Wow can you believe it??? there are only 7 days left of my undergrad career..

Wow 7 days.. seems unreal to me.. just yesturday i was unpacking my frosh kit with my mom and dad in # 70 in the Colombia Lake townhouses. In a blink of an eye, all those years, all that knowledge, everything.

we are all doing such wonderfully beautiful things.. we all have so much to offer, so much to explore, so much to live for. Our lives change constantly, except what most people don't seem to realize is that it changes in direct correlation to the things we do. Those things may be due to chance, but overall we are just hitting the first domino in a long string of dominos.

Last night was the End of Term dinner that i was mostly responsible for. It was a huge success and i can say with all honestly that it was one of the best i have ever been to, and it isn't just cause i organized it.. it truely was. I guess all that anxiousness paid off.. that and all the stress..

and the greatest part of the whole night was that i finnally was crowned.. hahaha and in my own mind i was queen.. hahaha.. for some it is inner strenght and passion, for me the tiara is a must.. the inner me was crowned.. i know have the iron will and get to sit and wave at people.. hehe.. slash soo not.. but whateves..

So last night was a total success.. while most of the exec didn't end up helping out, we all still had a good time, finished decorating and finished doing everything else that needed to be done before everyone started to come in. Thanks to all those who helped out.. i appreciate it thoroughly.. the funnies part of the whole night was that the actual in writting organizer asked me" what do you need me to do?" i successfully didn't laugh in her face.. which i think is a good thing.. :P... the other funny part was trying to teach mike bhanghra (sp?)... poor white kid.. not all that co-ordinated.. hehe.. t'is ok i love him anyways..

Once EOT ended it hit me.. a week left and no more classes.. i guess we just gotta savor what we ahve left, and try to spend as much time with those that mean a lot to us before we leave.. before I leave.. before life takes over and the winds of time take us in which ever direction it decides to blow in..

Lish

Soo much to do.. soo little time

So the next two weeks or so are going to be hell.. pure unadulturated hell..

Why? Oh dee gee where to even begin.

This week is the End of Term and while i love entertaining and planning events and executing them.. it had gotten to the point where i am dealing more with politics then anything else. Myself and another aliesha.. or as we affectionately call ourselves - A squared... have been planning and putting things together for a while now. We have meetings once a week to determine all we need to do, and although we have left a lot of things for the last minute, so this week is going to be exceptionally busy. Add to that work that has to be done and my brother is coming up.. i'll get to that again...

This week alone I have a test, 2 big assignments, lab book due, rough draft due, paper and a lab report. Gonna be fun.. i am thinking maybe no sleep??? dunno if i can do it.. currently running on no sleep.. was up all night.. ended up talking religion sortta until 7 this morning.. it was actually inspiring.. well eventually get to a post on religion... and then i had to go home pack, clean and run to the bus terminal... busy morning

Anyways, So i mentioned above my brother is coming.. OH MY GOD i am soo excited.. i dunno why.. he has only been here once before when he was a little high schooler.. but i haven't seen him in a month. I think we are the two closest ones int he fam.. we understand each other in some senses.. He tells me everythign and i in turn tell him everything. Helps me mroe i think cause otherwise i would worry too much about him constantly.. me the chronic worrier *sigh*... So ya i am soo excited.. he is such a cutie and i want him to meet everyone... I can't wait.

Also Mike is coming.. yay! i love mike.. he is the most awsome dude ever.. went to elementary school with him.. known him since we were 6.. oh the stories i could tell.. excpet i was sworn to secrecy.. just between us i give in to torture.. (ie ask me a million times and i will jsut tell ya... ) Anyways, our relationship is kinda weird.. we were never all that close.. then one of our friends got married and we started hanging out more.. he comes to visit me and i go to visit him.. we have a lot of fun together.. i love him dearly.. he tells me all the gossip from back home and i tell him what i know.. we keep each other informed. It is good... a few months back a tragedy of massive proportions occurred in our group of friends and he went through a bad time.. everyone did really.. but i think it was nice that we could talk about it to each other.. me a person not soo in touch with everyone and him fully involoved.. hmmm... remind me to tell you about that later..

Anways.. so ya hopefully i can survive this week.. i know i will.. we'll see how everthing copes with me..

Lish

What to do, with a life like this...

Wow.. so I have never been this stressed, nor had this much work to do in my life. I feel like I am constantly doing work, but that the work that I am doing isn't getting me anywhere. Like I keep picking something off the pile, but the pile is becoming a mountain, a mountain the size of Everest, climbable, but not with a lot of time. Just step by step, one phase at a time.

So, as you all know I am graduating at the end of this term. I have been applying to schools and jobs, but never expected anything. Just figured I would bum around this summer, take it easy and go teach in Korea in the fall. But have that last 4 months of fun and relaxation. At this point, I don't think I am mentally do another 1 or 2 or 4 years of school. I am burned out. Emotionally and mentally. I love Science and Microbio, but I am not finding the joy in it that I once did. It doesn't warm my soul and light my fire. It is something I do well, but something I have to, not because I love to. I don't really know if that makes any sense at all.. I am sort of struggling with the explanation to myself, never mind trying to verbalize it on paper.

Regardless, one of the jobs that I really wanted but never expected to ever get, got back to me a few weeks ago. The President of the company called me up and offered me another more wonderful opportunity in Santa Barbara, California. Wow, I thought to myself, California.. warm weather, cute guys in surf shorts, tans, and a wonderful opportunity to work with kids less fortunate both intellectually and monetarily. She asked if I would like to consider it and if I did, she would contact me about an interview if the foundation cleared my resume.

No sooner than a week went by when I received yet another call and an e-mail. Alishah, we would like you to come for an interview. Great I thought, this will be good experience. I have no experience for the job, so I probably won't get it. But, it would be nice... So as the week progresses I start to get nervous, like I kinda want it, but I don't expect it, but what if I did? The night before I was really nervous, went to bed kinda late, woke up really early and embarked on a journey that could possibly change my life forever.

So I arrive in Toronto and find the Hotel and I was early. At this point I was really not at all nervous cause I was soo tired and I pretty much figured I wouldn't get the job cause I had no experience, no qualifications. They just saw my resume and like something in it and that is why I was there. I decided that I would just be me, if you don't like that, meh, there you go. So myself and this other woman were interviewed together. We both started at quarter to 11:00am. First we filled out the application, then we had to wait for the others to finish up upstairs, then we had to go upstairs and talk to cosmo (this man, who seriously looks and acts like a woman.. soo California)... We talked to him and he asked us a whole bunch of questions, ethical ones, situational, critical thinking ones, experience, what we want to get out of a job such as this, etc.. the typical interview type questions. So while we were in the room with Cosom, this other fellow comes in and is like are they done phase 1 yet? and the two of us are like WTF? phase1? aren;t we on like phase 3? it is 1:00 and we have only gotten to phase 1? Oh dee gee.

So we finish up and go to yet another room where the human resources guy is and the head of the finance department. So they talk to us a little about what is going on, listen to our answers, let cosmo tell them how we were in the other part and then hand the other girl an offer. They give her the whole talk about this that and the other and I am sitting there thinking see I knew I wouldn't get it, but this was fun.. meh I wonder if I can still catch the 2 o'clock bus.. Anyways, so she finally finishes with her questions and then they are like ok how about you go downstairs and talk to the CEO. So we are both like ya ok.. so we get up to leave and they are like oh wait hold on a sec.. we want to talk to you alone. So I say ok sit down and wait for the girl to leave. Once she leaves they hand me my job offer...

I was soo shocked I was like huh.. did you make a mistake or something? you want me? an individual with no experience to come to Santa Barbara and work for you? are you kidding? why me? and why did I get offered the same amount as the girl with 4 years experience and credentials that certify her to do that type of work? So I sat there, with my heart starting to beat a little faster and they ask me... so you can start when? May 1st? and I am like if all goes well ya, but I need to talk to my parents first. How can I possibly make a decision to move all the way across the country 10 days after my last exam for at least 18 months? HOLY CRAPSHOOT! I have all these questions racing through my head, but it didn't really sink in, you know, I was aware, but not really. So they send me downstairs, give me a visa package to fill out when I let them know (in two weeks to a month) if I want the job, and I am done.

2:30 and I am finished the interview that may possibly change my life forever. I think I kinda exisited for a bit called my mom told her I got it.. but never really hit. Then last night it hit me. I came home from a really long day at school, I had all this work to complete for today and I sat in front of my computer and my mind started racing and thinking and going over board with all that this job offer ment to me and how much it would change things.

I literally started to cry. I was talking to zaf on msn and my heart was pouring out. What the fuck do I do now? what do I want to do? Is this really what I should do? What if I can't? what if I am no good? what if they don't like me? what if this what if that.. over and over... the tears started pouring down my face... I don't wanna leave my friends, I don't wanna leave my family... I don't want to leave soo soon. What if I am not ready? emotionally and mentally and physically?WHAT THE HELL DO I DO? my only answer was that I don't know..

All these questions, doubts, feelings, everything.. just had to come out.. I was swimming in tears.. I never cry... NEVER.. and here I am sitting in my room pouring my eyes out to zaf over msn.. talk about female hormones eh? and everything he told me just made me cry harder..

I litterally had a meltdown.. I couldn't handle it anymore.. I didn't know what to do.. I still don't know what to do.. I do know that my parents are fully ok with it though... they are willing to let thier oldest child move thousands of miles away for a job that could potentially change her for the rest of her life.. could give me the experince that I would never be able to get elsewhere. This coming from a family who moved all the way to toronto just so that I could go to high school there.. Holy Crap.. I might actually do this..

I am soo scared, and so nervous and worried and sad and glad and mad and everything. I am not used to feeling so off balance emotionally.. I don't know where to start, what to do nothing. I do know that I am probably going to break out in tears every now and again and I am going to have to make a decision. One of the hardest of my life and I know I can do it, it just may take me some time to figure it all out and say good bye. Cause either way.. I have a month left.. and I miss you all soo much already..

Fuck I am crying again.. damn emotional female hormones..

Lish

roommate? or bitch?

Room mates, sometimes you get lucky but sometimes you don't.

I thought i got lucky.. but now i am definatly positive that i am not. Let me start at the beginning.

Last year I had my first experience with room mates and me being a landlord. I thought it was awsome. We all got a long, did stuff together, went out for dinner all the time, did stuff as a house. We were friends and the landlord, tennant barrier was broken down. It was awsome... or so i thought.

So i get a call over the summer. Alishah, we have ants in the house... and i am thinking shit how the hell is that possible.. i left a month ago and there was nothing, i cleaned the house and wipped down the cuppboards and shit. Then i start to think shit how the hell am i supposed to do anything about it cause i am in vancouver, it isn't like i can drive down and fix anything.. so I send them money and they buy a bunch of stuff and the problem is solved.. at least for the moment.

One week later, i get another phone call.. alishah, the washing machine is broken and is stretching the clothes. Ok, now this i need help with. I call my dad and he is like i will go replace it but i can't go up there for a few weeks. I say fine, whenever you get a chance. So i tell them, to wait a few weeks and if they need to do laundry to get it done somewhere in the mean time. I then get another call.. Alishah, I cna't afford to do that. Fine i say, and i send them money to get their clothes washed..

I finally finish work in Vancouver and come back and take a trip up to waterloo only to find out that, pam, has taken over the second bedroom on the upstairs floor and made it her garbage room thowing shit in there when ever she wants. The house is a pigsty and I tell them to clean the house. I can't even show the house because she has taken over the whole bloody damn place. Ok fine, I am not here and no one else is either, but still...

Fast Forward to this week. Pam comes into my room on tuesday night and throws a garbage can at my head. This being 20 seconds before the boyz, who had come to explicitly play guitar and perform for us ring the doorbell.. Like double you tee times eff.. I was soo not impressed. Also we have visitors in the kitchen in the form of ants. So the boyz come and stay for a little while, but then i go downstairs to talk to my mom and she is sitting in the kitchen cleaning out everything and giving me cut eye the entire time. And just before she comes upstairs she tells her bf that I don't care about the house because I only care about my friends coming over. Like what the fuck???? What did I do to her? Last time i checked, i still haven't cashed her last 2 cheques because she asked me to put a hold on it.. shit those cheques are being cashed asap.. oh hell no.. you do not treat me that way. She also starts yelling at them when they walk into the house.. Ok hullo, they came to see you too.. she has no right dragging other people into an argument we are having.. although the last time i checked an argument didn't include throwing a fucking garbage can at my head, which she fucking sent to burlington.. So we now don't have a garbage can...

So then i tell the boyz, do you mind if I cancel on you? cause I gotta deal with a room mate situation. So almost everyone goes and I go downstairs and help her clean. What else was I supposed to do? So then i come upstairs and one of my friends had stayed to talk.. but i wasn't in the mood.. you know? so we are there in my room chilling and pam calls some one on the phone and is fucking telling them she lives in a pigsty.. ok hell no she doesn't.

Anyways, fast forward to yesturday night. I arrange for a house meeting cause the kitchen does need to be cleaned and we had some other issues to disscuss. So we all sit in the living room and she goes well we are going to have our meeting but i am going to tell you that i am going to be distracted because i am leaving the tv on. and i am like excuse me? I was kinda hoping that you would turn it off so that we could discuss this in as short a time as necessary and so that everyone can pay attention. And she goes to me... but it is america's next top model, it is my show.. and i am sitting there thinking fuck i don't care what it is turn the fucking tv off so that we can discuss these things.. so i tell her.. whatever then.. and Aidan says i don't have time to come back in an hour so lets just do this and turn the tv off...

So the tv goes off and i start by telling them some issues i have, and Pam goes to me "One thing, if you are going to talk, you may want to quit having that confrontational tone cause you aren't going to get anywhere with that." And I am sitting there and i was like what the fuck so i say "I am sorry i didn't mean for it to come out that way, i had a horrible day and whatever i say i don't mean the tone, just the message, so I appoligize before hand" and in response she goes "well than maybe we should have this another day cause i don't want to listen to that shit".

Ok like what the fuck? Then in the meeting she says that I have to take responsibility for things because it is all my fault and when she first moved in in the summer she moved into a fucking pigsty..

Like what the fuck? I am sorry, but the hosue itsn't a pigsty, I left it super clean before i moved out in the summer. It isn't my fault that there are ants... I am hardly even here. I am here for 8 hours in the night, if at all, and I am gone for the rest of the day.. Like shit, how the fuck is it my fault?

So today, her msn name is I am not allowed to have a cat, but ants apparenlty are ok.

Ok, Bitch you asked for it, This calls for war.

Lish

that would be mother to you...

So as many of you know, I am a youngin... like much younger than most of my friends, but i have this odd habit of taking over and becoming everyones mother... ya like i said weird...

It has come to the point where people think i am my siblings mother, and my friends call me mommy SLASH sexy mamma aka momma...

It all started 5 years ago.. I was in King of Persia with my mom and my 2 siblings and we were stuck in the hotel with this humongous shopping center (which is how the hamlet got its name.. i kid you not)... and instead of shopping my brother, sister and I decided to go to the gym next door (ya why we chose that over the mall.. i will never understand)... Anyways, so we get there and instead of swim, I decide to pull up a chair and read a trashy romance...

Since i am fully entranced in the world of Annie and Forcade (characters from the book)... My brother and sister, who at the time were 15 and 16 with me having just turned 18... decided to go into the Hot tube.. well for those of you who don't know, in most gyms you have to be over 18 in order to be in the hot tube or accompanied by an adult.. So the life guard pulls them out of the tube and brings them over to be. The next thing i know, the life guard is telling me "Ma'am, your children are not allowed in the hot tube unless you would like to get in with them because they aren't of age yet. Please tell your children that they cannot swim in the hot tube without parental accompaniement." And he turns and walks away...

I was just sitting their mouth agape.. thinking double-you tee times eff.. did he just call me they're mother??? hullo, i would have had to be 16 moths at the time of my sisters birth.. I DO NOT think soo.... ewww conception at 5 months.. oh dee gee times a million...

I quickly threw the memory out of my mind when not two months later, my sisters friend who has met my mother on numerous occasions, asked my sister why her mother didn't come with her to the door to drop her off.... and my sister was like my mom isn't even here... that was my sister...

Needless to say, it has happened quite a few times, with the most recent asking me if i was my mothers older sister.. I hope like hell i have my mothers genes in the future cause damn.. if i look that old now.. can you imagine 20 years from now.. ewwwww.. scrambled eggs.....

So it doesn;t bother me anymore for people to ask.. i have a score board going at home with my siblings to see how many times people mistake me for being much older than i am.. I guess it is just cause i am the oldest and i feel personally responsible for everyone and everything...

Next thing you know i am baking cupcakes for the boyz (who ironically are much older than me by a few years) on thier b-days to take to class for their friends.. and am waiting at home for their father with dinner.. hahaha ya like that would ever happen... hahaha.. the dinner part.. not the cupcakes.. (sorry CK... for some reason i can actually see myself doing that (and ps I have.. )

Lish

bandaids always made things feel better, why don't they anymore?

So why is it that people find the need to drink their problems slash feelings away? I don't get it.. and as much as i sound like a hypocrite for telling people not to, I don't drink because i want to avoid things and i never drink in excess... I guess i jsut do it cause i like it.. weird eh?

So lemme tell you about this friend that i have... He is the most awsome, wonderful, thoughtful person ever.. and when i first met him i thought he was the most genuine person i had ever met... so my friend lately, has taken to drinking.

This coming from a guy who actually lectured me for an hour the first time we ever spent time together a lone... a person who stopped drinking, who is very strict and tells everyone else not to... HE has started to drink...

Now a drink or two i can understand.. but more than that... umm hell no.. and from him.. anything really is just a huge dissappointment cause really if he can;t stick to his beliefs, the stuff that makes him him, then how is anyone else supposed to either?

It worries me to the point where i get physically sick to think that he has to look to alchol to help him.. for what ever reasons... It makes me want to cry.. like sit in my room and ball my eyes out because i feel his pain.. there is something dark and evil eating at his soul, and for once i would just like it if he could tell me.. or tell someone so that it doens't become this evil think that is threatening to consume him whole...

i just wanna crawl into a ball and cry my heart out.. my heart is soo heavy with guilt, with worry, with stress.. I wanna take a break from it all.. just leave.. like physically sever all ties.. but where will that leave me? pretty much no where...

I realize yesturday i was in a shitty mood and i took it out on some people.. but i honestly didn't mean too.. and i know that everyone has thier off day.. fuck i am having an off weekend.. and everyone is noticing it.. like people i don't even talk to have told me.. but i dunno..

I just wish that i could push a magic button and the whole world would right itself... right now i feel off kilter and not in synch.. i hate it with a fucking passion and wish with all my heart it wouldn't be so.. but alas we are all grown ups, the hurts of the world cannot be patched up with a bandaid.. everynow and again we need to treat the hurts with antiseptic and that is when things start to hurt like hell, but only for a few seconds, or minutes.. and then it is all over..

Hopefully things will get better.. cause i can't deal with it much longer at the rate things are going..

Lish

baad day

So i dunno what was wrong.. i think a combination of just not enough sleep and stress building up until it was overflowing.. which is weird cause everything is done for the week. I dunno... this week has been crazy.. like midterms, assignments, projects, meetings, tests and the list goes on add all that to the fact that i have been home collectively over 4 days for about 6 hours... I am hungry, tired and bitchy...

I feel really bad though cause my bad mood has interferred with other people, they noticed it and i can;t say i blame them for wanting to know why, but i don't even know myself... I dunno if that makes any sense at all.. and just the fact the people keep asking annoyed/annoys me even more. I just wasnt/am not in the mood... It wasn't a good day to get up, and if i didn't have to, i prolly would be still sleeping, catching up on all the sleep lost.

I guess i was just frusterated, sleepy and tired, i have no patience at all.. i just needed to fucking take a break from the normal person i am... is that so hard to understand? like just take a break from being a nice person all the time, a cheerful person all the time, peoples cheerleaders, the person that everyone can come to with their problems.. for one day can everyone just keep it to themselves.. I am calling in sick today and tomorrow, I need sometime for me, for my mental health as well.. I can't do it 24 hours a day 365 days a year.. every now and again I need a day for myself to act the way i fucking want.. is that so difficult to understand????

I also have a headache the size of the eastern sea board, a headache that even three advils wouldn't help and that i know will be soo much worse tomorrow.. i can feel it at the back and the sides of my head, threatening to consume it, to eat up the last semblance of the small bits of niceness i have remaining.. god forbids anyone who even remotely pisses me off slash annoys me tomorrow... For that I fully appologize for that today.... I know it doesn't mean much.. But sorry nonetheless.

Today I just have to be a fake person and a bitch.. I hope my friends can understand.. but if not.. Monday is the beginning of a whole new week... I should be back to normal then.

Lish