spend with my babies... they are the cutest thing ever... I love them lots.. I'll try and sneak them out of there... but as much as their mom would appreciate the quiet time, she would miss them too much after an hour... when they are older for sure... hehe...

Anyway, I'll try and update after my exam on saturday and let you know how things go... but don't shoot me if i don't have time or forget.... miss you all lots!

~ Lish