What is a friend? Lately i have been thinking about this and exploring the relationships i have with many people.. what I have found is somewhat interesting..
I had/have this friend and the had/have status of our relationship annoys the hell out of me. We weren;t friends when we both came to university, didn't even know the other person exisited.. I always thought she was this crazy superficial girl.. and it took me a really long time to realize that she was actually a nice intelligent person. One day, after a class that my friend and her room mate and myself were in, we sat down and she turned to me and was like Oh my god my room mate annoys the hell out of me.. and i was like Oh my god can i tell you i feel the same??? We bonded over bitching her psycho room mate and my "best" friend. I will get back to the "best" friend later... Anyways, so we became really good friends.. I mean she became my confident.. the person i could tell anything too. Then, on day a few months ago, i found out that she has been telling other people about what i have been telling her in confidence.. and this time the person whom the comment was about found out... It wasn't malicious, it wasn't ment to be mean, i responded to a question that was asked of me and I though that she was smart enough not to tell another person about it. My trust was betrayed.. How could i ever tell her anything that ment anything remotely important to me? I can never trust that she would keep it to herself.. ever again.. therein lies the had/have. Now in the mean time i became friends with another individual and that friendship i will forever be grateful for (again a story to get back to). He had mentioned to me before that he didn't trust her.. now how could this person whom i now trusted and was friends with not trust a person I had known for a few years and whom i trusted explicity? I would always defend her.. but not anymore.. It makes me sad and frusterated beyond belief. I find that the time i now spend with her I am always annoyed and i feel like she is taking advantage of me. I don't like being in her presence, I don't like talking to her, i don't like stuyding with her or helping her.. It is emotionally draining to be in her orbit, but at the same time there is something pulling me in.. stopping me from severing all contact.. Is it guilt? is it the fact that underneath it all i still want to keep this friendship? Is it that i miss my friend? or is it just to keep control of information shared?
So the room mate that i used to be friends with? ya that ended horribly.. like to the point where we no longer talk anymore.. we were really good friends, she knew everything about me, and me her... Then she started to annoy me.. little things really.. but she started to act like a bitch and pull away.. like she didn't want to spend time with me, with her room mate.. it was a little frusterating.. here we were putting in all this effort and she wasn't putting in anything in return.. how was the friendship supposed to sustain itself? friendship is a two way street.. you have to be totally honest with each other in order to maintain that friendship.. I guess that is why good friends are soo hard to find.. So anyways, I confronted her one day we sat, we cried, we worked things out.. or so i thought.. we parted that day and we were good. The next day was a total 180 however, she went to her room mate and was like alishah always says i am her friend, but i have never been her friend and i never wanted to be, i have never considered her to be my friend, but i haven't told her cause she needs friends and if i wasn't pretending to be her friend she would probably commit suicide. Ok hullo.. i don't think so.. I think i can survive without other people, i am not dependent or needy.. I mean common.. did she think that miracluously she was the only one putting in effort?? I was the one who did her assignments, took notes in class for her, made things right with her other friends, cook her dinner, buy her food.. I think I was the only one who even cared.. cause i thought that she would do to me what I would do for her.. Boy was I ever wrong.. Needless to say I stopped talking to her after I found that out, she thinks I need her, I DID NOT EVER need her.
On to friend number 3.. this person is the most wonderful person.. he has such a kind, generous heart. He listens and doesn't speak.. it is rare to find that and he offers awsome advice. While he makes me mad as hell, i know that as long as we talk about it and say sorry things will work out. I find myselfafraid of the future and what it will bring, in the sense that I have never really had any good luck with friendship, and i am afraid that this friend will loose touch, and we will never talk or see each other again. I am moving to California in a few months.. California.. can our friendship sustain the distance? I hope so cause it means a lot to me.. And i am gonna miss not being here and talking to him or getting a hung when i am down... I am gonna miss him and all the wonderful people who i have been introduced to and whom have become my friends as well.. I am gonna miss you all soo much and I hope you all come visit me... Some tears will definatly be shed when i go.
It is funny the people that come into your life at different times. I think that i have learned that once that person comes into your life, just grab, him or her and hold on for the ride. Put in effort on both your parts, you can't have it all.. everyone has the same basic needs, everyone needs to be loved, everyone needs a friend. I guess friendship to me means that you listen, care, offer advice, share and most of all trust. I don't think i can express to you all how much your friendship has ment and means to me or how much i am truely going to miss you. Remember the day when i thought my computer died? haha I think my reaction will be a million times worse.. But I know we will all keep in touch.. and i won't be gone forever..
I do tend to be a bit of a drama queen though.. the title is fitting now that i have a crown to go with the personality.. haha..
Lish
